INDEX  TO  HOUSES 

Mentioned  in.  the  Memoirs 


A.     ice 
B 

C  Comk/fiiters  He.adq'rs. 

D  /Iu1mffT!actcf  Treasure 

E  Mr'McMs rn 

F 

G 

H  ftcntc 

ust  fi.fi '.Statwn. 
J 

K  Gerruh'sSar&trStop. 
L  'fie.fiden.ce  </'£urglars]/yf. 
M  J7/V 


MILLAMOURS 


VIVETTE 


E  T  T  E 


OR 


The  Memoirs  of  the  Romance 
Association 


Setting  forth  the  diverting  Adventures  of  one 
RICHARD  REDFORTH  in  the  very  pleasant 
City  ofMiLLAMOURs:  how  he  took  Service  in 
the  Association  :  how  he  met  and  wooed  the  gay 
VIVETTE  :  how  they  sped  their  Honeymoon  and 
played  the  Town  :  how  they  spread  a  mad  Banquet, 
of  them  that  came  thereto  and  the  Tales  they  told  : 
of  the  Exploits  of  the  principal  Char  after sy  and 
especially  of  the  Disappearance  of  VIVETTE 


By 

GELETT  BURGESS 


BOSTON 
COPELAND  AND  DAY 


M  DCCC  XCVII 


First  edition  [1500  copies],  November,  1897 
Second  edition  [1000  copies],  July,  1898 


COPYRIGHT    BY    COPELAND    AND    DAY 
M  DCCC  XCVII 


To  THE  TAMAITAI 
High- Chief  Lady  of  the  Five  Waters 

AOLELE 
Flying  Cloud  of  Samoa  : 

FAFINE 

Witch  Woman  of  the   Mountain  : 
FROM  THE  LUPE 


ivilSOOll 


F.  V.  de  G.  S. 

[Madam: 

Between  the  ocean  of  Impossibility 
and  the  shifting  sands  of  the  Improbable,, 
lying  naked  to  the  wind  and  warm  in  the 
sun,  is  a  Romantic  shore.  'There  are  a 
few  left,  thank  God,  that  dare  be  children 
still,  and  love  to  explore,  gleefully,  the  lim 
its  of  this  narrow  strand,  venturing  down 
the  furthest  reaches  of  the  ebb  to  hazard  the 
recession  of  the  undertow,  or  briskly  dodg 
ing  the  wash  of  the  surges  at  the  upper 
margent  of  the  flood.  Here,  forgetting 
for  a  while  the  sober  country  beyond  the 
dunes,  have  I  played  my  morning  out  upon 
the  lonely  shingle,  and  a  mad  breeze  has 
blown  its  laughter  into  my  wits.  So,  while 
the  waves  sang  for  me,  and  tossed  their 
lacy  white  caps  from  the  deep,  I  have  built 
a  little  city  among  the  sands,  whose  outer 
moat  is  fed  by  the  waters  of  the  wonderful 
sea.  I  diligently  laid  it  out  with  fantastic 


streets,  I  tricked  it  up  with  cockles  and 
samphire,  I  paved  it  with  a  rainbow  of 
pebbles,  till,  alone  with  my  fancy,  and 
lulled  by  the  tune  of  the  rising  tide,  I  fell 
asleep  in  this  toy  city  of  a  thousand  loves. 

A  little  LARK,  singing  overseas,  has  told 
you  some  of  my  dreams  ere  this,  but  other 
things  have  befallen  since,  so  now,  be 
fore  the  breakers  besiege  and  storm  the 
town,  I  would  lead  you  to  this  place,  that 
your  high-chief  protection  may  rest  for  a 
proud  while  upon  its  walls. 

Madam,  I  would  I  'might  do  aught  to 
honour  the  jubilee  of  your  long-regnant  youth, 
the  empire  of  your  undying  beauty,  and 
the  glorious  wealth  of  your  royal  love ! 
But  alas,  I  wield  how  weakly  a  mighty 
weapon  that  has  been  swung  right  valour- 
ously  in  your  sight,  and  with  most  wor 
ship  that  ever  in  the  whole  world  was  ! 
Yet,  since  I  have  seen  you  smile  graciously 
on  page  as  well  as  knight,  —  Madam,  on 
my  knee  I  dare  tender  you,  loyally,  this  poor 

fief  of  MlLLAMOURS. 

G.  B. 

Boston,  October  1st,  1897. 


CONTENTS 

BOOK  I     THE  ROMANCE  ASSOCIA 
TION 

Chapter      I  The  Anonymous  Correspondent  I 

Chapter    II  Enter  Vivette  6 

Chapter  III  The  Amateur  Detective  1 1 

Chapter  IV  The  Buried  Treasure  16 

Chapter    V  The  Top  Gallant  25 


BOOK  II 


Chapter 

Chapter  II 

Chapter  III 

Chapter  IV 

Chapter  V 

Chapter  VI 

Chapter  VII 

Chapter  VIII 


A  TELEPHONE  COURT 
SHIP 

Scheherezade's  Method  35 

Mami's  Trick  39 

The  Losing  of  Mami  42 

Three  Goblins  and  a  Mystery  45 

The  Ambitious  Shepherd  47 

The  Princess  Pittipums  53 

The  Masque  of  Cupid  56 

Vivette  &  Company  59 


CONTENTS 


Chapter  I 
Chapter  II 
Chapter  III 
Chapter  IV 
Chapter  V 


BOOK  III     LES  JEUNES 
Rachet  and  Featherbone 


Successors  to  Bellbird 
Phyllida,  or  the  Milkmaid 
"La  Revue  Jeune  " 
Vivette's  D£but 


65 

73 
79 
85 
91 


BOOK  IV     THE  BANQUET 
Chapter     I     The  Ten  Pins 


Chapter  II 
Chapter  III 
Chapter  IV 
Chapter  V 
Chapter  VI 


The  Gold  Razor 

The  Yellster 

The  Elevator 

The  Uniped  Husbands 

The  Burglar's  Wife 


99 
105 
108 
1 1 1 

H5 
119 


BOOK  V     AT  THE  OLD  STAND 


Chapter  I 
Chapter  II 
Chapter  III 


The  Charity  Patient 
The  Elopement 
Exit  Vivette 


138 
148 


BOOK    I 
THE  ROMANCE  ASSOCIATION 


THE  ROMANCE  ASSOCIATION 

Alone  in  the  City  of  a  Thousand  Loves  ! 


N 


O     23    Forest    street   was 

a  large,  two-story  house  that  y    TRF 

had  once  been  in  the  very  thick  |  ^NONY-  *' 

of  the  fashionable  quarter  of  Mil-  A/I/^TTO" 

T  i       ,                •        r         L  MOUS        1 

lamours.       I  had  seen  it  often  be-  • 


^^.^n^ 

r          •  i  i  i        f    v^vJKKH,—    T 

fore  in  my  wanderings  through  '  SPOND- 
the  town,  but  now  I  looked  at  it  T  P-TSIT  i 
with  a  new  interest,  for  "  one  J  __  hH  __  [_H  __  | 
who  combined  in  his  person  the  qualities  of  tact, 
spirit,  originality,  and  polite  address,"  said  the  ad 
vertisement,  "  might  find  there  regular  and  remu 
nerative  employment.  '  ' 

Its  adjacent  grounds  had  been  so  filched  by  the 
city's  growth,  that  there  now  remained  free  only 
the  yard  that  kept  the  street  off  directly  in  front  of 
the  house,  and  whose  ancient  funereal  cypresses 
shaded  the  windows  of  the  mansion.  The  gravel 
walk  that  led  up  to  the  old-fashioned  doorway  was 
hedged  in,  and  trimmed  in  a  way  to  prepare  one 
for  anachronisms  ;  the  brass  knocker  assisted  the 
hint;  and  the  aspect  of  the  interior  —  for  the  door 
stood  open  —  told  me  that  here  mysteries  and 
nocturnal  secrets  might  well  feel  at  home.  I 
entered  the  hall,  however,  without  hesitation,  and 
rapped  at  the  first  door  on  the  right. 

"  Come  in  !  "  cried  a  thick  voice,  and  I  turned 
the  handle,    to   find   myself  in    the   presence  of  a 
i 


THE    ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

~i.    '  Author  of  "  Saturday's  Child." 


bald-headed  and  exceedingly  red-faced  man  of  prob 
ably  sixty  years  of  age,  who  was  sitting  in  his 
shirt-sleeves,  eating  brown  troches  out  of  a  red 
box.  He  looked  up  at  me  over  his  shoulder. 

"  I  have  called,"  said  I,  "to  find  regular  and 
remunerative  employment.  '  ' 

"Ah-ha,"  said  the  old  man  reflectively,  with  a 
rising  inflection,  "  and  upon  what  do  you  found 
your  expectation  of  success?" 

"In  my  time  I  have  been  both  actor  and 
author,"  said  I,  "and  I  conceive  that  what  the 
one  experience  has  failed  in  supplying  me  the 
other  may  complement,  to  make  me  the  man  of 
parts,  withal,  whom  your  advertisement  proclaims 
you  need." 

"Very  prettily  spoken,  sir,"  the  old  man 
replied,  swinging  around  in  his  chair  to  scrutinize 
me  at  right  angles.  "I  suppose  you  can  show 
documentary  evidence  of  all  this  ?  We  sometimes 
go  slow  in  this  office." 

I  took  out  a  few  programmes  and  newspaper 
puffs  and  handed  them  to  him,  wondering  if  he 
would  be  childish  enough  to  take  them  seriously. 
With  them,  I  passed  over  a  copy  of  "Saturday's 
Child,"  by  Richard  Redforth.  All  these  he 
rather  too  carefully  examined. 

"So  far,  so  good,"  he  said,  returning  my  ref 
erences.  "  I  have  hopes  you  are  the  man  I 
am  looking  for.  Both  novelist  and  player  have 
limitations  hampering  their  usefulness,  but  I  am 


THE    ROMANCE    ASSOCIATION 

Weighed  and  Found  Vaunting.  A  Sinecure? 

gratified  to  become  acquainted  with  one  who  com 
bines  the  faculties,  as  it  were  of  artist  and  artisan. 
And  another  question :  who  are  your  favorite 
writers  ? ' ' 

"I  am  devoted  to  the  immortal  Tusitala,"  I 
said  ;  "not  that  I  consider  myself  an  analyst  of  his 
technique,  so  much  as  a  medium  through  which 
his  sentences  vibrate  with  an  extraordinary  sym 
pathy.  His  stories  so  inflame  my  interest  that  I 
push  the  hero  aside  and  plunge  into  the  tale  in  my 
own  person.  Poe's  works,  also,  have  a  dominant 
fascination  for  me,  and  by  these  two  I  regulate  my 
fancies  and  gauge  my  emotions." 

"  You  are  a  strange  young  man,  and  singularly 
fitted  to  my  service,"  said  the  old  man,  waddling 
up  and  down  the  room  as  he  talked,  and  peering 
at  me  over  his  spectacles.  "I  must  certainly  give 
you  a  trial  —  so  let  us  proceed  to  business.  Here 
is  the  address  of  a  young  woman  whom  it  will  be 
your  duty  —  and  I  may  say  pleasure  —  to  engage 
in  an  anonymous  correspondence ;  to  this  task  I 
commend  whatever  originality  and  finesse  you 
may  possess.  You  are  to  make  life  interesting  to 
that  young  woman,  by  any  romantic,  mysterious, 
or  whimsical  manner  your  wit  may  suggest,  and 
you  will  be  very  well  paid,  I  assure  you,  if  you 
succeed.  You  shall  use  sentiment,  however,  with 
out  sentimentality,  and  personalities  without  famil 
iarity,  taking  your  cue  from  your  replies.  For  the 
rest,  I  trust  to  your  tact  and  facility." 
3 


THE   ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

War  Declared.  The  Battles  of  Butterflies. 

He  turned  back  to  his  box  of  troches,  and  as 
it  seemed  that  the  interview  was  over,  I  left  the 
house  with  no  small  wonder  as  to  the  fortune  that 
had  met  me.  The  prospect  was  certainly  alluring, 
and  the  task,  I  thought  with  a  good  deal  of  confi 
dence,  easy.  I  commenced  the  correspondence 
the  next  morning,  mailing  my  letters  to  a  distant 
town,  and  receiving  my  first  answers  in  a  numbered 
box  at  the  Forest  street  headquarters,  being,  as 
yet,  entirely  ignorant  of  the  character  of  the  enter 
prises  there  conducted. 

I  threw  myself  into  the  new  occupation  with  an 
abandon  that  I  felt  sure  could  not  help  inspiring 
responses  baited  to  keep  alive  my  enthusiasm. 
Nor  was  I  disappointed  ;  the  girl  was  absolutely 
unclassified  amongst  her  sex  ;  she  herself  said  that 
after  she  was  printed  the  type  had  been  distributed. 
The  interchange  of  missives  waxed  and  waned  in 
frequency,  harmoniously  with  our  moods ;  now  a 
perfect  hailstorm  of  letters,  twice  a  day,  three  at  a 
time,  or  by  fours  and  sixes,  —  and  then  ceasing 
for  days,  to  be  renewed  at  unexpected  intervals. 
Keyed  in  every  pitch  of  the  diapason,  —  wise, 
witty,  grave,  impertinent,  and  proud,  —  my  aston 
ishing  correspondent  ranged  earth  and  air  and 
outer  space  with  her  entrancing  commentaries, 
and  we  collaborated  the  libretto  of  the  most  advent 
urous  flirtation  unpublished.  She  was  so  mar 
vellously  quick  at  feint  and  lunge,  so  inconsequent 
and  artistic,  that  the  agility  of  my  defence  —  for  I 
4 


THE    ROMANCE    ASSOCIATION 

A  Student  of  Belles-Lettres.  Versinage. 

was  soon  reduced  to  that  posture  —  was  maintained 
but  at  the  cost  of  the  most  exhausting  lucubrations. 

She  was  extraordinarily  versatile  and  masqueraded 
in  a  thousand  sailing  fancies,  uncaging  a  new  and 
swift  sensation  by  every  mail.  It  was  only  by  an 
almost  infinite  extension  of  my  own  conceit  that  I 
could  keep  up  the  game,  and  to  her  every  essay  in 
frolic,  I  answered  in  audacity  and  impudence,  sail 
ing  very  close  to  the  wind,  however,  and  nicely 
gauging  her  complaisance.  I  rushed  on,  madcap 
chasing  with  dizzy  wit,  flying  over  the  thin  ice  and 
forbidden  ground,  but  she  was  ever  a  half-length 
ahead.  She  had  a  very  clever  Muse,  and  she  put 
me  through  my  French  forms  till  my  Pegasus  had 
shown  all  his  prettiest  paces. 

I  was,  as  my  patron  had  promised,  well  paid  for 
my  services,  though  he  gave  me  little  encourage 
ment  in  my  work,  seeming  to  have  forgotten,  in 
fact,  all  about  my  affair.  My  correspondence  was, 
however,  like  virtue,  its  own  chief  reward,  and  it 
was  not  long  before  I  was  on  fire  with  the  excite 
ment.  Yet  at  last  her  breakneck  pace  began  to 
tell  on  me,  and  I  began  to  go  off  a  little.  And 
then  she  redoubled  the  fury  of  the  epistolary  duel, 
and  brought  up  reinforcements  of  still  sprightlier 
sallies,  fantastic  humours,  and  adroit  wiles  of  her 
magic  imagination.  I  was  speedily  going  to  wreck, 
but  I  held  on,  for  I  did  not  then  know  my  antag 
onist  —  that  I  was  matching  my  talents  against 
the  very  Goddess  of  Versatility.  Every  hundred 
5 


THE    ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

Out  of  the  Frying-pan.  Buttered  by  the  Director. 

letters  I  had  bound  into  book-form,  and  I  gained 
no  little  inspiration  from  the  perusal  of  the  crowded 
shelves  full  of  the  little  volumes  of  my  fair  Anon- 
yma. 

But  at  last  the  attack  became  still  sharper;  she 
had  evidently  determined  to  finish  me.  She  way 
laid  me  on  the  street  with  her  messengers,  insist 
ing  upon  an  immediate  reply  ;  I  was  rung  up  at  all 
hours  of  the  night  to  answer  some  telegraphic  con 
ceit  ;  my  meals  were  disturbed  and  my  rest  in 
vaded.  Human  endurance  could  not  stand  such  a 
mental  strain  as  this,  for,  the  first  time  I  failed  to 
answer  her  mockery,  the  mortification  of  not  being 
able  to  hold  my  own  overcame  me,  and  I  collapsed 
like  a  wet  paper  bag. 

tCHtpTERt  \\7HEN  *was  «We  tositup 
ill   ENTERl     *  *    agam>        r  several  weeks 
tviVETTE        ilmess,  I  was  visited  by  no  less  a 

J M M J  person  than  my  important  employer 

himself,  in  a  soiled  piqu£  waistcoat  that  held  my 
eyes  like  a  loadstone,  I  being  still  weak  and  childishly 
amused  at  trifles. 

"My  dear  boy,"  began  this  puffy  personage, 
"allow  me  to  congratulate  you  on  the  marvels  you 
have  accomplished.  If  you  will  sign  a  contract  to 
stay  with  us  for  five  years,  I  will  confess  that  I  my 
self,  to  test  your  powers,  answered  your  first  let 
ters,  but  your  overwhelming  versatility  so  baffled 
me,  that  I  was  soon  forced  to  call  one  after  another 
of  my  most  experienced  assistants  to  aid  me,  and 
6 


THE    ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

Seduction.  Abduction.  Production. 

I  ended  by  enlisting  the  entire  force  to  cope  with 
your  prodigious  genius  !  We  had  no  idea  that  you 
would  be  able  to  defend  yourself  for  more  than  a 
week.  Believe  me,  sir,"  he  continued  in  a  whis 
per,  "you  were  vanquished  only  by  Vivette  her 
self!  Such  a  feat  has  never  been  recorded  in  the 
annals  of  the  Association.  You  are  a  Luminary, 
sir,  a  Luminary;  and  I  congratulate  myself  upon 
the  alliance  !  " 

"  Now  then,"  he  continued,  "you  must  recoup 
as  speedily  as  possible,  for  at  last  I  have  an  enter 
prise  worthy  of  your  capacity.  We  are  recom 
mended  to  a  fabulously  rich  old  gentleman,  who  is, 
as  yet,  sceptical  of  our  powers  of  diversion.  I 
strongly  advise  you  to  conceal  yourself  in  his  house 
and  sandbag  him  in  his  own  studio  —  but  of  course 
I  shall  leave  the  details  to  your  sagacity." 

I  flew  into  a  bubbling  rage  at  this.  "Sir,"  I 
exclaimed,  "  I  am  neither  a  detective  nor  a  felon  ! 
How  dare  you  offer  me  so  infamous  a  proposi 
tion  !" 

"Softly,  softly,"  cooed  the  old  man,  spreading 
his  fat  fingers.  "  I  had  entirely  forgotten  that  you 
were  still  unfamiliar  with  the  character  of  our  busi 
ness  at  number  23  Forest  street.  Let  me  introduce 
myself,  then,  as  the  director  of  the  Romance  Asso 
ciation,  whose  abilities,  by  the  way,  many  hundreds 
of  clients  will  be  pleased  to  affirm.  We  are,  in  a 
way,  in  the  enterprise  of  retailing  romance  —  or 
wholesaling  it,  for  that  matter  —  we  force  Fate  ;  we 
7 


THE   ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

Marionettes  wired  to  a  Fat  Fool's  Finger. 

make  interesting  things  happen.  And  what,  after 
all,  is  our  Association  but  the  true  Theatre  Libre? 
Instead  of  set  scenes  and  painted  flats,  we  perform 
on  the  picturesque  stage  of  Life.  The  gaslit  town, 
abounding  with  movement  and  colour,  with  supernu 
meraries  unpaid,  it  is  true,  but  admirable  in  dialect, 
well  trained,  yet  naive,  —  or  the  broader  openings 
of  the  country,  Nature's  own  construction,  with 
real  trees  in  the  foreground,  —  why  should  these 
properties  revolt  you  ?  As  a  player,  you  might  be 
unable  to  appreciate  these  unconventionalities,  but 
I  rely  upon  the  artistic  sentiments  of  the  author  to 
enjoy  our  dramatic  unities.  Here  we  have,  then," 
he  continued,  with  elaborate  gestures,  "  a  gentle 
man  of  parts,  into  whose  life  no  adventure  has  ever 
entered.  Around  him  we  weave  our  web  of 
Romance,  and  he  himself,  as  hero,  plays  his  part 
in  the  drama,  a  hand-to-hand  conflict  with  a  pictur 
esque  fate,  where  I  have  become  the  regent  of  his 
destiny.  The  gentleman  is  prepared  for  surprises 
and  will  pay  handsomely  for  an  eventful  life. 
Come,  now,  shall  we  disappoint  him  ?  Shall  he 
be  allowed  to  moulder?  " 

I  need  not  say  that  I  was  seduced  by  such 
allurements,  and  entered  with  all  willingness  into 
a  scheme  that  promised  as  much  pleasure  as  profit. 
The  anticipation  of  such  congenial  employment 
hastened  my  convalescence,  and  the  news  brought 
by  the  director,  at  a  subsequent  visit,  that  Vivette 
had  been  detailed  to  cooperate  with  me,  was  all 
8 


THE   ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

"  A  Damosell  clad  in  white  Samite,  richly  Beseene." 

that  was  needed  to  perfect  my  recovery.      I  was  at 
the  office  the  next  day. 

I  was  waiting  in  the  room  that  had  been  assigned 
me,  when  she  first  appeared  — from  I  knew  not 
where.  She  came  of  a  sudden,  like  a  rainbow, 
and  though  there  was  a 'soft  click,  as  from  a  secret 
door,  yet  the  panelled  wainscoting  of  the  old  room 
showed  blank  and  formal.  I  knew  it  must  be 
Vivette,  for,  had  it  not  been  for  the  exquisite  old- 
fashion  of  her  face,  —  the  features  of  an  antique 
miniature,  most  like  Lady  Jane  Grey,  a  rare  beauty, 
demure  but  fey  in  modern  costume,  —  the  witchery 
of  her  manner  would  have  told  me  that  here  was  a 
lady  unique.  She  was  not  of  the  mode,  not  mil 
linery  made,  nor  homespun  either,  but  quite  apart 
from  all  estimate  of  dress  and  the  accessories  of 
demeanour  that  define  most  women.  She  seemed, 
indeed,  not  so  much  a  woman  as  Woman  herself, 
in  a  finer  essence  doubly  distilled,  and  far  too  strong 
for  most  men's  nerves.  For  mine  at  least,  for, 
what  with  a  feeling  of  all  this,  and  the  mystery  of 
her  entrance,  I  gasped  a  little  when  I  saw  her. 
But  when  I  realized  that  it  was  toward  this  won 
derful  creature  that  I  had  held  such  bold  franchise 
of  correspondence,  —  that  I  had  rondeaued  her  and 
renamed  her  and  bepetted  her  with  all  the  foolish 
lacery  and  vermeil  of  our  flirtation,  —  and  when  I 
swam  in  the  smile  of  her,  my  opinion  of  myself 
bounced  up  to  one  hundred  and  twenty-eight,  and  I 
set  the  whole  goal  of  my  life  at  the  winning  of  an 
9 


THE    ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

Love's  Language.     Follysyllabic,  Agglutinative,  or  Affected? 

expression  of  which  I  knew  those  hazel  eyes  were 
capable.  But  meanwhile  she  was  fusillading  me 
merrily  with  little  dancing  glances  of  amusement, 
and  as  she  could  not  wait  for  me  to  come  out  of 
my  trance,  she  said  : 

"And  so  you  have  nothing  to  say,  now  you  see 
me  ?  Fie  !  I  heard  you  had  been  an  actor  !  ' ' 

"The  best  romances  have  little  dialogue," 
said  I,  and  I  quoted  a  saucy  line,  apropos,  from 
Henri  Murger. 

"  I  believe  you  are  right,"  she  said  ;  "  the  libretto 
is  slight  enough  in  the  opera  of  Love,  but  it's  a  less 
ravishing  drama  we're  in  for ;  and  I  must  talk,  if  I'm 
to  get  through  my  chapters,  and  you  must  learn 
too;  or  you'll  be  discharged  from  the  Association." 

"I've  managed  it  so  far  without  talking,"  I 
said  pointedly;  "  have  you  any  complaints  to  make 
at  headquarters  ? ' ' 

"  Divil  a  wan,"  said  the  maid,  for  she  was  one- 
sixteenth  Irish  of  the  best  flavour,  that  gave  to  her 
conversation  what  the  balls  are  to  the  Roman 
candle. 

But  it  is  not  our  colloquy  in  that  room  that  is 
here  to  be  told,  not  even  that  first  one  (and  there 
were  many  others  far  more  exciting,  after  I  learned 
her  talk);  no,  it  is  with  Solomon  Hopp  that  my 
next  chapter  is  to  be  loaded. 


10 


THE   ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

We  toast  our  Cheese  and  bait  our  Traps. 


SOLOMON  HOPP  confessed    t^ 
to  having  lived  five  and  forty         TTT  ^WlF^  ' 
years  without   having   been  reju-    iAMATEURf 

I*  i  .  11*  !  -^-  •*•  *  •*•  **  -^  •i-j  ^  -^  f 

venated  by  anything  worth  being         _„,_„  ~ 
called  an  adventure,  and  he  had     ;        TIVE 

called  on  the  Romance  Associa-    j, ,__, M J 

don  as  a  last  resort.  So  over  Solomon  Hopp 
Vivette  and  I  held  consultation  and  concocted  his 
desperate  remedy.  A  confidential  report  showed 
that  his  library  was  stocked  to  a  plethora  with 
the  novels  of  Gaboriau,  Anna  Katharine  Green, 
and  less  subtile  disciples  of  Poe,  and  it  needed 
but  this  hint  to  decide  that  in  his  case,  the  detec 
tive  motif  was  the  most  likely  to  be  successful. 

I  blocked  out  the  main  features  of  the  plot  and 
left  the  details  to  Vivette' s  imagination.  In  a 
few  hours  the  whole  thing  was  arranged,  the 
routes  and  stations  selected,  and  typewritten  in 
structions  sent  out  to  the  main  actors.  As  our 
rates  were  high,  —  there  being  little  competition, 
—  Hopp  had  paid  for  but  one  month's  entertain 
ment,  so  we  had  but  little  time  to  turn  around  in  ; 
yet  if  we  made  a  success  of,  it  he  would  doubt 
less  prove  a  permanent  and  profitable  customer. 

We  were  all  ready  by  six  o'clock  that  night, 
and  as  soon  as  dark  fell  Vivette  and  I  were  stand 
ing,  off  and  on,  up  and  down  the  block  opposite 
his  house,  like  yachts  waiting  for  the  racing  gun. 
At  eight  Hopp  emerged  from  his  doorway,  and 
looked  up  at  the  weather. 
ii 


THE   ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

Hopp  Hearkens.  Hopp  Horrified.  Hopp  Happy. 

"  That's  a  roof-garden  costume,"  said  I,  and 
we  tacked  off  down  town,  luffing  up  at  alternate 
corners  to  make  sure  of  his  progress.  In  this  way 
we  ran  him  down  to  the  rendezvous,  as  I  had 
thought,  and  after  a  few  necessary  manoeuvres 
we  anchored  in  the  seat  in  front  of  his. 

He  was  a  very  well  old  man,  pleasantly  wrinkled, 
and  his  eyes  were  those  of  a  child  who  plays  with 
his  food  and  uses  imagination  to  sauce  his  realities. 
With  such  an  one  the  game  promised  to  be  easy. 
So  Vivette  began,  for  his  benefit,  a  brisk  and  sug 
gestive  dialogue,  with  the  key  words  flung  sidewise 
over  our  shoulders  at  him.  It  was  not  long  before 
he  had  bitten,  and  was  following  our  hyperboles 
with  the  zest  of  a  hound  on  the  scent.  And  then 
we  plied  him  with  the  embroideries  of  a  fiction  that 
would  have  justified  a  warrant  for  our  arrest. 

From  the  patches  of  the  talk,  he  was  to  suspect 
us  of  foulest  conspiracy  against  the  laws,  of  con 
federate  assignation  and  nocturnal  embassy.  So 
at  last,  seeing  him  well  twisted  in  the  snare,  I 
pulled  out  an  envelope  and  scrawled  it  with  an 
address  for  Vivette,  and  then,  with  an  elaborately 
smothered  rehearsal  of  our  formulae,  I  left  her. 
What  she  did  after  that  I  can  only  suspect,  for  it 
was  her  chance  for  fine  shading  and  half  tone. 
There  was  more  story  in  the  poise  of  her  head 
than  in  some  women's  oral  confession.  I  know  one 
thing,  she  had  neither  to  speak  nor  to  look  at  him. 
Enough,  that  she  too,  after  a  brace  of  numbers, 
12 


THE    ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

Deep-dyed  Villany  guaranteed  not  to  Crock. 

rose  hurriedly,  and,  craftily  dropping  the  envelope 
from  between  her  gloves,  escaped  before  Mr.  Hopp 
had  time  to  assist  it  to  her. 

"  Will  he  look  up  the  address,  do  you  think  ?  " 
I  said,  as  we  waited  in  the  drug  store  opposite  the 
entrance  to  the  theatre. 

"  You  left  me  there  alone  by  him,  did  you  not  ? 
He'll  come,"  said  Vivette,  and  as  she  spoke,  old 
Hopp  entered  the  street  from  the  swing  doors  as 
one  might  come  on  a  stage,  L.  U.  E.  He  hailed 
a  cab  and  drove  off  up  town. 

"  You  may  take  me  home  now,  for  the  men  will 
do  the  rest,"  Vivette  commanded,  and  I  saw  her 
safely  to  her  door.  But  I  was  not  quite  so  sure 
of  our  hero  as  she,  in  spite  of  her  charms,  and  so  I 
made  back  to  the  rendezvous,  a  little  old  cottage 
on  Lark  street. 

As  I  approached  it,  I  saw  a  small  swarm  of 
persons  making  an  unsteady  progress  down  the 
walk.  The  street  was  deserted  else.  The  knot 
of  men  wabbled,  struggling,  toward  a  cab  that 
waited  by  the  curb  ;  its  door  suddenly  opened  and 
the  vehicle  swallowed  all  the  men  but  one  ;  the 
door  smacked,  the  driver  lashed  at  his  horses  and 
was  off  with  percussion.  The  survivor  came  up  to 
me  and  touched  his  cap. 

"He    was  a   little  scared,    sir,    but   he    fought 
pretty  well.      I  let  him  hit  me  all   he  wanted,  as 
you  said,  sir,  and  he  seemed  to  enjoy  knocking  me 
down,  sir,  but  I  was  well  padded,  all  right." 
13 


THE    ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

For  further  Information  see  Dime  Novels. 

The  schedule  was  being  carried  out  to  the  letter, 
and  I  slept  happily  that  night. 

What  need  to  trace  Hopp's  adventures  that  month  ? 
You,  who  have  read  Gaboriau  and  wondered  at  the 
multiplicity  of  the  incident,  may  imagine  the  activi 
ties  that  surrounded  our  hero.  What  racy  and 
suggestive  conversations  did  we  not  allow  to  be 
overheard  in  restaurants  and  street  cars,  by  this 
emulator  of  Lecoq  and  Pinkerton  !  What  letters 
did  we  not  drop  before  his  watchful  eyes,  with 
very  broad  hints  of  mysterious  plots  and  mention  of 
middle-aged  lame  men  with  white  hats  —  who 
were  sure  to  be  encountered  at  the  next  corner, 
and  take  up  the  game  as  we  had  planned,  spatter 
ing  the  clew  wide-cast  like  a  game  of  hare-and- 
hounds ! 

Hopp  was  soon  absorbed  in  the  sport  and  devoted 
his  whole  time  to  the  ramifications  of  the  plot. 
The  climax  was  set  for  the  1 8th,  and  when  he 
at  last  tracked  the  principals  to  Sly  Park  and  there 
hazarded  an  entrance,  his  excitement  was  a  raree 
show  —  for  us,  concealed  in  the  garret.  One  of 
the  band  of  pseudo-counterfeiters  that  had  used  the 
house  interviewed  him  the  day  before,  and  had  be 
trayed  the  mythical  gang.  The  entrance  to  the  den 
was  supposed  to  be  beset  with  dangers  lying  hugger- 
mugger  at  every  hand.  A  horrible  oath  of  secrecy 
was  required,  and  Hopp's  soul  would  have  been 
hardly  worth  saving,  had  he  informed  the  police. 

We  had  spared  neither  imagination,  trouble,  nor 
14 


THE    ROMANCE    ASSOCIATION 

A  $287.0x3  Climax.  The  Assassination. 

expense  upon  the  equipment  of  that  house,  and  in 
the  cellar  was  an  elaborate  arrangement  of  properties, 
—  furnaces,  melting  pots,  dies,  and  metal  pigs,  — 
whose  establishment  I  considered  a  work  of  art. 
The  paraphernalia  were  completed  by  two  hundred 
and  eighty -seven  newly  minted  dollars,  in  a  starch- 
box. 

When  Solomon  Hopp  left  the  house  his  pockets 
bulged  humourously  ;  he  had  a  strained,  nervous 
expression,  as  of  one  discovered  in  quarter-dress  and 
anxious  to  escape  scrutiny.  Vivette,  experienced 
as  she  was  in  the  ludicrous  aspects  of  the  Associ 
ation's  business,  marvelled  at  the  seriousness  of 
Hopp' s  interest.  The  next  day,  however,  revealed 
the  calibre  of  his  innocence. 

It  was  early  in  the  morning  that  he  called  to  see 
the  director.  "  I  wish  to  cancel  my  subscription," 
said  Sol.  Hopp. 

"  Why  so  ?  "  scowled  the  director.  "Are  you 
dissatisfied  with  the  services  of  the  Association  ?  " 

"The  fact  is,"  said  Hopp,  "  that  I  have  had 
such  surprising  adventures  with  a  gang  of  criminals, 
this  month,  that  I  hardly  need  to  make  use  of  the 
company's  assistance." 

The  director  murdered  him  with  a  glance  of 
contempt.  "  Has  anything  of  as  like  exciting 
nature  happened  to  happen  to  happen  before 
you  patronized  my  Association  ?  "  he  sneered 
ferociously. 

"Oh,  no  !  "  exclaimed  Solomon  Hopp. 
15 


THE    ROMANCE    ASSOCIATION 

Hopp  Haggles.  A  Double  Star. 

"  Then  the  Association  stands  unstultified,  seeing 
it  guaranteed  only  that  the  month  for  which  you 
subscribed  would  prove  eventful." 

Hopp  seemed  a  little  disappointed  at  this. 
"  But  at  least  I  can  get  the  thirty -five  and  two-fifths 
per  cent,  rebate  due  at  the  end  of  the  month  ?  "  he 
insisted. 

"We  have  already  rebated  two  hundred  and 
eighty-seven  dollars,"  said  the  director,  taking 
down  my  vouchers.  Hopp  opened  his  eyes  at 
mention  of  the  figure. 

"  Perhaps  you  thought  the  dollars  were  counter 
feit,"  continued  the  director;  "I  assure  you  they 
will  pass." 

Then  Solomon  awoke  from  his  happy  dream. 
"  See  here,"  he  said,  and  he  pounded  on  the 
counter  with  his  fist,  "put  me  down  for  an  annual 
subscription,  please  ! ' ' 

fcffifFfitRt  VIY"TTEfc    and    l  .P'a\ed 
THF  *    w        su        success    in    this 

1"    r>TTr»TT^TA     t  and  subsequent  engagements  that 

•    rJUKlJc-JJ    •  ,      ^j  , 

TREASURE  we  enc*eared  ourselves  more  and 
j£ ^ ^_|_ J  more  to  the  director,  whose  con 
fidence  in  me  increased  daily.  Vivette's  hold  over 
him  was  long  since  made  sure,  but  from  this  time 
on  her  authority  was  well-nigh  absolute,  and  the 
old  man,  already  nearly  in  his  dotage,  became  a 
mere  figurehead  to  the  Association,  willing  enough 
to  leave  to  either  one  of  us  the  decision  of  the  most 
important  affairs  of  the  office. 
16 


THE    ROMANCE    ASSOCIATION 

Oh,  fie!    Saving  Seed  for  a  Sequel? 

Our  adventures  during  this  year  would  fill  many 
volumes.  I  should  say  do  fill  many  volumes,  for 
the  Memoirs  of  the  Association,  that  have  been 
kept  in  cipher  for  many  years,  and  from  which  I 
am  now  refreshing  my  memory,  fill  several  shelves 
in  the  director's  private  office.  But  the  key  to 
the  records  of  all  before  two  years  after  Vivette 
joined  the  staff  has  been  lost,  and  I  have  not  as  yet 
had  time  to  decipher  them.  That  is,  however,  the 
work  of  my  life,  and  I  cannot  help  hoping  that  I 
shall  find  there  some  clew  to  her  mystery  and  per 
haps  be  able  to  trace  her  in  the  past  as  well  as  the 
future.  But  as  I  was  saying,  our  own  adventures 
this  year  were  far  too  numerous  to  be  described. 
Suffice  it  to  say,  however,  my  own  devices  were 
not  always  the  least  ingenious,  and  speaking  of 
ciphers,  I  may  be  forgiven  if  I  relate  something  a 
little  out  of  the  running  of  most  of  our  successes. 

I  found  on  my  desk,  one  morning  (beside  the 
single  carnation  that  Vivette  had  left  there),  a  mem 
orandum  in  the  director's  crawling  fist,  from  which 
I  learned  that  James  F.  Merioneth  (the  chief  had 
carefully  put  an  accented  and  diacritical  long  "  i  "  ), 
a  retired  tea-taster  of  Millamours,  had  enlisted  the  ser 
vices  of  the  Association  to  the  air  of  five  thousand  dol 
lars  per  month,  offering  a  still  larger  investment  rebat- 
able.  The  latter  alternative  referred  to  our  custom 
of  employing  a  more  generous  sum  of  money  than  our 
subscribers  could  afford  to  lose,  allowing  them  to 
recoup  at  certain  stages  of  the  game,  as  if  by  acci- 
17 


THE    ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

Portrait  of  a  Scholar.  @  —  $TH((D5X  -f-  * 

dental  good  fortune,  as  did  Solomon  Hopp  afore 
said.  In  this  way  we  were  enabled  to  undertake 
operations  on  a  much  more  interesting  scale,  and 
generally  to  the  greater  satisfaction  of  the  sub 
scriber. 

Now  the  liberality  of  Mr.  Merioneth's  offer 
kindled  my  hopes  that  he  might  be  induced  to  play 
a  still  heavier  game  than  had  been  often  run  with 
the  office,  and  so,  with  no  more  definite  scheme  of 
operations  in  my  mind,  I  went  up  to  feel  of  him 
and  see  of  what  stuff  he  was  made.  I  found  him 
in  his  library,  a  weazened,  sallow,  near-sighted 
man,  of  an  incredible  thinness,  goggled  with  enor 
mous  convex  lenses.  I  wondered  to  myself  who 
had  whispered  to  this  mummy  that  there  was  such 
a  thing  as  romance  ! 

He  was  poring  over  a  sort  of  chart  that  was 
spread  out  on  a  huge  table,  flanked  and  surrounded 
by  maps  and  heavy  volumes.  I  looked  again  and 
saw  it  was  the  pictograph  of  the  Aztec  migration. 
He  looked  up  toward,  though  hardly  at  me,  as  I 
entered,  and  bade  me  sit  down. 

"  You  are  aware  of  my  mania,  I  suppose  ?  " 
began  Mr.  Merioneth. 

I  was  forced  to  confess  ignorance,  as  I  had  had 
no  report  beyond  the  few  notes  the  director  had 
given  me. 

"I  am  devoted  to  the  art  of  cryptography," 
he  then  went  on,  "and  I  have  begun  to  flatter 
myself  that  I  am  an  expert,  if,  indeed,  not  an 
18 


THE    ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

James  Frederick  Merioneth,  his  Library. 

authority.  If  you  will  take  the  pains  to  look  over 
these  shelves,  you  will  find,  I  think,  all  that  is 
worth  reading  in  the  literature  of  the  subject,  from 
Trithemius  down  to  the  last  word  on  the  subject." 
He  took  down  an  old  book  bound  in  vellum. 
"  There  is  a  copy  of  the  first  edition  of  Blaise  de 
Vigenere,  1587,  which  was  the  last  work  necessary 
to  make  my  collection  complete.  I  have  reclassi- 
fied  all  the  various  cryptograms,  and  have  laid  down 
a  system  of  qualitative  and  quantitative  analysis 
which  I  consider  embodies  the  only  truly  scientific 
procedure.  You  may  not  believe  it,  sir,  but  I 
have  succeeded  in  discovering  an  entirely  new  species 
of  cipher,  hitherto  unknown,  working  by  direct 
deduction  from  the  principles  of  my  classification ! ' ' 

I  showed  a  decent  surprise  at  his  astuteness.  I 
was,  in  fact,  not  a  little  afraid  of  him,  for,  as  the 
scientific  intellect  leaves  little  room  in  the  mind  for 
the  vagaries  and  mists  of  pure  romance,  I  feared  he 
would  be  a  hard  customer.  His  library  was  a 
veritable  museum,  hung  with  casts  and  photographs 
of  all  the  most  famous  hieroglyphs  and  esoteric 
inscriptions,  from  every  quarter  of  the  globe. 
There  were  models  of  cipher  typewriters  and 
mechanical  combiners  of  characters  by  which  he 
had  been  verifying  the  chances  computed  by  the 
laws  of  permutation.  I  knew  very  little  of  all  this, 
and  I  wondered  how  I  should  be  able  to  fool  him. 
But  I  put  on  the  bold  face. 

"You  see,"  continued  the  old  man,  "I  have 
19 


THE    ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

Fools  rush  in  where  Angels  fear  to  Tread. 

come  to  about  the  end  of  my  rope,  and  there  is 
little  else  to  be  done  but  to  seek  for  those  accidents 
in  calculation  which  the  best  of  us  are  likely  to 
make.  There  may  be  cryptograms  so  cleverly 
constructed  that  they  cannot  be  deciphered  by  my 
method,  but  I  very  much  doubt  it,  for  the  system 
is  scientific  and  logical.  I  have  heard  a  good  deal 
of  your  work  at  the  Romance  Association,  and  if 
you  are  as  clever  as  they  say  it  should  interest  you, 
this  problem.  Come,  I  will  pit  my  wits  against 
yours,  young  man,  I  will  stake  any  sum  you  may 
mention  upon  my  ability  to  read  any  manuscript 
you  may  prepare  !  " 

He  chuckled  vainly  as  he  spoke,  and  I  feared  he 
had  sent  for  me  only  to  flatter  his  own  conceit  at 
the  expense  of  my  discomfiture.  It  needed  but 
this  to  put  me  on  my  mettle,  and  I  made  up  in 
audacity  what  I  lacked  in  experience,  having  found 
that,  nine  times  out  of  ten,  I  could  achieve  what 
at  first  had  seemed  impossible. 

"Very  well,"  I  said.  "It  is  possible  that  we 
may  be  able  to  provide  amusement  for  even  such  an 
epicure  as  you.  If  you  will  allow  me  a  day  to 
look  up  a  subject  on  which  I  confess  I  am  a  little 
tarnished,  I  will  then  be  very  glad  to  complete  with 
you  the  arrangements  for  your  sport." 

"Take  a  month  —  take  a  year,"  snickered  Mr. 
Merioneth.  "I  can  wait,  and  you'll  need  it." 

I  walked  home,  doleful  enough  over  the  pros 
pect,  for  I  had  no  doubt  that  the  old  tea-taster  was 


THE    ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

I  teach  a  Grandfather  to  suck  Eggs. 

shrewd,  and  well  up  in  the  science  of  his  hobby. 
I  worried  a  good  deal  over  the  thing,  and  it  was  a 
long  time  before  I  could  see  light  at  all.  And  yet 
I  could  not  afford  to  fail,  if  for  no  other  reason 
than  that  I  should  be  disgraced  in  the  eyes  of 
Vivette,  for  whom  I  had  begun  to  conceive  a  very 
lively  fancy.  I  had  been  much  with  her  of  late, 
and  I  knew  not  whether  to  respect  more  the  agility 
of  her  brain  or  the  kindness  of  her  heart.  Yet  she 
was  successively  fire  and  ice  and  quicksilver.  One 
never  knew  where  to  find  her,  save  that  it  would 
be  in  a  position  impregnable  and  unique.  But  I 
had  determined  to  please  her,  and  felt  the  necessity 
of  displaying  my  prowess  in  the  lines  where  she 
herself  excelled. 

In  time  my  mind  cleared,  and  I  saw  plainly 
what  was  the  only  thing  to  be  done  in  the  Meri 
oneth  affair,  and  the  only  way  in  which  my  sub 
tlety  could  hope  to  defeat  his  years  of  training. 
The  plan  could  not  be  carried  out  without  risk, 
but  I  was  willing  to  stake  my  reputation  on  the 
hazard  of  the  throw. 

I  called  again  upon  the  tea-taster  the  next  day, 
and  by  an  egregious  exaggeration  of  my  own 
powers  and  a  half-concealed  deprecation  of  his  old- 
fashioned  methods,  I  drew  him  on  to  a  most  reck 
less  offer  of  contest.  He  proposed,  in  short,  to 
make  over  to  me  his  entire  fortune,  a  cool  million, 
to  be  hidden  at  my  own  discretion,  and  the  secret 
of  its  location  to  be  given  him  in  a  description  xof 
21 


THE    ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

"If  this  Young  Man  expresses  himself  in  Terms  too  Deep  for  me, 

which  I  alone  held  the  key.  This  he  proposed 
to  decipher  and  with  its  instructions  to  regain  his 
money. 

"I  shall  withhold  one  week's  expenses,"  he 
said,  "  and  if  I  have  not,  at  the  end  of  that  time,  suc 
ceeded  in  reading  the  manuscript,  I  shall  entertain 
a  very  great  respect  for  your  powers,  and  I  shall 
consider  my  patronage  of  your  Association  a  very 
happy  fortune." 

The  manuscript  was  prepared,  and  I  presented 
it  to  him  with  my  heart  in  my  mouth.  ((  Ah- 
ha,  I  see  you  are  deep,"  he  said  ;  "  there  is  at  least 
one  of  Bacon's  '  virtues  '  which  your  cipher  pos 
sesses,  for  the  manuscript  certainly  would  create  no 
suspicion,  in  the  average  week-day  intellect,  that 
it  contained  a  secret  message.  But  it  cannot 
escape  me,  and  I  shall  be  around  in  a  day  or  so  to 
show  you  how  it  might  be  improved." 

He  was  indeed  around  in  a  few  days,  but  it  was 
to  receive  assurance  from  the  director  that  there 
actually  was  a  significance  to  the  writing,  and  that 
it  did  correctly  describe  the  location  of  the  treasure. 
Time  passed.  The  week  elapsed  without  his  hav 
ing  solved  the  riddle,  and  I  called  to  see  if  he 
desired  any  hint  or  clew  as  to  the  translation.  The 
old  man  drew  himself  up  proudly  and  looked  at 
me  squarely:  "Young  man,  I  must  confess  you 
are  entitled  to  have  the  satisfaction  of  knowing  that 
you  have  succeeded  in  puzzling  James  F.  Merioneth  ! 
For  myself,  I  assure  you  I  am  having  the  happiest 
22 


THE    ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

What  a  singularly  Deep  Young  Man  this  D.  Y.  M.  must  be !  " 

time  of  my  life,  and  I  propose  to  enjoy  it,  if  I  am 
forced  to  live  on  one  meal  a  day." 

I  bethought  myself  then  of  that  condition  of  his 
offer.  "  If  you  have  indeed  been  reckless  enough 
to  literally  surrender  all  your  fortune,  except  that 
ridiculous  sum,"  I  said,  "I  trust  you  will  allow 
me  to  advance  you  your  living  expenses  at  least." 

"  I  beg  you  never  to  mention  the  subject  again," 
he  insisted  haughtily  ;  "  you  may  see  me  in  a  ragged 
coat,  but  you  will  never  hear  me  confess  myself 
beaten  !  " 

He  was  as  good  as  his  word.  After  a  few  weeks, 
his  money  having  entirely  gone,  he  was  forced  to 
seek  a  temporary  employment,  to  support  himself 
until  the  puzzle  should  be  solved.  He  went  back, 
therefore,  to  his  old  occupation  of  tea-tasting,  but 
as  he  soon  found  that  the  mental  fatigue  incident 
to  his  nightly  calculations  over  the  manuscript  had 
affected  his  nerves,  he  sought  a  berth  as  book-keeper. 
But  here  again  he  found  that  the  ardour  of  his  intel 
lectual  struggle,  that  had  now  become  a  grand 
passion,  unfitted  him  for  continuous  and  intense 
thought  on  any  other  subject  during  the  day.  And 
so,  retrogressing  through  the  trades,  he  at  last  took  a 
common  labourer's  situation,  and  dug  with  an  iron 
shovel  upon  the  county  road.  There  was  indeed 
a  fable  in  the  happiness  of  the  old  millionaire  toiling 
assiduously  with  his  mind  as  with  his  hands,  faith 
ful  to  his  conception  of  the  ideal  pleasure,  and  in 
the  pauses  of  work,  or  when  the  foreman's  eye 
23 


THE    ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

With  his  Spec's  upon  his  Forehead  all  the  Time! 

wandered,  stealing  a  furtive  glance  at  the  mysterious 
scroll  ! 

Again  and  again  I  went  to  him  and  offered  to 
disclose  the  secret,  but  he  refused  to  entertain  the 
idea.  He  was,  however,  exceedingly  desirous  of 
knowing  where  and  how  I  became  acquainted  with 
the  intricacies  of  the  cryptogram.  But  here  I  took 
my  turn  at  obduracy. 

However  at  last,  one  day,  seeing  that  the  hard 
toil  had  somewhat  worn  him,  I  mentioned  the 
genius  of  Poe  in  connection  with  feats  of  induction 
and  deduction.  He  stopped  his  work  to  think, 
reviewing  the  writer,  maybe,  and  only  the  harsh 
oath  of  the  boss  ordering  him  to  quit  his  loafing 
recalled  him  to  the  present. 

But  the  next  day  Mr.  Merioneth  was  not  in  the 
ditch.  I  was  hardly  prepared  for  such  a  sudden 
enlightenment,  but  I  hastily  convened  my  super 
numeraries  and  properties  and  shipped  them  with 
all  haste  to  the  fallow  cache  where  I  had  buried 
the  million.  I  was  determined  that  whether  to  his 
taste  or  not,  he  should  have  the  most  melodramatic 
accessories  to  the  disinterment.  For  now  he  was 
the  victim  of  the  baldest  prose  ;  I  had  taken  a 
leaf  from  the  book  of  the  "  Purloined  Letter"  of 
Poe,  and  the  description  of  the  location  of  the 
treasure  was  legibly  written  down,  as  plain  as 
Holy  Writ,  and  as  true.  I  had  taken  the  chance 
that  James  F.  Merioneth  would  never  regard  the 
perfectly  obvious  and  simple  directions  of  the  letter, 
24 


THE   ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

A  Listener  hears  111  of  Himself. 

but  that  his  intellect  was  of  that  astute  degree  that 
would  read  into  the  words  some  occult  signifi 
cance. 

And  so  amid  the  hoarse  groans  of  supposititious 
spooks  and  the  wild  call  of  owls  and  hobgoblins  he 
regained  his  fortune  and  learned,  forbye,  a  never- 
to-be-forgotten  lesson  in  finesse 

THE     adventuresses      had  ^^^FTER  ~f 
left,   the    disguised  dukes  jy    THE  TOPI 
had  left,  the  highwaymen  had    '    A  .  T  T  .  -VJT 

i      f  11         -1  •     •!•  JL      VJ-Tii-iJ-iAiN    1         JL 

left  ;    all  these  were  specialists  j£ ^ ^^. .. .£ 

belonging  to  the  regular  office  force,  and  had  no 
need  to  linger.  It  was  late,  I  had  begun  to  think 
the  house  was  empty,  and  hurried  over  my  report, 
hoping  to  catch  Vivette  on  her  way  home,  when 
her  voice  sought  me  out  by  way  of  a  half-shut  door. 
Its  course  was  errant,  though  ;  I  was  not  meant  to 
hear.  "  You  must  hand  it  over  to  him  —  I  insist 
upon  it  !  "  it  said. 

Now  who  was  this  with  whom  Vivette  must  need 
insist  ?  It  was  by  no  means  her  habit,  surely  ;  her 
favours  were  used  to  come  to  her  on  the  hand- 
gallop.  But  hush  !  —  it  was  the  director  him 
self  !  —  to  wit : 

"  I  consider  him  utterly  incompetent  for  the 
part.  This  affair  needs  delicate  handling  and  the 
most  tender  balance  of  tact  and  coolness.  Indeed, 
I  would  hardly  dare  touch  it  myself !  Pshaw,  my 
dear,  he's  a  mere  boy  !  What  does  a  lad  know  of 
women,  at  twenty -four  !  " 
-  25 


THE   ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

Attributes  of  a  Wooer.  O  Tempora  ! 

"Listen  here,"  said  Vivette, — I  blush  to  con 
fess  that  I  was  still  listening,  —  "he  has  had  two 
sisters,  and  that  is  a  good  foundation  for  any  man, 
and  saves  him  a  great  many  mistakes  at  the  start, 
so  that  all  he  finds  out  afterward  is  clear  gain. 
Besides,  I  can  tell  by  the  shape  of  his  chin  !  I'm 
sorry  he  has  such  a  strong  sense  of  humour,  but 
he'll  have  to  forget  that  —  and  anyway,  if  he 
doesn't  know  how,  we  can  afford  to  break  him  in." 

"How's  that?"  rasped  the  director.  "It 
won' t  break  him  in,  it  will  break  him  up  —  more 
likely!" 

"  Well,"  said  Vivette,  "  it  is  decided,  then,  that 
we'll  assign  him,  and  you  will  tell  him  in  the 
morning?"  Her  tone  was  definitive. 

Something  told  me  not  to  confess  my  eaves 
dropping  too  soon,  and  I  held  my  tongue,  though 
I  had  no  doubt  that  the  talk  was  anent  me.  The 
next  morning  there  was  an  order  slip  on  my  desk 
from  the  director,  and  I  went  up.  "It's  a  queer 
job,"  said  he.  "I  confess  I  can't  make  much  out 
of  it.  Times  have  changed  since  I  was  young ; 
you  get  into  the  way,  though,  of  thinking  women 
are  mostly  all,  and  mostly  always,  alike.  Prob 
ably  you'll  have  no  trouble  at  all,  however,  with 
your  runaway  wits.  Here's  the  address,  3  Dove 
court ;  you'd  best  run  right  up  there." 

I  knew  more  than  to  ask  any  questions  of  the 
old  incompetent,  but  took  a  cab  to  Miss  Florizel's 
at  once.  She  was  in,  said  the  maid,  and  I  was 
26 


THE   ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

A  Mystery.  A  History. 

taken  down  the  hall  to  an  inner  room.  As  I 
passed,  I  caught  a  glimpse  of  something  on  a  table 
under  the  stairs  that  stuck  in  my  eye  sillily,  like  a 
mote  that  one  feels,  but  does  not  see.  There  was 
something  queerly  familiar  about  it,  but  I  could  not 
remember  what  the  object  was,  a  moment  after, 
though  I  knew  that  something  had  puzzled  me. 
While  I  was  still  wondering,  Miss  Florizel,  a 
bewitching  customer  of  nearly  thirty  years  of  age, 
flowed  into  the  room.  I  needed  no  introduction, 
and  she  needed  no  apology,  but  testified  directly 
of  her  malady. 

"Mr.  Redforth,"  she  began,  "behold  in  me 
the  type  of  a  myriad  lacklove  spinsters  !  I  am  not 
physically  impossible,  am  I,  now  ?  and  I  am  not 
too  ancient,  perhaps,  but  in  this  town  and  county 
I  have  fallen  into  a  scorn  of  all  would-be  lovers. 
They  have  come  up  to  me  by  the  double  dozen, 
and  back  again  by  the  same  road.  There  is  not  a 
gallant  equipped  for  my  society  in  the  parish. 
Here  I  am  at  the  turn  of  my  youth,  with  a  fit 
fortune  and  —  God  help  me  —  with  an  imagina 
tion  !  I  must  marry,  I  suppose,  in  accordance 
with  my  instinct,  but  before  I  go  I  have  a  wild 
mind  to  be  made  love  to  for  once,  and  in  some 
safe  way,  as  a  lady  of  spirit  and  taste  deserves, 
and  with  no  flavour  of  the  alleged  equality  of  the 
sexes.  Tell  me,  is  that  so  very  strange  ?  Am  I 
mattoid  ? ' ' 

"My  dear  Miss  Florizel,"  I  said,  with  a  smile, 
27 


THE    ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

A  Damsel  Desirous,  voting  Friends  a  Bore. 

"  you  are  an  anachronism.  Nevertheless,  I  feel 
for  you.  But  have  you  no  friendships  with  men, 
at  all?" 

"  Oh,  bless  me,  yes!"  she  replied;  "you 
mistake  my  complaint.  Many  a  good  man  have  I 
known,  really  well  and  deeply  too,  even  for  these 
extreme  days.  Oh  !  I  am  assez  bon  camarade ! 
Here's  the  best  of  the  lot,  and  a  dear  boy  too. 
Look  —  is  it  not  a  fine  face  ?  I  shall  marry  with 
him  some  day.  I  have  refused  him  four  times 
already,  but  he  has  the  patience  of  an  ox.  But 
that's  just  it.  I  hate  to  be  besieged,  and  hate  to 
be  starved  out.  I  want  to  be  carried  by  storm. 
Can  you  carry  me  by  storm  ?  Not  every  swash 
buckler  can  do  that,  either.  I  hope  you  swing  a 
keen  blade,  Mr.  Redforth,  if  you  attempt  the 
capture ! ' ' 

"Miss  Florizel,"  I  answered,  "I  am  not,  at 
times,  over  modest,  but  the  very  first  canon  of  this 
code  is,  that  in  levering,  of  all  games,  a  man  must 
neither  show  his  hand  nor  name  his  play." 

"  Hurrah!"  she  laughed;  "you  are  the  man 
for  me.  The  second  rule,  quick!  I  have  great  faith 
in  you,  indeed,  —  but  the  second,  the  second  ! ' ' 

"I  have  made  a  lucky  hit,"  said  I,  "and  I 
fear  to  go  on.  But  pshaw!  the  second  is  ready- 
made  at  my  hand  :  what  one  discovers  by  acci 
dent  one  must  claim  by  right." 

"You  extemporize,  Mr.  Redforth,  but  I  see 
you  steer  nimbly  enough  in  the  current  of  my 
28 


THE    ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

Of  Languid  Lovers  she  had  known  a  Score. 

tastes.  Yet  since,  as  you  say,  the  lady  should 
never  know  what  is  known  from  what  is  guessed 
by  her  swain,  it  were  folly  to  catechize  you. 
Alas,  we  are  very  modern  !  ' ' 

"I  hope  you  will  not  accuse  me  of  humouring 
you,"  I  said,  "for  in  good  faith  I  shall  do  what 
I  can,  according  to  my  own  lights.  But  I  am 
very  much  ashamed  to  say  that  I  have  always  done 
my  love-making  to  suit  myself,  and  have  gone  on 
riding  my  own  moods.  It  will  be  a  new  experi 
ence  to  attempt  to  frame  my  follies  to  fit  the  fancy 
of  the  girl." 

"  But  may  it  not  be,  after  all,  that  your  own 
way  will  please  me?"  said  Miss  Florizel. 

I  blushed  at  the  compliment. 

"I  have  played  a  good  deal,  in  my  time,"  said 
I,  "and  I  have,  perhaps,  played  pretty  hard.  But 
it  has  been  my  chance  to  meet  few  types ;  nor 
many  of  any  one  class ;  indeed,  they  were  all 
exceptions.  May  it  not  be  true,  then,  that  what 
is  true  of  these  should  be  true  of  all  women  ? '  * 

"It  would  be  true,  perhaps,  if  all  women  were 
not  exceptions.  Or,  alas,  what  is  the  same  thing, 
if  all  women  were  not  alike,"  said  she  hopelessly. 
"At  any  rate,  for  heaven's  sake  let  us  not  discuss 
it.  That's  what  they  all  do,  discuss  it  till  we 
grow  familiar.  They  gain  the  tertiary  thrill,  the 
joy  of  scientific  analysis,  —  but  they  miss  the  prim 
itive  impulse.  The  secret  of  the  charm  is  in  the 
process  of  getting  acquainted.  Why  murder  curi- 
29 


THE   ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

Analysis  of  a  Binary  Compound. 

osity  ?  We  get  acquainted  nowadays  in  six 
sentences.  There's  a  whole  language  made  espe 
cially  to  that  purpose,  for  the  Cognoscenti.  Can't 
you  remain  a  foreigner  for  a  long,  long  while,  so 
that  we'll  constantly  be  getting  acquainted?  I'd 
love  to  revert  to  type  ! " 

And  so  I  was  to  volley  and  thunder,  to  assault, 
retreat,  charge,  outflank,  as  the  campaign  flurried, 
and  capture  her  banners  if  I  might.  Indeed,  it 
was  lucky  for  me  that  I  had  seen  women  before, 
and  was  master  of  the  arts  of  outfall,  onfall,  ad 
vance,  sortie,  and  leaguer  ! 

It  may  seem  strange  to  you,  to  think  of  such  a 
cold-blooded  treaty  being  thus  made  between  us, 
but  though  I  confess  it  was  so  to  me,  — being  the 
first  time,  —  the  sight  of  the  table  below  the  stairs, 
when  at  last  I  left,  sent  a  stranger  fact  a-flying. 
It  was  Vivette's  hat  that  lay  there  ! 

Now,  what  did  this  mean  ?  Why  had  Vivette 
been  there,  and  why  had  she  insisted  that  I  be 
detailed  to  make  love  to  Miss  Florizel  ?  Look  at  it 
as  I  might,  I  could  read  no  compliment  into  it,  and 
what  subtile  mischief  there  might  be  floating  was  as 
hard  to  say.  But  no,  surely  it  was  not  the  latter  ; 
for  some  reason  Vivette  wished  me  to  show  my 
paces.  Could  it  be  that  she  would  see  or  hear, 
and  if  so,  why  ?  A  great  hope  sprang  up,  as  on 
a  mountain  top,  and  beckoned  wildly.  Vivette 
herself  was  an  epicure  —  connoisseur  in  things  like 
these ;  there  were  ultra-violet  lines  in  her  spec- 
30 


THE    ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

I  go  a-Lovering.  Puss-in-the-Corner. 

trum  ;  she  had  micrometric  distinctions.  Perhaps  — 
who  knows  ?  —  she  had  seen  some  good  in  me  after 
all,  and  had  reserved  some  test  like  this.  It  was 
a  crux  determinate.  Could  I  qualify  ? 

I  embarked,  then,  upon  the  amour,  with  this 
thought  inspiring  me.  What  Miss  Florizel's 
unaided  charms  would  have  won  for  her  I  cannot 
say,  and  what  her  unaided  wit  would  have  done  to 
baffle  me  with  new  and  newer  situations  I  know  as 
little.  To  be  candid,  I  think  she  would  have  con 
ceded  my  election  within  the  week,  but  she  was 
obviously  coached  to  repel  me,  and  I  tripped  her  up 
in  many  a  half-learned  feint.  It  was  certainly  no 
part  of  her  game  to  be  lightly  won,  for  she  would 
and  she  wouldn't,  she  blew  hot  and  blew  cold, 
and  I  soon  found  I  must  cast  aside  every  attempt 
to  obey  her  and  take  the  rein  in  the  good  old  style. 
It  was  easy  enough  after  that.  When  she  shied 
or  balked,  I  let  her  have  her  own  way,  robbing  the 
victory  of  any  material  advantages,  however,  and 
leaving  her  the  rest.  I  never  mentioned  another 
girl  in  her  presence  ;  I  never  made  myself,  or  her, 
ridiculous  ;  I  never  discussed  myself.  All  this  you 
may  think  might  go  without  saying,  they  should  be 
rules  as  familiar  as  that  which  makes  a  gentleman 
uncover  his  head  to  ladies,  but,  alas,  it  is  not  so  ; 
pray  try  it  yourself  if  you  do  not  believe  me. 

She  led  me  a  life,  that  month,  what  with  bring 
ing  her  a  different  and  always  an  appropriate  gift 
each  morning,  with  the  verses,  and  the  refinement 


THE    ROMANCE   ASSOCIATION 

"Two  and  Five  are  Four,  but  Five  and  Two  are  Six  !  " 

of  my  flatteries.  I  could  not  have  stood  it  unless  I 
had  felt  Vivette  around  the  corner,  so  to  speak,  at 
every  stage  of  the  proceedings.  The  worst  of  it 
was,  that  I  had  no  way  of  knowing  how  well  I 
suited  her.  Whether  Miss  Florizel  was  pleased 
or  not  had  now  become  a  minor  consideration 
with  me.  She  had  once  said,  laughingly,  that 
perhaps  I  was  getting  too  dangerous,  after  all,  and 
she  might  lose  her  heart.  I  should  have  been 
prepared,  for  I  have  seen  such  things  happen 
before  ;  but  I  was  shocked,  one  day,  to  see  the 
look  in  her  eyes  as  if  a  star  had  risen.  She  was 
swaying,  all  willing  to  be  won.  She  anticipated 
my  moves,  and  made  it  very  easy  for  me  to  take 
her  tricks.  I  saw  that  she  had  lost  her  heart  — 
and  her  head. 

I  resented  it  a  little,  for  she  had  expressly 
desired  the  services  of  our  Association  that  she 
might  not  break  anyone  on  the  rack  of  her  flirtation, 
and  I  went  home  that  night  in  a  dismal  temper. 
I  was  met  by  my  office  boy  with  a  letter.  It  was 
signed  by  the  director,  but  it  was  evidently 
written  by  Vivette. 

"  Take  9.32  train  to  Maldivers  to-night.  New 
business;  instructions  waiting  there.  Very  impor 
tant.  Will  finish  Florizel  affair ;" 

I  was  much  perplexed.  Had  Vivette  been  dis 
pleased  by  my  efforts,  or,  oh  !  had  I  qualified  ? 


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A   TELEPHONE    COURTSHIP 

Attempted  Burglary  of  a  Castle  in  the  Air. 


IN    this    wise    I    passed    many 


pleasant  months.     My  intimate  j 

association  with  the  sprightly  Vi-    J  corT  *TT,    j 

i       i    i    •  i      i         r         j      •          r          T  Ov^illlrilS—  T 

vette  had  laid  the  foundation  for  TIT-^ATM-»O 

i        T  i     j     i  -1  KlLZ/AlJJtj  o_L 

an  emotion  that  1  had  the  greatest  ;  T.»r>rnTT^TN  T 

i-rr     i                     r            j        i  1  MJi  1  riOD  J_ 

difficulty  in  concealing,  and  yet  her  j^^j.^  __  ^.^  __  7 

elusive  manner,  when  I  dared  to  approach  her  in  a 
more  personal  way,  utterly  disheartened  me.  Our 
numerous  interviews  had  given  me  the  chance  of 
seeing  many  sides  of  her  character,  but  there  had 

/not  been  one  not  altogether  entrancing  ;  whatever 
facet  was  turned  toward  me,  there  was  ever  the  flash 
of  the  diamond,  revealing  the  true  Vivette.  She 
seemed  fond  of  me,  too,  in  a  way,  but  held  off  a 
little,  as  if  waiting  for  something  to  happen  by  which 
she  should  be  guided.  I  chafed  under  the  restraint, 
knowing  well  enough  that  it  was  because  I  cared 
too  much  that  I  had  lost  my  confidence. 

But  when  I  first  discovered  that  the  thick  old  di 
rector  had  his  own  designs  upon  Vivette,  it  was 
all  I  could  do  to  restrain  myself.  I  felt  sure 
enough  that  she  would  not  tolerate  any  attentions 
he  might  be  fool  enough  to  offer,  but  the  very 
thought  of  its  possibility  made  me  a  little  uncom 
fortable  with  her. 

In  such  a  mood   I  was  one  day  summoned  to 
the  director's  office.      How  well  I  remember  it  ! 
35 


A   TELEPHONE    COURTSHIP 

Birthday  Presence.  I  become  Poacher. 

It  was  my  twenty -fifth  birthday.  The  demeanour 
of  the  old  man  offended  me  hugely,  and  his  in 
sinuations  that  I  had  been  using  the  machinery  of 
the  Association  to  further  my  designs  upon  the  fort 
une  of  one  of  his  most  trusted  and  valued  agents 
aroused  me  to  a  fury.  It  was  plain  to  see  that  he 
had  begun  his  dotage,  and  his  insufferable  conceit 
in  thinking  that  his  position  could  prepossess  Vi- 
vette  in  his  favour  disgusted  me.  He  soon  began 
to  realize  his  mistake  in  angering  me,  however, 
and  the  fear  of  losing  my  invaluable  services 
swerved  him  toward  a  fawning  propitiation  that  was 
far  more  loathsome  than  his  reproofs.  I  had  made 
several  attempts  to  break  off  the  interview,  and 
shut  out  the  sight  of  his  bald  head  and  disrespectable 
grey  hairs,  when  he  caught  me  by  my  conceit,  — 
I  cannot  deny  he  had  a  certain  shrewdness,  — 
telling  me  of  an  extraordinarily  delicate  commis 
sion  he  had  that  day  received  from  an  unknown 
client.  I  pricked  up  my  ears  at  this,  and  swal 
lowed  my  pride,  for  business  had  become  monot 
onous  of  late,  secret  society  initiations  being  then  in 
vogue  amongst  our  clients. 

"I  have  just  received  a  letter  from  a  lady," 
said  the  old  man,  with  a  fat  smile  at  my  unwilling 
complaisance,  ' '  enlisting  our  services  to  divert  the 
attention  of  her  sister  from  a  lover  who  is  very  ob 
jectionable  to  the  rest  of  ^the  family.  We  are 
given  carte  blanche  to  the  point  of  marrying  the 
girl  to  one  of  our  agents.  The  case  is  not  unin- 
36 


A   TELEPHONE    COURTSHIP 

An  Instrument  that  makes  all  Men  Handsome. 

teresting  —  what  do  you  say  to  it  ?  "  And  he 
twiddled  his  thumbs  with  a  satisfied  smirk,  know 
ing  well  enough  he  had  hooked  me. 

I  had  had  no  opportunity  for  a  really  exciting 
pastime  for  so  long  that  I  resolved  to  lay  myself 
out  on  this  commission,  and  I  discussed  elabo 
rately  on  my  pillow  that  night  the  proper  ways  and 
means.  I  reviewed  my  past  successes',  and  con 
trived  innumerable  patchwork  combinations  of  my 
various  inventions,  but  I  was  unsatisfied  with  their 
efficiency.  The  work,  I  thought  to  myself,  must 
be  done  cleanly  and  swiftly  if  the  girl  were  to  be 
saved  —  any  uncertainty  or  weakness  in  the  first 
move  would  ruin  everything.  I  must  use  modern 
methods,  sharp  tools,  and  act  with  absolute  con 
viction.  I  slept  badly  that  night,  but  as  I  lay  in 
the  morning,  planning  my  campaign  like  D'Arta- 
gnan,  the  thing  swam  clearly  out  of  my  mind.  The 
Arabian  Nights  by  telephone  !  And  the  rest,  to 
one  of  my  capacity,  was  easy. 

Yet  it  was  not  without  some  trepidation  that  I  rang 
her  up  that  day.  I  could  scarce  dictate  the  num 
ber,  and  as  I  heard  her  answer  "  Well  ?  "  my  voice 
was  rare  and  faint.  I  plucked  up  a  spirit,  how 
ever,  and  began  the  conversation  that  I  had  planned, 
leading  her  gradually  on,  as  might  a  gallant  skater 
escort  a  novice  upon  the  ice. 

"  Might  I  speak  t%  Miss  Celestine?"  Indeed, 
I  was  speaking  to  her,  and  who  was  it,  please  ? 
"  Would  she  forgive  me  if  I  didrf  t  give  my  name 
37 


A   TELEPHONE    COURTSHIP 

Love  Laughs  at  Locksmiths.  A  Siege  Perilous. 

for  a  few  minutes  ?  ' '  Certainly  not  !  —  she 
should  hang  up  the  telephone  immediately!  But 
she  didn't.  "But  I  bad  a  great  favour  to  ask 
of  her"  She  thought  I  had  asked  a  great  deal 
already.  "  But,  indeed,  I  bad  hesitated  a  long 
while  before  I  had  made  up  my  mind  to  call  her 
up!"  No,  she  must  leave  the  wire  instantly. 
"  But  she  might  possibly  hear  something  very  in 
teresting."  She  knew  it  was  all  a  hoax  by  some 
of  her  friends,  who  would  only  laugh  at  her. 
"  /  should  have  to  ask  her  to  take  that  risk,  then, 
and  trust  that  she  could  tell  a  gentleman  by  the 
sound  of  his  voice.  But,  after  all,  it  was  only 
necessary  for  her  to  listen,  and  I  would  do  all  the 
talking,  so  that  she  need  not  commit  herself  at 
all."  Then  I  had  been  relying  on  her  curiosity, 
had  I  ?  "  Not  at  all — upon  her  common  sense*" 
Then  what  was  the  favour  ?  "  But  would  she 
grant  it  ?  It  was  very  audacious !  ' '  How 
could  she  tell,  if  she  didn't  know  what  it  was, 
nor  who  1  was  !  "  But  my  name  wouldrf  t  help 
her  at  all ;  she  had  never  even  heard  of  me, 
although  I  assured  her  I  was  well  worth  knowing, 
as  she  would  find  if  she  didn't  hang  up."  But 
she  must  hang  up  if  I  didn't  tell  her  what  I 
wanted  pretty  soon. 

"  Well,  I  was  rather  surprised  at  my  own 
audacity,  and  I  assured  her  it  was  just  as  exciting 
to  me  as  it  was  to  her ;  but  I  simply  wanted  to 
if  I  could  talk  to  her  —  every  day."*'  In- 
38 


A   TELEPHONE    COURTSHIP 

The  Fish  on  the  Hook,  I  begin  to  Reel. 

deed,  she  didn't  call  that  simple  at  all  !  "  /  didn't 
see  iv by  it  wasn't  simple.  Of  course  it  was  an  ex 
traordinary  proposition,  but  she  certainly  wasn't  the 
girl  to  refuse  it  on  that  ground,  seeing  it  wasrf  t 
morally  wrong.  It  all  depended  upon  whether  it 
was  safe  for  her  to  trust  that  I  was  a  gentleman, 
and  whether  I  promised  to  be  interesting  enough" 

And  so  on.  It  was  much  easier  than  I  had 
hoped,  and  I  was  well  into  the  story  before  she 
realized  the  situation.  I  forget  now  how  I  in 
troduced  the  subject  of  Mami,  but  it  was  on  some 
such  plan  as  Scheherezade's,  so  that  she  could  not 
but  help  asking  for  the  tale.  And  so  this  is  the 
first  story  I  told  her.  As  I  went  on,  I  heard  come 
over  the  wire  her  little  subdued  chuckles  of  appre 
ciation,  punctuating  my  narrative  with  applause, 
and  I  warmed  to  the  recital,  unconsciously  gesticu 
lating  at  the  black,  expressionless  face  of  the  re 
ceiver,  as  to  some  indulgent  go-between.  .  .  . 
THE  whole  world  was  open 
and  we  walked  in,  smiling, 
There  was  no  one  at  home  but  a  f  A/T  AVTT'C 
squirrel,  so  we  sat  down  to  wait.  TRICK 

At  last  the  people  began  to  come  J M M j 

back.  First  there  was  a  lame  old  man  with  his 
foot  gone. 

—  "  Poor  old  man  !  "  said  Mami.    "  I  feel  so  sorry 
for  you.      Won't  you  take  my  foot  ?  " 

—  He  was  such  a  droll  man  with  Mami's  little  foot 
on  him  —  but  he  wouldn't     stay,    and    ran  off 

39 


A   TELEPHONE    COURTSHIP 

Prehistoric  Farce-comedy.  Chapitre  Inedite. 

shouting.  Then  along  came  a  boy,  with  his  arm 
in  a  sling. 

— "  Can't  you  get  a  good  arm?"  said  Mami; 
"here,  take  mine  ! '  So  off  went  Mami's  right 
arm  —  and  how  I  laughed  at  her  ! 

—  "Faith,  I'm  all  one-sided,  and  you'll  have  to 
hold  me  up  !  "  said  Mami. 

—  A  little  later  and  they  came  two  by  two,  and 
thick  as  spatters,  and  by  noon  there  was  nothing 
left  of  good  little  Mami  but  Mami's  voice. 

—  "  Put  me  in  your  ear,  so  you'll  not  lose  me,'* 
said  Mami. 

—  Then  all  the  rest  came  too,  for  a  cripple  man 
had  told  them,  — and    "Ob!  where' s    Mami?" 
they  said. 

—  "Tell     them    I'm    up    the    tree,"    whispered 
Mami's  voice. 

—  "She's  gone  up  the  tree,  after  more  limbs," 
said  I. 

—  So  they  all  went  up  the  tree  after  her. 

—  "Is  the  whole  world  up  there  ?  "  said  Mami. 

—  "They're  all  up  there,"  said  I,  "and  three  old 
men  besides." 

—  "Then  call  them  down,"   said   Mami,  "one 
by  one." 

—  So  first  a  little  girl  came. 

—  "  Do  you  like  black  eyes  ?  "  said  Mami. 

—  "  Brown  eyes,"  said  I,  "  like  yours." 

—  "  Then  let  her  go,"  said  Mami. 

—  After  a  while  another  came  down. 

40 


A    TELEPHONE    COURTSHIP 

A.  Fair  Exchange  is  no  Robbery. 

—  "  She  has  eyes  like  yours,"  said  I. 

—  "They're  prettier,"  said    Mami,    "  or    you'd 
never  have  said  that  ;  so  take  them  !  "      So  I  took 
them  away  from  her  as  she  came  down  the  tree, 
but  I  kissed  her  first,  for  Mami  couldn't  see. 

—  "  Now  I'll  have  a  mouth  next,"  said  Mami. 
How  she  could  have  suspected  I  don't  know, 
but  she  watched  me  with  her  two  brown  eyes, 
after  that.  It  was  a  rosy  mouth,  with  pretty  milk 
teeth,  that  I  got  for  her.  There  was  nothing  else 
in  the  whole  world  like  it. 

—  "  Now  you're  safe,"  said  Mami. 

—  "  Do  you  like  light  hair  or  dark  ?  "  said  Mami. 

—  "Gold  hair,"   said  I,  "with  a  spark  in  it," 
said  I,  and  they  came  down  the  tree  by  dozens  and 
ran  away  across  the  earth  like   ants  before  I  got 
any  to  suit  her. 

—  By  this  time  Mami  was  too  pretty,  almost.      I 
kept  turning  my  head  to  look   at  her.      "  Hurry 
up,"  said  Mami,  "we  must  let  them  all  go  before 
night,  and  it  is  four  o'clock  already." 

—  So    Mami    grew  and    grew.      The    folk    were 
selfish  at  first,  and  stingy,  when  I  stopped  them  ; 
but  when    they   saw    Mami  they   were   proud  of 
her,  and  they'd  say,  "  Oh,  indeed,  my  hands  are 
pretty  enough,  Teddy  always  said  so!"      But  at 
first   Mami  would   refuse   them,  and   turn   up  her 
nose.      Then,    "Oh,    please    take    them,    do!" 
they'd   say.      "Well,   perhaps   they'll   do,"    said 
Mami. 


A   TELEPHONE    COURTSHIP 

Apotheosis.  Moralysis.  Exodus. 

—  The  very  last  thing  was  a  little  pink  toe,  and 
Mami  was  so  particular  that  they  were  all  out  of 
the  tree  but  the  three  old  men,  before  we  knew. 

—  "The  sun  is  setting,"  said  Mami.      "I  don't 
want  their  old  toes  —  let  them  go  !  " 

—  So,  when  the  whole  world  was  empty  again,  I 
was  alone  with  a  beautiful,  beautiful  Mami. 

—  "  I'm  afraid  I  shall  limp  a  little,  but  I'm  per 
fectly  happy,"  said  Mami  ....... 

"Well,  she  had  a  kind  heart,"  said  the  voice 
at  the  other  end  of  the  telephone. 

"  She  had  a  good  head,"  said  I. 

"  I  can't  say  as  much  for  your  hero,"  said  the 
voice. 

"Yes,  he  was  a  little  promiscuous/'  said  I, 
"but  he  comes  to  grief  in  the  next  chapter." 

"And  when  do  I  hear  that?"  the  voice  in 
quired  a  little  wistfully. 

"I'll  ring  you  up  to-morrow,  at  the  same  time," 
said  I. 

So  the  next  day  I  found  her  ready  at  the  tele 
phone,  and  after  an  four-minute  hors-d*  aeuvre  flir 
tation,  I  began  : 

A 


K 

III    THF  very  a°surc*  country>  where 

1   T  Xervr/^    1   a^  tne  land  was  water,  and  all  the 

T    J_iVJollNLr     "  i        j  i  i         r 

OF  MAMI  ocean  was  as  nard  as  the  rocks  of 
5  __  M  __  M  __  t  Dundee.  When  we  had  climbed 
and  stumbled  till  we  were  intensely  weary,  we  sate 
down. 


42 


A   TELEPHONE    COURTSHIP 

A  Fable  with  a  Meaning  for  Self-conceit  O'erweening. 

—  "This  is  indeed  a  very  miserable  establishment 
of  topographical  peculiarities,"  said  Mami. 

—  Then  all  the  fishes  said,  "  Oh,  help  us,  for  we 
are    tired  of  burrowing  through  this    solid  sea  !  " 
and   the  birds   said,    "  Oh,   help  us,    for   we    are 
a-wearied  with  roosting  on  these  sliding,  slippery 
foam-trees  ! ' '      But  — 

—  "  Go  away  with  you!     I  have  troubles  of  my 
own,"  said  Mami. 

—  Then  Mami  called  down  the  stars  from  their 
sockets  in  thin    space,   and  piled   them  three  and 
three,   in  a  great   heap   by   the  shore-side,  and  lit 
them  with  blazing  comets  so  that  they  flamed  up  in 
a  huge,  hot  fire.      Then  the  ocean  began  to  coagu 
late  and  became  as  a  sticky  mud,  and  the  moun 
tains  melted,  and  when  the  whole  mass  ran  together 
then  Mami  said  : 

— «« Would  you  rather  a  whole  lot  of  little  islands 
in  a  very  blue  sea,  or  a  large  continent  with  rivers 
and  lakes  and  plains,  and  high  mountains  running 
up  and  down  the  edges  ?  " 

—  "  Make  me  a  beautiful  ocean,  with  a  big  island  in 
the  centre,'*  said  I,  "and  all  around  set  a  circle  of 
little  islands,  not  too  far  away.      And  you  and  I 
shall  live  on  the  big  island  forevermore,  until  I  am 
tired,  and  then  I  will  go  and  play  with  the  girls 
on  the  little  islands,  one  after  another,  until  I  have 
gone  wholly  around,   and  then  I  will   come  back 
and  live  on  the  big  island  again  with  Mami." 

—  Then  Mami  smiled  with  one  eye. 

43 


A   TELEPHONE    COURTSHIP 

Cf.  the  Monkey  and  the  Olives. 

—  And  she  pulled   the  gum  apart  and  watered  it 
with  her  tears,  and  taking  lumps  of  world-stuff  in 
her  hands  she  fashioned  them  into  tiny  balls,  and 
kissed  them  and  tossed  them  up  into  the  heavens, 
where  they  shone  so  brightly  that  no  one  has  dis 
covered  to  this  day  that  they  are  not  the  very  stars. 

—  But  where   Mami  stood    became  a    big  island, 
while  between  us  rolled  a  great  sea,  and  I  was  left 
alone  on  one  of  the  little  islands  with  a  pretty  girl, 
but  not  so  pretty  as  Mami. 

—  And  I  travel  around  from  island  to  island  play 
ing  with  the  girls  on  the  little  islands,  but  I  can 
never  get  back  to  the  big  island,  and  that  is  where 
Mami  is. 

—  For  though  I  send  many  messages  by  the  birds 
and  the  fishes,   no  word  comes  back  to  me  from 
Mami,  on  the  big  island 

"  Now  that  is  a  very  interesting  bit  of  modern 
folk-lore,"  said  the  voice  over  the  wire.  "I  know 
of  many  a  man,  and  one  in  especial,  who  might 
profit  by  your  hero's  experience." 

"  And  who  is  that  same  ?  "  I  inquired,  "for  I 
have  still  another  sermon  for  him." 

"  Pray  does  the  hero  come  to  grief?  "  asked  the 
voice. 

"  He  does  that,"  said  I. 

"Then  tell  it  me,  for  I  like  that  kind,"  said  the 
unknown. 

So  this  was  my  Wednesday  tale  : 


44 


A   TELEPHONE   COURTSHIP 

A.  Lady's  Favour \  How  Easily  it  may  be  Lost  ! 

ONCE  there  were  three  gob-  | 
lins   that  lived  under  a  rock  y 

in  the    meadow.       Heavens!    but  7     rT^TTDV?T?    i 
...  •   1 1    j      v  1  riKrLr,     " 

they    were     little    wrinkled,   dim-       PQT>T  J-NJC 

pled,  green-gray,  capering  knots  j  ANJ)  A  j 
of  men — tiny  valetudinarians  '  MYSTERY  } 

who  spent  their  whole  time  tick-  j M M j 

ling  each  other's  toes  and  spying  at  the  goatherd  in 
the  fields.  He  was  a  sight  too  handsome,  and  a 
very  valiant  lad  ;  he  had  killed  many  a  wolf  with 
one  whack  of  his  staff.  No  one  knows  how  many 
love  affairs  he  had  on  at  one  time.  The  mannikins 
feared  him,  for  they  were  mischievous  little  coward 
brats,  and  when  the  goatherd  whistled  through  his 
teeth  and  pointed  his  ten  fingers  at  them,  they  would 
scamper  away  like  roaches  and  hide  under  the  rock. 

—  The  youngest  goblin  was  a  thousand  years  old. 
"  It  must  be  that  knot  of  green  riband  in  his  cap 
that  makes  him  so  brave,"  he  said. 

—  So  that  evening,  when  the  goatherd  was  homing 
his  goats,  the  three  goblins  snipped  out  and  followed 
him.      Two  of  them  made  awful  faces  at  him,  and 
danced  around  among  the  kids  till  he  jumped  at 
them,  bawling,  while  the  other  snatched  the  green 
riband  away,  and  ran  miles  with  it  before  he  dared 
to  stop. 

—  But  the  goblins  could  find  nothing  in  the  talis 
man,  after  all.     They  tried  it  in  their  own  caps,  each 
in  turn,  but  not  a  man  Jack  of  them  dared  venture 
into  the  field  by  daylight. 

45 


A   TELEPHONE   COURTSHIP 

The  Complicated  Career  of  a  Chameleon. 

—  The  goatherd  spent  two  afternoons  and  a  morn 
ing  hunting  for  the  riband,  but  he  really  didn't  seem 
as  worried  about  it  as  the  goblins  had  expected, 
and  one  day  he  appeared  with  a  blue  favour  in  his 
cap  —  just  the  shade  that  should  go  with  chestnut 
hair  and  a  white  neck. 

—  The  second  goblin  was  five  thousand  years  old. 
And  he  said  to  the  others,    "He'll  surely  be  as 
strong  as  a  lion  and  swift  as  a  deer,  now.    It  won't 
be  safe  for  us  till  after  midnight,  and  I  shall  put 
the  green  riband  back  under  the  oak,  or  he'll  come 
after  us,  sure  !  " 

—  Now  the  next  week,  if  you'll  believe  me,  there 
was  a  still  different  one  in  the  goatherd's  cap.      A 
red  lutestring,  upon  my  word  !      And  the  silly  boy 
would  take  it  off",  and  smile  at  it,  and  pull  the  blue 
bow  out  of  his  scrip,  and  grin  at  that,  too,  —  but 
when    he    found    the  green  knot  on  the  grass  he 
laughed  right  out  loud,  and  kept  the  peeking  gob 
lins  wondering  at  him  all  the  rest  of  the  week. 

—  Now  one  day,  while  the  goats  were  a-nibbling, 
and  the  goatherd  was  whittling  out  a  willow  pipe 
down  by  the  lily  pool,  three  sweet  little  maidens 
strolled  into  the  field,   each  by  a  different   path  : 
one  from  the  fir  wood,  one  through  the  reeds  by  the 
brookside,  and  one  down  the  slope  of  the  hill,  over 
beyond  the  sweet-fern.      One  was  fair,  with  light 
brown  curls,  one  was  dark  (not  at  all  too  dark), 
with  sparky  eyes,   and  one  was  a  saucy  little  red- 
haired  witch,  with  such  a  pretty  skin  and  snow  teeth. 

46 


A   TELEPHONE    COURTSHIP 

The  Problem  of  the  Eggs  and  the  Baskets. 

—  But  when  the  bold  goatherd  saw  them  coming, 
all  three  at  once,  he  up  and  ran  with  very  pink 
cheeks,  and  hid  behind  the  rock  ;  and  he  didn't 
get   his    wits   quite  back  till  he  saw  three  youths 
come  peacocking  into  the  field,  and  pair  off,  two, 
and  two,   and  two,   with  the  maidlets. 

—  The  third  goblin  was  ten  thousand  years  old. 
"It  does  seem  enormous  strange,"  he  said,  "that 
this  courageous  goatherd  should  be  more  afraid  of 
three  wee,  weak,   witty  women-folk  than  yonder 
strong,  strapping  striplings  he  has  just  gone  forth 
to  meet  !  "    .    .    . 

"And  the  moral  of  which  is'' — asked  the 
voice  in  the  transmitter. 

"It  is  well  to  be  off  with  the  old  love,  I  sup 
pose,"  I  replied. 

"  Or,  don't  have  too  many  strings  to  your  beau," 
suggested  she. 

"  But  wouldn't  you  like  one  with  a  happier  end 
ing  ?"  said  I. 

"I  must  say,  I  sympathize  most  with  your 
heroines,"  the  voice  whispered.  "  But  I  suppose 
the  men  do  accomplish  something  even  in  your 
stories  —  but  they  are  awfully  slow  !  ' ' 

And  so  the  next  day  I  told  her  : 

THERE     was     a     princess  f-^^-^Jr^; 
once,  with  long  brown  hair  V™£  A  ^ 
like    Celestine's,     and    eyes    like  i    BITIOUS    t 
Celestine's,  though  she  was  very 
different   from   Celestine,   as   you 
47 


A   TELEPHONE    COURTSHIP 

A  Princess  used  to  Being  much  Admired, 

shall  see.  So  she  went  a-galloping  over  the  West 
Hills  with  her  maid  and  the  old  jester,  every  morn 
ing  before  embroidery  lesson  time,  and  she  was  a  fair 
rider  and  good  to  stare  at,  and  that's  what  the  shep 
herd  thought  as  he  whittled  his  stick  and  looked  out 
of  his  eyes  sidewise. 

—  "  She's  just  the  age  for  me,  and  I'll  have  her  !  " 
said  the  shepherd,  and  it  was  a  good  strong  vaunt, 
for  she  had  more  lovers  already  than  she  could  find 
errands  for.    But  his  old  mother  had  told  him  what 
women-folk  were  like,  and  he  had  a  little  idea  the 
size  of  a  nut  that  he  cuddled  all  day,  and  this  is 
what  came  out  of  it. 

—  The  next  day  he  went  down  by  the  road,  when 
he    saw    the    dust    coming,    and    as    the    princess 
pounded  by,  he  was  sitting  on  the  stone  with  his 
back  to  the  road,  mind  you  !     The  next  day  it  was 
the   same   story,  except  that  he  gave  her  half  his 
left  ear  to  look  at,  and  they  went  past  on  a  little 
jig-trot.      The  third  day  the  princess  walked  her 
pony,  and  there  he  sat,  moping  at  the  hillside,  with 
a  princess  every  bit  as  pretty  as   Celestine  behind 
him.      She  saw  a  profile,  though,  this  time. 

—  "  What  is  that  object  ?  "  she  said.      That  day 
she   dropped    two    stitches    in    her  tapestry,    right 
where  a  king's  eye  should  have  been.      The  next 
day  all  three  pulled  up  at  the  stile,  and  the  jester 
screamed    out,    "Hullo,    thee  !  "    just    like    that. 
But  the  shepherd  had  pulled  a  little  tabor  out  of 
his  pocket,  and  was  playing  through  the  holes  of  it, 

48 


A   TELEPHONE    COURTSHIP 

On  being  Scorned,  with  Ardour  is  Inspired. 

and  besides,  his  legs  were  walking  off,  right  up 
hill  with  him.  "  He's  in  love,"  said  the  maid-of- 
honour,  and  the  princess  whipped  up  so  hard  that 
she  had  to  use  a  different  horse  next  day;  but  then, 
when  she  rode  up,  she  saw  two  persons  —  two ! 
— There  was  the  shepherd,  facing  the  road  this 
time,  piping  away  merrily  to  this  chit  in  a  yellow 
frock  with  pink  bows.  The  poor  princess!  That 
day  she  ate  but  one  plate  of  soup  for  dinner,  but 
she  studied  her  irregular  verbs,  oh,  so  hard  !  My  ! 

—  But  she  rode  out  over  the  West  Hills  the  next 
day,   did   the  princess,   and  a  giggling  maid  after 
her,  and  a  grinning  jester  behind  her,  all  stringing 
up-hill  after   breakfast.        The   yellow   gown   was 
sitting  on  the  fence  as  bold  as  brass,  and  her  hair 
flying. 

—  "  Who  are  you  ?  "  said  the  princess. 

—  "I'm  going  to  marry  the  shepherd,  and  that's 
who  I  am,"  says  the  hussy  gruffly,    "and  don't 
you  go  for  to  be  a-makin'  eyes  at  him  neither,  you 
bad  lady;  I  seen  him  a-lookin'  at  you  !  " 

— The  princess  rode  slowly  on.  "  What  a  horrid 
face  she  has,  really,"  said  the  maid-of-honour, 
"and  that  shepherd  was  so  Very  Interesting." 

—  What   was   the    shepherd  doing?      Getting  off 
the  fence   and  taking  off  his  yellow  frock,   to  be 
sure,  and  dressing  up  his  two  meal  sacks  in  them, 
all     ready    for     Monday    morning,    when    he    sat 
opposite     them     and     laughed    at    nothing    at    all, 
unless  it  was  at  the  princess  when  she  cantered  by, 

49 


A   TELEPHONE    COURTSHIP 

She  seeks  to  Clear  a  Rival  from  her  Path, 

and  slyly   waved  her  lace  handkerchief  at  him  as 
she  passed. 

—  After  that  he  jumped  into  the  gown  again,  and 
sat   on   the    fence,    chewing   a    sassafras   stick   and 
swinging  his  legs.      Sure  enough,  she  came  back  the 
same  way  this  time,  and   "  When  are  you  to  be 
married  ?"    she  said. 

—  "Oh,   in  about  a  week    now,"   said    the  dis 
guised   shepherd,   for   he  wanted  to  finish  and  be 
done    with    it.      The    princess    grew   white,    then 
red. 

—  "I'll  tell  you  what  you  do,"  she  said.      "You 
come  and  be  a  cook  in  the  palace." 

—  "  Can  the  shepherd  come  ?" 

—  "N-no,"   said  the  princess,  for  she  wished  to 
see  him  alone  on   the  hills,  —  "at  least,  he  may 
occasionally,   on  fish  days." 

—  So  the  jester  pulled  the  object  up  behind  him  on 
his  saddle,  where  it  held  on  tight,  the  fool  chuck 
ling  it  under  the  chin  every  time  he  looked  around 
to  see  if  it  was   safe,   and  the  disguised  shepherd 
whacking    him  well  when    the  old  man    got    too 
familiar. 

—  But  there  was  no  shepherd  the  next  day  on  the 
West  Hills,  nor  the  next,  nor  the  next.     Now  the 
princess  got  awfully  worried,  for  the  old  king  had 
got  tired  of  her  gallivanting  around,  and  swore  he'd 
marry  her  off  next  Friday.      "Let    'em   fight  it 
out,"   he  said,    "and  the  best  man  wins  her." 

—  Then  the  princess  runs  her  down  to  the  kitchen 


A   TELEPHONE    COURTSHIP 

But  Disappointment  kindleth  her  Wrath. 

where    the    new   cook  was    frying   honey-jumbles. 
"  When  are  you  to  be  married  ?  "  says  the  princess. 

—  "  On  Friday,  same  as  yourself,"  says  cook. 

—  "I  don't  know  about  that,"  says  the  princess. 
"  If  nobody    I    like  wins  the   tournament  I'll  fix 
it." 

—  "  How' 11  you  do  it  ?  "  says  cook. 

—  " Never  you  mind  that,"  snapped  out  the  prin 
cess.      "  I'd    like    to   know    where  that  shepherd 
of  yours  is,    that' s  all  !  " 

—  "  Oh,  you'll  see  him  at  my  wedding,  all  right," 
says  the   cook,  but  her  batch  of  jumbles  was  that 
shockingly   burned  the  hens  wouldn't  so  much  as 
peck  at  them. 

—  Every  one  went  to  the  tourney. 

—  The  princess  was  in  the  front  row. 

—  Seven  men  went  down  in  the  first  charge,  then 
five,   then  three. 

—  "It  must  be  the  green  one  who  is  the  shepherd, 
he  fights  so  badly,"   said  the  princess.      "No," 
whispered  the  maid-of-honour,     "it's    the  yellow 
one." 

—  But  the  princess  did  not  believe  her;  so,  when 
the  yellow  one  killed  the  green  man,   she  kicked 
and    screamed,    "It's    no  fair !     I  won't    marry 
him!"    and  ran  to  the  king,   bawling. 

—  "  But    you    must!"    said   the   king. 

—  "  Very  well,  then,"  says  she.      "If  he'll  give 
each  of  my  bridesmaids  a  wedding  gift  that  each 
shall    say  is  lovely,   I'll  marry   him;  but    all    the 


A   TELEPHONE    COURTSHIP 

A  Cheap  and  Obvious  Solution.  Padding. 

presents  must  be  precisely  alike."      And  she  danced 
away,   with  her  nose  turned  up. 

—  The  yellow   knight    rode  sadly    away.      When 
he  got  home,  he  took  off  his  helmet  and  scratched 
his  head.      "  Oh  —  yes  !  "  he  said  at  last. 

—  The  next  day  was    Friday,    and  the  king,   the 
princess,  and  all  the  eighteen  bridesmaids  waited  in 
the  castle  hall  from  12  till  2   P.M. 

—  At  last  in  rushed  the  yellowy  man  with  eighteen 
parcels  done  up  in  strawberry  string.      And  when 
the  bridesmaids  opened  and  looked   at  the   bundles, 
each  one  exclaimed,  "How  perfectly  lovely!  " 
— And  when    the    princess   saw    that   it   was  the 
shepherd,  she  folded  him  in  her  arms,  lengthwise, 
and  married  him  up  as  fast  as  ever  she  could,  hav 
ing  previously  dismissed  the  cunning  maid-of-honour 
who  had  recognized  him  in  the  arena.       .    .    . 

"And  the  presents?"  said  the  voice  in  the 
telephone.  "  Were  mirrors,  of  course!  "  said  I. 

"  You  can  hardly  consider  this  realism,"  the 
voice  went  on,  "  for  you  certainly  have  pursued 
a  quite  different  policy  with  me." 

"  There  is  more  than  one  way  of  killing  a  cat 
than  asphyxiating  it  in  hypofenyltrybrompropionic 
acid,"  I  remarked. 

"  According  to  the  pussy  to  be  removed  ? " 
inquired  the  voice  demurely. 

"Check!"  said  I. 

"  But  aren't  all  cats  gray  in  the  dark  ?  How 
do  you  know  ? ' ' 

52 


A    TELEPHONE    COURTSHIP 

An  Artless  Allegory  of  Little  Apples. 

"  Indeed,  I  can  describe  you  piecemeal,"  I 
asserted. 

"  Proceed,"  said  the  voice. 

"I'll  begin  with  your  eyes,"  I  said,  "to-mor 
row." 

And  as  the  next  day  she  reminded  me  of  my 
promise,  I  proceeded  with  .... 

ALL    was     disorder    in     the  J^Jj^pj-Ejft 
boudoir  of  the  Princess  Pit-    j    yy     THF 
tipums.      Pittipums  herself  was  in   TDD™Tr>T-.cc  7 

T  '  u     i-         u       TA  ixllN  \^ Hoo    T 

tears.      It  wasn  t  so  much  that  the         PTTTT 
doll  builder   had  taken  advantage  £     pry  A/TO"     i 

of  her,  —  she  could  forgive  that,   J M M J. 

perhaps,  if  she  tried  very  hard,  —  but  ft  Orion  and 
Polaris  were  missing,  and  however  should  she  find 
them  before  night  ? 

—  For  it  was  the  dainty  duty  of  Pittipums  to  polish 
up  the  stars  every  month.      So,  at  the  full  of  the 
moon,  when  there  was  a  silver  screen  before  the 
sky,  she  stood  on  the  top  of  Mount  Olympus,  and 
carefully  took  them  down  from  their  places,  and, 
wrapping  each  in  a  little  woolly  cloud,  bore  them 
to  the  seashore  and  washed  them  clean  and  bright. 

—  It  was   while  she  was  there  on  tip-toe  in  her 
green  high-heeled  shoes  that  that  bad  doll  builder 
had  come  up  behind  and  kissed  her  on  her  pretty 
pink  cheeks.      To  be  sure,  she  had  heard  him  com 
ing,  but  she  was  so  startled  that  she  had  dropped 
her  apronful  of  stars  tinkling  on  the  floor,  and  when 
she  had  returned  from  that  corner  of  the  deep  sea, 

53 


A   TELEPHONE    COURTSHIP 

A   Chef  d'  CEuvre.  Double  Entente. 

and  had  spread  all  the  wet  and  slippery  planets, 
asteroids,  and  crawling  comets  upon  her  carpet, 
two  were  gone  !  She  dared  not  tell  —  how  could 
she  explain  ? 

—  So  she  frisked  a  sparkling  sunlet  from  its  place 
away  back  in  the  sky,  in  an  old  system  so  far  away 
men  had  never  seen  it,  —  it  was  just  the  size  of 
/3  Orion.     And  she  found  two  others,  that,  tied  to 
gether  with  a  small  red  meteor,  she  put  back  for 
bright  Polaris. 

—  But  the  artful  doll  builder  took  the  two  lost  stars 
from  his  pocket  next  day,  and  snapped  them  into  a 
little  foolish  head  he  had  just  made  ;   then,  with  a 
smile,  he  set  the  darling  doll  upon  the  earth,  and  it 
went  walking  off  towards  the  West  —  and  me.    .  .  . 

"I  didn't  think  that  even  one  of  your  stories 
could  make  my  eyes  as  big  as  that,"  said  the  voice. 

"  Have  I  made  them  any  brighter  than  they 
were  ?  "  I  hazarded. 

"A  little,  perhaps,"  she  confessed.  "And 
now  for  my  lips  —  do  you  think  you  can  make 
them  smile  as  well  ? ' ' 

"To-morrow  I  will  try  it,"  I  promised. 

The  next  morning,  as  the  intrigue  was  approach 
ing  a  consummation,  the  director  came  to  me,  and 
informed  me  that  he  was  obliged  to  leave  town  for 
a  month,  and  that  the  affairs  of  the  Association 
were  to  be  left  in  my  hands  meanwhile.  "  And 
how  does  your  last  business  progress  ?  "  he  asked 
soapily. 

54 


A   TELEPHONE   COURTSHIP 

By-play.  Stabbed  with  a  Wooden  Sword. 

"Oh,  so-so,"  I  replied  blandly.  "  I  think  I 
shall  bring  it  off. ' ' 

"I  am  sure  of  it,  my  dear  boy,"  said  he; 
"but  have  you  discovered  who  she  is?" 

I  did  not  tell  him  of  my  unsuccessful  endeavours 
to  arrange  a  meeting  —  of  how  I  had  applied  to 
Vivette  to  investigate  the  case  in  secret,  and  her 
reports  of  failure.  I  had  seen  her  effect  an  entrance 
into  the  residence,  in  the  guise  of  an  applicant  for 
the  position  of  parlour-maid,  but  she  had,  she  said, 
been  refused  as  too  handsome  to  suit  the  mistress 
of  the  house. 

"Well,"  he  concluded,  "  good-by,  old  man." 
Then  by  some  chance  his  glance  fell  on  a  daguerreo 
type  of  Vivette,  and  his  flabby  yellow  cheeks  fell 
in.  "See  here,  now,"  he  grunted,  "no  fooling 
in  this  office  while  I'm  gone  !  Business  before 
pleasure,  sir  !  I  may  be  back  in  a  few  days,  any 
way."  Bah  !  —  I  could  scarce  keep  my  hands  off 
the  old  fool. 

His  insult,  however,  set  me  off  on  new  hopes 
toward  Vivette,  and  I  resolved  to  take  advantage 
of  his  absence  and  make  the  most  of  my  freedom. 
Yet,  when  I  inquired,  I  found  she  had  not  been 
seen  in  the  office  for  several  days,  and  had  said 
she  was  to  be  off  on  important  affairs.  Could 
this  have  to  do  with  the  absence  of  the  director  ? 
I  wondered,  and  fell  sick  at  the  suspicion. 

I  feared  I  should  make  sad  work  of  the  enter 
tainment  that  day,  being  out  of  spirits  and  morbid 
55 


A   TELEPHONE    COURTSHIP 

Too  many  Broths   spoil  the  Cook. 

with  the  worry.  It  was  the  day  for  the  flattery 
of  Celestine's  lips,  you  remember,  and  I  had  resolved 
to  be  audacious.  I  would  indeed  have  opened  the 
conceit  with  an  effort  and  half-heartedly  enough, 
had  not  my  mysterious  respondent  herself  put  a 
heart  into  me  with  her  guile.  For  as  I  plied  her 
curiosity,  her  reserve  broke  down  and  the  Eternal 
Feminine  asserted  herself;  she  took  up  the  personal 
aspect  of  the  affair  and  made  overhand  bids  for 
my  friendship,  keeping,  however,  her  own  person 
ality  discreetly  concealed.  I  was,  I  confess,  some 
what  embarrassed  at  first  to  satisfy  her  inquisitions, 
but  I  limned  myself  boldly  with  strong  colours  on  a 
broad  canvas,  with  high  lights  of  romantic  charac 
teristic  ;  the  figure  of  a  Raleigh  reincarnate,  capti 
vated  by  her  'spirit. 

Whether  she  had  seen,  or  felt,  rather,  that  some 
thing  had  gone  wrong  and  had  set  me  a-bragging 
to  kindle  my  daring,  or  whether  she  herself  had 
come  to  the  reckless  state,  and  was  resolved  to 
bring  things  to  a  climax  (for,  extraordinary  as  was 
the  episode,  it  should  not  flow  on  this  way  forever), 
I  don't  know.  But  her  tilting  and  my  own  blague 
fired  me  up,  and  I  steamed  into  my  fantasy.  .  .  . 

t~CHAPTERt  "  T     ^E  a  hera^  *  announce  my 

rprrp          JLrflittle  mime  —  as  tiny,   nip- 

T  ]\/r/\cr)Tjj?  t  pity*  whimsical   a  bit  of  gossamer 

I  OF  CUPIDl  as  ever  ^ry  wove  *~rom  k°ar~ 
5 M M J  frost ;  'tis  a  butterfly's  dream,  my 

dear,  and  shall  weigh  no  more  than  green  moon- 
56 


A   TELEPHONE    COURTSHIP 

I  Juggle  with  Feathers.  Biography  of  a  Kiss. 

shine.  It  has  a  plot  as  thick  as  a  spider  web,  so  I 
beg  you  breathe  not  too  hard  ;  yet  it  has  taken  the 
heart  out  of  me,  for  it  is  a  drama  to  enamour  a 
yokel  withal,  so  delicious  and  so  fantastic.  'Tis 
as  elusive  as  a  spirit,  surely,  and  evades  language 
like  the  rainbow.  But  watch  and  listen  to  the 
tinkling  overture. 

—  '«  Now  see  !  the  stage  is  set  —  a  delicate,  rosy, 
dimpling,  playground   paradise,    still   distracted   by 
some  recent  naughtiness.      A  wee  and  evanescent 
wonder  has  been  working  ;  the   weather   is  a  bit 
awry  ;  there  is  a  small  commotion  afloat  —  what  is 
it,     do    you     know,     Celestine  ?      And    first     on 
tip-toe  tripples  in  the  littlest  of  little   frowns  that 
ever  was,  a  tricksy  imp,  a  very  midget  madcap,  a 
tiny  knave  of  mischief,  ruffling,  blustering  his  dap 
perling  mimicries  across   the  stage.      And  lo  !  he 
scarce  has  time  to  dance  across  and  he  is  gone,  like 
the  cat's-paw  ripple  of  the  breeze  upon  the  lake  ; 
his  baby  frenzy  is  vanished,  and  behold,  it  was  but 
a  smile  in  masquerade  ! 

—  "And  now  this  roguish  actorling  plays  his  airs 
and    captivating    graces    in    his    own  sweet  guise. 
The  stage  twinkles  madly  with  his  follies.      It  is  a 
soap-bubble  charm  he  practises,   and  the  spell  of 
his  frivolity  has  a  magical  mystery.      But  oh  !  and 
oh  !  the  place  fills ;  a  chorus  of  laughter  has  sought 
him    out;     escape    is    hopeless  —  and    now    he's 
captured  and  he's  lost  in  the  music  of  their  shouts 
as  a  snowflake  melts  in  the  foam. 

57 


A   TELEPHONE    COURTSHIP 

A  Surprise  for  the  G.  R.,  of  course. 

—  "Ah,  now  it  grows  exciting!  —  the  climax 
approaches — watch  closely,  Celestine  ;  do  you 
know  what  is  to  happen  ?  Many  flashing  lights, 
and  a  wild,  delirious  symphony  —  look,  look  ! 
Bend  a  little  nearer,  dear,  for  the  final  rhapsody  !  " 

There  was  a  gay,  mellifluent,  rippling  crescendo 
chime  of  laughter  at  the  other  end  of  the  wire,  and 
there  was  a  flashing  wave  of  astonished  enlighten 
ment  at  this  ;  the  distance  between  us  dissolved  ; 
instinctively  I  put  out  my  hand  to  touch  her  — 
for  it  was,  it  had  been,  and  it  always  would  be 
Vivette  !  She  had,  indeed,  a  marvellous  control  over 
her  speaking  voice,  but  there  was  only  one  person 
in  the  whole  world  who  could  laugh  like  Vivette  ! 

What  a  revelation  it  was,  and  what  it  meant  to 
me, —  for  I  could  not  but  take  it  as  an  encouragement 
of  my  too  languid  suit  —  you  may  imagine.  For 
she  said  things  during  this  dialogue  that  are  a  little 
too  precious  for  me  to  repeat,  and  which,  as  I 
reviewed  them,  made  my  heart  jump  faster. 

Before  I  had  come  to  my  senses,  however,  she 
had  hung  up  her  telephone,  and  to  my  furious 
appeals  for  her  number  came  the  monotonous  whine 
from  the  Central  Office  :  "  Subscriber  called  for 
does  not  reply  —  Subscriber  called  for  does  not 
reply  —  Subscriber  called  for  does  not  reply  —  Sub 
scriber" — 


A   TELEPHONE   COURTSHIP 

"  Who  Time  trots  withal." 

SO    now  the  best  part  of  the    '  pHAPTFR-f 
story  of  my  lovering  is   told,    j  vill      VI 
I  had  wooed  her  in  the  dark,  and  f  yp   '_,„    ~~  | 
to  win  her  by  daylight  I  set  my-  TCOMPANYl 

self  in  that  next  two  weeks,  letting  + M M j 

the  business  of  the  Association  go  to  the  pups, 
hunting  her  high  and  low  over  town  and  over  the 
countryside,  up  hill  and  down  dale,  north,  south, 
west,  north-east-by-east,  hither  and  yon,  to  the 
border  and  back  again,  a  wild  chase,  tempted  here 
and  there  by  the  little  vagrom  whiffs  of  suspicion 
she  prolonged  towards  me.  She  was  here  and  she 
wasn't ;  she  had  gone  ;  she  would  be  at  Maldivers 
cross-roads  at  four  ;  she  had  been  seen  on  Echo 
street  ;  a  thousand  clews  I  traced,  and  I  seemed  to 
see  the  wave  of  her  handkerchief  disappearing 
around  each  corner  ahead.  I  found  a  mischievous 
note  in  my  box  on  Wednesday,  and  was  beckoned 
away  for  believing  it.  I  reached  the  station  as  the 
train  pulled  out,  and  behold  Vivette  (who  should 
have  been  in  my  lap  that  same  instant)  prim  and 
cool  at  the  window  of  the  third  coach  !  Elevator 
doors  would  snap  between  us,  and  one  would  be 
shot  upward,  the  other  left  to  take  root  on  the 
ground  floor.  I  cross-tagged  her,  and  she  Bo- 
Peeped  me,  and  we  pussed-in-the-corner  together  ; 
there  was  a  hot  week's  hide-and-seek,  I  tell  you, 
for  the  baggage  knew  the  town  like  a  ferret  !  It 
was  no  wild-goose  chase.  She  played  with  me  as 
a  highly  intelligent  mouse  might  with  a  cat ;  she 
59 


A   TELEPHONE    COURTSHIP 

"  I  thought  I  saw  a  Garden  Door  that  opened  with  a  Key; 

was  nimble,  she  was  spry,  she  was  acute,  —  but 
so  was  I. 

Nearer  and  nearer  ;  she  could  not  long  evade 
me,  for  I  pursued  her  relentlessly.  So  it  was  at 
last  a  marriage  by  capture,  as  in  the  prehistoric  days. 

I  cornered  her  in  the  old  grove  back  of  the  Fell- 
side  burying  ground.  She  fluttered  up  the  path 
toward  the  church,  just  as  I  hurried  betwixt  the 
tombstones.  She  dropped  her  handkerchief  as  she 
darted  off,  but  I  left  that  till  later.  And  so  it  was 
in  the  old  Moonlight  inn  that  I  caught  her  at  last, 
by  a  corner  of  the  bow-window,  in  a  rubient  glow, 
panting  with  her  run,  with  one  hand  on  her  heart 
and  her  eyes  shining.  Ah,  she  was  a  temptation 
that  morning,  and  I  was  soaring  at  a  fine  altitude 
by  this  time  !  Every  nerve  in  me  was  singing  to 
inform  me  of  the  power  of  her  presence,  for  I  was 
love-daft. 

The  Moonlight  inn,  you  must  understand,  at  that 
time  belonged  to  the  Romance  Association  ;  the  Ro 
mance  Association  practically  belonged  to  Vivette  ; 
and  by  that  evening  Vivette  belonged  to  me.  .  .  . 

As  we  came  out  of  the  Fellside  chapel  and  re 
ceived  the  congratulations  of  the  sexton  and  the 
organist,  the  rector  came  hurriedly  back  to  us. 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,  sir,  but  I  infer  that  this 
ceremony  should  not  be  allowed  to  transpire  any 
sooner  than  is  officially  necessary  ?  ' ' 

"I  should,  indeed,  prefer  announcing  it  my 
self,"  I  answered. 

60 


A   TELEPHONE   COURTSHIP 

I  looked  again  and  saw  it  was  the  Double  Rule  of  Three." 

"Very  well,  then,"  he  said,  "  I  will  give  no 
information." 

"  Have  you  been  catechised  ?  "  I  inquired. 

"  The  fact  is,"  said  he,  "  there  has  been  an  old 
gentleman  at  the  rectory  inquiring  for  a  lady 
whose  description,  I  must  confess,  tallies  very 
closely  with  the  appearance  of  this  —  that  is,  of 
Mrs. 'Richard  Redforth." 

"Has  he  a  bald  head?"  I  asked. 

"  And  a  very  mauve  face  ?  "  asked  Vivette. 

"  Does  he  wear  spectacles  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  And  waddle  ?  "  asked  Vivette. 

"  Yes,  yes,  yes,  yes,"  assented  the  rector.  "  It 
must  be  your  friend." 

It  was  a  hot  June  morning  when  the  director 
returned  ;  bad  weather  for  the  like  of  him,  for  he 
had  travelled  far  in  the  sun,  and  the  last  tug  up  the 
hill  left  him  steaming,  a  violent  violet  in  colour. 
He  could  hardly  believe  his  sense  when  he  saw 
me  in  his  throne  with  my  feet  on  his  desk.  He 
opened  his  mouth  to  speak,  but,  having  no  chance, 
by  reason  of  my  interruption,  stood  there  so,  like  a 
silly  wax -work. 

"  Your  return  is  most  unfortunate,"  said  I, 
smiling  at  his  attitude.  "  Allow  me  to  inform 
you  that  your  services  are  no  longer  needed  by  the 
Romance  Association.  I  am  now  the  director  of 
the  firm  of  Vivette  &  Company."  And  I  winked 
at  him,  then  arose  and  sent  him  twirling  downstairs. 
61 


BOOK    III 
LES   JEUNES 


LES   JEUNES 


A  Tedious  Homily  of  Love,  for  Wearied  Parishioners. 


A 


N  intelligent  office  boy  had 
been   left   in    charge  of    the       j     RACH- 
Association,    and  we  were  off  on   7  prp    AT^TV 
vacation,    living    the    life  of 


,  ER- 

tame  gold-fishes  in  the  little  town  j  RONF 
of  Maldivers  ;  for  Vivette,  having  J  __  M  __  M  __  £ 
declared  that  the  most  commonplace  Realism  would 
be  the  only  correct  diversion  for  such  a  romantic 
couple  as  we,  had  upset  all  my  plans  by  collecting 
her  properties  at  the  first  uninteresting  station  on  the 
road,  and  ended  our  wedding  trip  in  forty  minutes. 

A  week  after  the  elopement  she  drifted  into  the 
breakfast-room  with  clean,  clean  "cheeks  and  a  rose 
in  her  hair,  shimmering  cap-a-pie  in  a  June-morning 
beauty  such  that  no  susceptible  man  could  look  at 
her  with  impunity.  She  had  excited  eyes,  and  the 
anticipation  of  a  smile  coaxing  a  corner  of  her 
mouth,  and  a  gleeful  tilt  to  her  head  that  showed 
the  wind  had  veered  and  here  she  was  already  off 
on  another  reach. 

"  Do  you  know,"  she  said,  after  returning  from 
my  side  of  the  table,  "  I  haven't  had  a  letter  for 
seven  days  !  Such  a  thing  hasn't  happened  since  I 
left  boarding-school.  We  must  have  been  having 
a  ridiculously  good  time." 

"  I  thought   you  wanted  a   change,  or  I  should 
have  written  you,"  said  I. 
65 


LES   JEUNES 


Epistolary  Heresies.        When  True.  If  not,  Why  not. 

"  Oh,  don't!  "  she  cried.  "  None  of  your  one 
hundred  and  eighteen  degree  whirlwind  letters  this 
month  —  please.  You  couldn't  possibly  amuse  me 
now,  anyway,  unless  you  sent  a  nice  old 
'  Mother'  s-better-we*  re-expecting- Jim-on-Friday-do- 
tell-me-all-about-jourself  kind.  People  complain 
so  of  their  letters.  I'm  sure  I  never  got  a  stupid 
one  in  my  life.  I  suppose  romance  is  only  sub 
jective  after  all,  but  really,  Robin,  I've  been 
fairly  suffocated  with  adventure  ever  since  I  was 
born." 

"True,"  said  I;    "you  were  a  foundling." 

"  To  this  day,"  she  continued,  "I  can't  go 
down  the  street  without  seeing  a  runaway  horse  or 
a  Chinese  funeral;  it's  Fate,  Robin." 

"  And  yet  you  want  letters,  which,  while 
unopened,  are  the  most  exciting  things  in  life  — 
if  you're  sure  they  are  not  bills." 

"But  if  they  were  from  real  people,"  said 
Vivette,  musing.  "  If  I  could  get  at  their  real 
selves,  not  see  them  through  this  picturesque  haze 
that  surrounds  me,  but  know  their  true  thoughts  and 
ambitions,  read  them  in  the  original  and  not  trans 
lated  into  the  dialect  of  my  own  foolish  heart,  — 
ah,  what  delightful  Realism  that  would  be!  " 

"  Why  not  advertise  for  correspondents  in  a 
matrimonial  agency?"  I  suggested. 

Her  pensive  mood  passed  like  the  shadow  of  a 
cloud  from  a  sunny  hillside.  Before  the  words 
were  past  my  teeth  she  had  sprung  for  a  telegraph 
66 


LES   JEUNES 


A  Study  from  Life.  Ideal  Head. 

blank,  and  had  begun  to  scribble  a  description  of 
her  charms.  I  am  never  quite  so  much  in  love 
with  Vivette  as  when  she  is  writing.  The  absurd 
manner  in  which  she  holds  her  pen,  that  seems  to 
guide  rather  than  be  driven  by  her  queerly  bent 
forefinger  —  their  little  journeys  together  to  the  ink 
well,  and  hurried  scrambles  to  overtake  her  thoughts 
—  the  bewitching  attempts  of  her  pursed  lips  to 
spell  unmanageable  words  —  the  shy  recourse  to 
variorum  trials  upon  the  pad  —  her  impatient 
scuffles  with  the  pen-wiper  —  her  flirtations  with 
the  blotter,  and  a  hundred  and  thirty  other  tiny 
tricks  and  gestures,  make  Vivette' s  efforts  in  pen 
manship  a  captivating  performance.  I  ran  over  and 
kissed  the  top  of  her  head  for  her. 

"  I  don't  quite  know  how  to  describe  myself," 
she  said,  readjusting  a  little  flirt  of  brown  hair  that 
had  once  been  her  bang.  "  Of  course,  my'  fore 
head  is  nice,  and  my  eyes  are  all  right,  except 
they're  not  the  same  colour,  and  I'm  not  altogether 
ashamed  of  my  nose,"  and  she  felt  of  it  with  a 
straight  finger  thoughtfully.  "  What  do  you  think 
of  my  mouth  ?  ' ' 

"  It's  a  deal  too  pretty,"  said  I,  trying  it. 

"Would  you  say  anything  about  my  ears  ?" 
said  Vivette,  trying  to  stretch  them  a  little. 

I  began  a  little  simile,  but  she  interrupted  me. 

"  Of  course,  I  can't  put  that  in!  I  think  it  will 
have  to  go  as  it  is"  —  and  she  read  it  over,  begin 
ning  :  * 'A  sparkling,  gracile  brunette  of  twenty-three, 
67 


LES   JEUNES 


As  Ithers  see  Us.  A  Game  of  Old  Maids. 

who  might  be  the  daughter  of  D'Artagnan  and 
Little  Dorrit ;  "  and  ending:  "Object,  matri 
mony.  Address  Box  16,  Maldivers  P.  O." 

This,  with  my  own  advertisement,  which  she 
did  very  prettily  too  (writing  me  down  a  slashing 
hero  of  the  Ouida  sort),  appeared  in  the  next 
number  of  the  "  Matrimonial  Times,"  and  we 
gambled  wildly  over  the  issue  of  the  exploit.  In 
three  days  the  returns  began  to  arrive,  and  by  the 
end  of  the  week  I  had  received  forty-three  replies 
to  her  fifty-one,  but,  by  a  curious  coincidence,  we 
each  received  twenty-seven  photographs  as  enclos 
ures.  This  pleased  Vivette  hugely,  and  she 
spread  her  whole  gallery  on  the  floor  over  against 
mine,  and  contemplated  them  very  seriously.  She 
was  sitting  behind  me,  with  her  chin  on  my 
shoulder,  so  that  her  jaw  danced  with  delicious 
little  jumps  on  my  clavicle  as  she  chattered. 

"Aren't  they  amiable?"  she  said.  "Aren't 
they  easy  to  get  along  with,  though  ?  Every  one 
has  a  recommendation,  like  a  servant  girl's  refer 
ences.  Such  an  aggregation  —  all  stars,  too. 
Poor  things!  I  can't  marry  them  all,  can  I, 
Robin  ?  It's  too  bad  they  can't  be  paired  off, 
somehow.  Here's  one  who  is  'middle-aged,  not 
rich,  but,  plays  the  oboe  —  prefers  lady  with 
independent  fortune,  but  would  be  glad  to  meet 
intelligent  saleslady,  if  good-looking.'  ' 

"I  have  just    the    thing  in  my  collection,"    I 
cried.      "  Here  —  'beautiful  as  the  solar  spectrum 
68 


LES   JEUNES 


Where  Hearts  were  Trumps.  Venus  and  Adonis. 

(see  photo),  able  to  earn  her  own  living,  and 
adores  music.'  ' 

"  That  match  will  be  made  in  Maldivers,  if 
not  in  heaven;  try  the  next  one,"  and  Vivette 
set  the  two  together. 

All  that  night  we  wrangled  over  our  puppets, 
casting  up  their  temperaments,  qualities,  and  moral 
assets,  and  balancing  one  characteristic  and  another 
with  a  minuteness  and  intimacy  that  kept  us  a-shriek 
with  gayety,  till  twenty-six  amourous  couples  had 
been  paired  off,  and  their  letters  appropriately 
re-addressed.  Thus  were  the  loose  strings  of 
destiny  tied  up  in  Maldivers  that  night,  by  Robin 
Redforth  and  a  very  mad  and  pink  young  lady, 
with  her  hair  careering  around  her  and  hands  not 
quite  too  clean,  by  six  o'clock. 

There  remained  two  photographs,  however,  at 
the  end  of  the  game,  that  neither  of  us  was  con 
tent  to  assign  together.  Mine,  the  sender  claimed, 
was  a  presentment  of  the  features  of  Miss  Alicia 
Featherbone,  and  this,  with  the  verbal  description 
of  her  mental  attributes,  was  so  bewildering  a 
revelation  of  feminine  transcendence  that  I  could 
by  no  means  feel  that  Mr.  Rachet  was  worthy  of 
her. 

Arthur  Ragelsburg  Rachet,  Vivette's  pet  corre 
spondent,  had  what  she  approvingly  called  a 
"stunning  head  ;  "  and,  though  I  had  my  own 
reasons  for  not  being  jealous,  yet  her  barefaced 
worship  of  this  pseudo  Adonis  aroused  me  to  retalia- 
69 


LES   JEUNES 


Rachet.  Rachet.  Rachet.  Rachet. 

tion,  and  I  embarked  in  a  reckless  eulogy  of  Miss 
Featherbone.  Before  long,  we  were  in  a  fair  way 
to  quarrel  over  the  mesalliance.  I  say  "quarrel ;  " 
but,  of  course,  no  one  can  really  quarrel  with 
Vivette — one  is  too  much  interested  in  tempting 
the  bewitching  smile  that  flickers  in  her  eyes  and 
catches  her  lips,  when  the  current  of  humour  swirls  ; 
and  if  her  mood  falls  into  a  demure  quietude,  that 
registers  the  minimum  degree  of  vitesse  consistent 
with  her  temperament  ;  and,  though  I  have  seen 
her  serious,  it  has  never  been  my  provoking,  I 
assure  you.  But  what  was  I  saying  ?  We  played 
at  cross-purposes,  for  the  novelty  of  the  thing 
(what  would  we  not  do  for  a  new  sensation!),  and 
with  Rachet  as  a  war-cry,  she  whirled  into  a 
fantastic  sortie  upon  my  pretended  jealousy. 

I  fell  fairly  ill  of  the  name  of  Rachet,  which 
she  flung  at  me  edgewise  through  the  open  door 
as  she  left  me  and  twittered  through  the  keyhole 
before  she  entered.  She  sang,  "  Thou  art  my 
Rachet,  believe  me  ;  promise  thou  ne'er  wilt 
deceive  me"  —  with  superlative  variations.  She 
named  the  cat  "  Rachet,"  and  she  bribed  the  wait 
ress  to  ask  every  morning,  "  Will  you  have  Rachet 
and  eggs,  or  beefsteak  ?  "  She  gave  remarkable 
imitations  of  the  name  with  a  huge  watchman's 
rattle.  She  wrote  RACHET  on  the  mirror  with 
soap. 

I  bore  it  all  meekly,  being  more  amused  than  I 
pretended.  It  is  one  of  our  rules  that  you  mustn't 
70 


LES   JEUNES 


We  move  into  Glass  Houses  and  throw  Stones. 

return  pie  in  the  same  dish,  so  I  was  unable  to  re 
tort  similarly ;  but  I  was  indefatigable  in  my 
visible  adoration  of  Miss  Featherbone's  portrait, 
and  her  name  lending  itself  to  symbolical  repre 
sentation,  I  adorned  my  hat  with  chicken  feathers 
and  wishbones,  and  flaunted  the  tokens  before  her 
rival. 

After  several  days  of  the  farce,  Vivette  proposed 
a  return  to  the  city.  I  was  awaiting  this,  and  had 
my  traps  set  and  baited  with  Rachet's  address. 

We  were  in  town  forthwith,  and  at  our  luncheon 
in  the  Lark  caf^,  Vivette,  around  a  corner  of  the 
table,  in  a  wicked  little  bonnet  of  her  own  fabrica 
tion,  manoeuvered  the  conversation  in  an  overt 
attempt  to  incite  my  curiosity. 

"  Where  is  Fancy  lane  ?  "  she  asked. 

43  Fancy  lane  was  the  alleged  residence  of 
Mr.  Rachet. 

"It's  out  by  the  Conservatory  of  Music,"  I 
replied;  "a  small  house  on  the  corner  opposite 
the  cemetery.'' 

"Why,  how  do  you  know?  "  said  Vivette. 

"  I've  known  Arthur  Rachet  all  my  life,"  said  I. 

"You're  a  horrid  thing  —  you  and  your  old 
Featherbone  !  "  said  Vivette.  "I  don't  believe 
you." 

"  She  is  not  old,"  I  exclaimed.  "  She  is  only 
'  nineteen,  has  the  complexion  of  an  infant,  and  can 
speak  French.'  I  hope  she  has  better  manners  than 
yours.  I  shall  call  and  see  this  very  afternoon." 


LES   JEUNES 


I  discover  my  Doll  to  be  stuffed  with  Sawdust. 

"  Go  along  !  —  I  shall  be  busy  myself  "  — 
said  Vivette,  out  of  the  side  of  her  mouth. 

f(  Where  are  you  going  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  Confess  you're  jealous  !  "  she  pouted. 

"Indeed  I  am,"  I  said,  and  Vivette  was  her 
self  again.  She  gave  me  a  comfortable  demonstra 
tion,  and  left  me,  saying  :  "  Farewell  !  I  shall 
see  you  at  dinner  time." 

I  was  so  sure  of  it  that  I  had  ordered  it  pre 
pared  at  43  Fancy  lane,  which,  it  is  time  to 
confess,  had  long  been  a  property  of  mine  —  a 
haunt  in  the  old  days  when  I  was  beginning  to 
make  my  reputation  in  the  Romance  Association 
and  had  many  an  out-of-the-way  rendezvous. 

I  must  confess,  too,  that  I  had  spent  several 
hours  in  an  ineffectual  search  for  Miss  Feather- 
bone,  who  had,  it  seemed,  sent  me  a  false  ad 
dress, —  and  though  I  shouldn't  have  minded 
describing  the  visit  to  Vivette  if  it  had  been  suc 
cessful,  yet  I  felt  very  young  at  the  prospect  of 
telling  her  how  I  had  been  swindled,  though  I  had 
no  suspicion  of  her  hand  in  the  game. 

I  got  to  my  house  none  too  soon  ;  for,  as  I 
pulled  up  the  front  shades,  and  gave  my  instruc 
tions  to  Jacob,  I  saw  a  familiar  little  figure  coming 
up  the  walk,  and  curiously  reconnoitering  the  porch 
for  the  number. 

Jacob  met  her  at  the  door,  and,  from  my  coign, 
I  heard  an  elaborate  colloquy  in  the  hall.      After  a 
few  moments  he  came  to  me,  and  said  : 
72 


LES  JEUNES 


Four  can  Play  at  that  Game.  Next  Day. 

"  It  can't  be  the  lady  you're  expecting  at  all, 
sir.  She  wants  to  see  Mr.  Rachet  all  right,  and 
made  out  she  wanted  to  sell  him  some  scented 
soap,  sir.  But  here's  the  name,  sir;  and  what 
shall  I  say?" 

And  Jacob  handed  me  a  card,  on  which  was 
engraved  : 


Miss  FEATHERBONE, 
43   FANCY  LANE. 


And  Vivette,  dimpling  gayly,  entered  and  com 
pleted  the  partie  carree,  giving  me  a  quartette  of 
kisses  :  one  for  herself  and  one  for  Miss  Feather- 
bone  to  me,  and  two  from  the  same  vivacious  pair 
for  Arthur  Ragelsburg  Rachet 

BE  L  L  B I R  D '  S  Ferrotyping  - cfiXFTERf 
Gallery  was  down  on  the        jj     crip 
lower  part  of  Echo  street,  oppo-  T  /-TTQQr»D^  i 

•        i       TVI  I'll  T    ^-- -tj  ^  O  v-J  iv  o    T 

site  the  rlaza,  which  then,  as  now,      ^r^    T>C-T  T 

was  the  headquarters  of  the  float-   f       T>Tm-»       T 

i         i       i          i      /•     i  1          DlKJJ  I 

ing  brotherhood  of  the  town,  —  5 M M J 

loungers  of  all  nationalities,  —  flotsam  of  the  sea 
of  fortune  cast  up  high  and  dry  upon  the  shores 
of  Vagabondia.  Bellbird's  parlours  were  at  the 
top  of  a  steep  and  dusky  staircase  where  one  was 
ambuscaded  by  the  likenesses  of  a  half-thousand 
73 


LES   JEUNES 


We  make  Faces  at  the  Town. 


whilom  patrons  of  the  shop,  and  on  the  third  floor 
was  the  gallery  proper,  with  its  skylight  and  all 
the  appointments  of  a  fifth-class  studio.  Here 
Vivette  and  I  spent  as  much  of  our  time  as  was 
not  lent  to  the  waiting  customers  of  the  place. 

It  was  a  queer  honeymoon  we  were  playing  at, 
but  Vivette  was  as  happy  as  a  four-year-old,  from 
the  day  the  tintypes  in  the  doorway  first  invited 
us  inside.  We  had  passed  the  place  the  second 
day  up  from  Maldivers,  and  had  returned  to  it, 
swung  back  like  a  pendulum,  attracted  by  the 
quiet  and  shadowy  countenance  of  the  shop  front. 
It  was  the  place  of  a  million  places  to  lie  incog 
nito,  hid  in  the  bigness  of  the  town,  and 
Vivette  and  I  caught  hands,  hopped  upstairs,  and 
bargained  old  Bellbird  out  of  his  domicile  post 
haste.  To  be  sure  I  knew  none  too  much  of 
photography  with  wet  plates,  —  though  old  Bellbird 
wrote  it  all  down  for  me  when  we  rented  the 
place,  —  but  our  patients  were  complaisant,  and 
as  long  as  they  could  wear  the  old  plug  hats  in  the 
studio  and  make  fools  of  themselves  in  boats  and 
cottage  windows  according  to  the  traditions  of  the 
craft,  they  were  happy ;  and  with  Vivette  in  the 
room  below,  to  paint  their  cheeks  pink  and  com 
pliment  their  expressions,  they  went  away  satis 
fied. 

As  Vivette  said  she  had  never  found  a  photog 
rapher  she  could  bully  till  now,  I  spent  the  most 
of  my  spare  time  focusing  her  and  developing  her 
74 


LES   JEUNES 


Vivette  Poses.  Vivette  Reposes.        Vivette  Supposes. 

and  printing  her,  for  her  appetite  for  ferrotypes  was 
gluttonous.  She  was  taken  like  the  genie  emerg 
ing  from  the  barrel,  rapidly  changing  her  position 
every  ten  seconds,  so  that  she  appeared  in  the  re 
sult  like  an  elongated  Goop  ;  she  sat  in  state  and 
managed  herself  so  that  she  had  six  arms  in  the 
picture,  like  Vishnu.  She  held  up  one  foot  to 
simulate  one-leggedness  ;  she  solicited  alms  with  an 
"/  am  blind "'  sign  (which  we  found  had  to  be 
printed  backwards)  ;  she  passed  like  a  ghost  across 
the  plate  ;  she  accomplished  a  Bluebeard  sensa 
tion  with  a  decapitated  head  effect  ;  she  fashioned 
outr&  wall-paper  costumes  for  Beardsley  poses  ;  she 
attempted  double  and  treble  exposures  ;  she  melted 
and  distorted  films ;  and  indulged  in  an  hundred 
caprices  that  I  have  now  forgotten. 

After  her  ardour  cooled,  and  two  show-cases 
were  filled  with  the  Vivettographs,  we  spent  the 
hours  of  the  day  when  business  was  slack  sitting 
in  the  window  that  gave  on  the  Plaza,  watching 
the  loungers  on  the  benches  opposite.  Before  the 
week  was  dead,  Vivette  had  given  them  all  fanci 
ful  names,  and  had  created  their  histories  from  their 
tatters  and  poses,  prattling  the  gossip  of  the  square 
every  evening  at  dinner.  There  were  two  whom 
she  had  been  wont  to  call  Dot  and  Period,  whose 
affairs  interested  us  most,  and  our  curiosity  grew 
daily,  fed  by  the  seeming  unreasonableness  of  their 
existence.  At  last,  having  made  over  their  story 
so  often  to  fit  their  eccentric  conduct  that  the  tale 
75 


LES   JEUNES 


Two  Bad! 


was  worn  to  rags,  Vivette  announced  that  she  was 
going  to  invite  them  into  the  parlour  and  hear  the 
truth  from  their  own  lips,  and  she  was  downstairs 
and  into  the  Plaza  forthwith. 

She  easily  seduced  them  with  a  promise  of  a 
dinner  to  the  best  story,  and  in  they  shambled  after 
her,  two  as  rakish  birds  as  one  could  catch  of  a 
Saturday  afternoon.  Yet  there  was  a  difference,  as 
I  saw  from  afar,  — for  Dot  was  vagabond  born,  a 
seedling  type,  while  there  was  a  trace  of  good 
stock  in  Period,  to  which  his  disrepute  had  been 
grafted.  He  had  a  knowing  air,  too,  and  in  his 
flabbed  cheeks  something  remained  of  an  expression 
that  puzzled  me.  I  saw  Vivette's  brows  pucker 
also,  and  she  pinched  my  hand  furtively  as  if  some 
scandal  were  up,  but  she  bade  them  proceed,  and 
settled  herself  to  enjoy  the  narrative.  Poor  Dot 
contented  himself  with  the  professional  mendication 
—  a  fiction  of  sick  wives  and  starving  children,  no 
work  and  hard  luck,  to  suit  the  taste  of  the 
listener  ;  for  all  of  this,  Vivette  marked  him  a 
"  3  "  on  a  card. 

Not  so  Period  !  As  soon  as  he  cleared  his 
throat  I  jumped,  and  Vivette  dropped  her  pencil, 
for  before  he  had  spoken  we  knew  it  was  our  old 
director  !  He  was  a  very  caricature  of  his  former 
self;  mischance  had  rioted  with  his  features,  but 
he  was  a  wad  of  vanity  still  —  though,  as  he 
plunged  into  his  recital,  a  touch  of  the  old  manner 
graced  him.  It  was  a  clever  tale  he  gave  us,  but 
76 


LES   JEUNES 


Little  Tommy  Tucker.  A  Rhetorical  Period. 

it  was  not  his  own,  as  Vivette  knew  well,  for  he 
was  but  a  figure-head  to  the  Romance  Association 
in  the  old  days,  and  she  had  been  a  gold  mine  to 
him,  with  her  contagious  wit  and  her  inexhaustible 
imagination.  We  let  him  tell  the  story  with  his 
own  poor  embroideries  to  the  last  word,  for  it  was 
a  stiff  situation  between  us,  neither  caring  to  be 
the  first  to  revive  our  quondam  fellowship.  His 
eyes  quested  the  room  as  he  talked,  with  an  inde 
cent  inquisition  —  it  was  evident  he  could  not 
quite  fathom  our  game,  though  he  was  victim  to  a 
mighty  curiosity  anent  our  roles.  He  finished  at 
last  rather  sillily,  —  it  was  trying  for  all  but  Dot, 
who  was  clean  over  his  head  in  mysteries,  and  out 
of  a  good  dinner  into  the  bargain  (had  not  Vivette 
stealthily  comforted  his  pique),  —  and  the  two 
wrecks  drifted  out  at  last,  much  to  our  relief. 

And  before  we  could  recover  ourselves  from  the 
shock,  the  door  sprang  open  again,  and  who  should 
enter  but  Leander,  the  office-boy,  with  his  alder- 
liefest  sweetheart  !  He  was  gagged  with  con 
fusion  when  he  saw  us,  for  he  had  no  ken  of  our 
whereabouts,  but  he  mastered  himself  with  an  effort, 
and  fell  at  once  to  business,  with  never  a  word  to 
show  he  knew  us.  He  was  something  to  wonder 
at,  in  his  Saturday  afternoon  attire  ;  there  was  not 
a  spot  on  him  anywhere  —  he  didn't  even  toe  in, 
and  his  proprietorship  of  that  young  lady  was  evident 
even  in  the  tintype  he  secured.  And  she  was  a 
thing  of  curves,  and  curls,  and  dimples,  put  up 
77 


LES   JEUNES 


Not  "the  Hard-boiled  Poses  of  Photograph." 

without  regard  to  man's  susceptibility.  Ohd  !  She 
was  point-devise :  —  beautiful  as  a  rich  orphan, 
and  scarce  turned  eighteen.  If  I  had  not  been 
girl-proof  at  last,  I  would  have  made  a  meal  of  the 
boy  and  kidnapped  her  before  the  clock  struck. 

I  was  a  little  afraid  he  would  weaken  when  we 
were  alone,  while  the  girl  made  a  few  unnecessary 
changes  in  her  hair  under  Vivette' s  gay  chaperon- 
age,  but  he  stood  by  his  guns  and  treated  me  cava 
lierly  enough,  criticising  the  scenery  and  furniture. 
He  would  have  no  pitchforks  in  his  hair,  not  he,  — 
a  plain  background  and  a  natural  pose,  —  he  would 
do  the  grouping  himself.  And  he  did  it,  too,  while 
I  was  in  the  dark  room,  though  his  best  poses  I 
never  developed.  I  never  caught  him  at  it,  though 
he  was  in  such  a  mad-mannered  mood  that  I  knew 
something  was  happening ;  but  Vivette,  who  had 
crept  upstairs  to  see  the  fun,  retired  in  confusion 
when  she  discovered  how  intimate  they  were.  She 
said  afterward  that  she  thought  he  was  a  nice  enough 
young  man,  but  he  was  more  dangerous  when 
aroused  than  she  had  given  him  credit  for. 

They  left  us  at  last,  the  boy  with  a  smile,  for  he 
saw  his  tact  in  not  recognizing  us  had  pleased  our 
fancy,  the  girl  with  her  eyes  too  full  of  him  to  realize 
the  situation,  and  we  heard  her  foolishness  echoing 
down  the  stair.  It  was  but  the  reflection  of  our 
own  beatitude  ! 

And  then  Vivette  fell  a-musing  over  the  day's 
adventures,  and  we  talked  over  the  appearance  of  the 
78 


LES   JEUNES 


The  End  of  the  Honeymoon.  The  Minor  Chord. 

old  director.  "'Tis  bad  luck,  Robin,"  she  said; 
"he  owes  us  a  grudge,  and  now  that  he  knows  we 
are  away  from  the  office,  I  am  a  little  afraid  of  him. 
What  if  he  knew  all  the  other  stories  in  the  Memoirs  ! 
Now  he  knows  how  to  use  them,  none  of  our  se 
crets  are  safe.  Robin,  our  honeymoon  is  over  !  ' ' 
And  so,  hatting  herself  as  she  spoke,  she  threw  a  kiss 
at  her  own  pictures  in  the  showcase,  then  hurried 
me  down-stairs  and  into  a  cab  on  the  corner. 

It  was,  indeed,  none  too  soon  !  As  we  reached 
the  Romance  Building  the  girl  came  scrambling 
down  the  stairs,  all  but  disjointed  with  her  haste. 
Every  hairpin  was  gone,  but  she  was  still  beautiful. 
"  Hurry  !  —  the  director  !  "  she  gasped.  And 
when  I  arrived,  there  he  was,  scuffling,  with  the 
office-boy  at  his  throat,  for  the  fifth  volume  of  our 
Memoirs. 

PTWITHSTANDING 

the   absorbing  interest   V  i- 
vette  took  in  the  management  of        j  J-.  . 
the    Romance    Association,    she       rpry^.  A'TTT  v 
had  often  urged  to  me  the  neces-     y      AT/XTF)      "f 

sity  of  combining  with  the  major    £ h  H H  H £ 

course  of  action,  an  avocation  in  which  we  could 
refresh  our  minds  after  the  fatiguing  demands  of 
our  profession.  For,  varied  and  exciting  as  were 
our  adventures,  there  was  at  times  a  disagreeable 
sense  of  routine  in  the  affairs  of  the  office  that 
forced  our  minds  toward  the  most  vulgar  and  com 
monplace  realism  for  a  brief  relaxation. 
79 


LES   JEUNES 


The  Editor's  Regrets.  Mental  Chemistry. 

I  had,  indeed,  long  suspected  Vivette  of  clandes 
tine  correspondence  with  the  dynasty  of  magazine 
editors  that  then  held  sway  in  the  world  of  letters, 
and  more  than  once  I  had  noticed,  amidst  the 
unopened  mail  upon  her  table,  some  particularly 
corpulent  envelope  transversely  creased,  that  I  was 
sure  contained  disagreeable  news.  I  was  of  course 
too  discreet  to  mention  these  unfortunate  episodes. 
I  had  known,  myself,  in  my  sanguine  youth,  the 
strangling  shame  that  these  replies  must  bring, 
the  crushing  shock  to  one's  vanity,  the  haggard 
endeavor  to  conceal  the  knowledge  of  the  defeat 
even  from  one's  self;  the  effort  to  forget,  and  the 
slow  retreat  of  memory,  ever  turning  back  to 
charge  and  trap  one's  conscious  blushes  once  more 
before  it  disappeared. 

And  so  one  day,  while  we  were  looking  over  an 
old  book  of  Elizabethan  songs,  a  stanza  smote  us 
from  the  page  with  an  idea  that  made  us  gasp. 

"  Now  all  ye  Gallants  of  the  Towne 
What  would  ye  care  for  Wine, 
If  you  could  bear  my  Milkmaide  browne 
A-singing  by  the  kyne  !  ' ' 

The  literary  ambitions  we  had  both  held  in  solu 
tion,  growing  stronger  every  day,  now  at  this  hint 
precipitated  an  idea  that  crystallized  into  a  definite 
plan  almost  before  we  spoke:  "  Phyllida,  or  the 
Milkmaid, "  —  a  new  magazine  published  by  Vi 
vette  &  Compajny  !  Like  a  storm  the  scheme  in  all 
80 


LES   JEUNES 


Laugh,  and  the  World  laughs  at  You. 

was  the  disposition  of  "The  Milkmaid."  I  was 
put  to  it  to  devise  some  graceful  exit  for  the 
paper,  but  it  was  accomplished  with  eclat  by 
marrying  her  to  "The  Ego,"  one  of  her  most 
prosperous  rivals,  and  the  editor  of  that  magazine 
was  laden  with  our  good-will  and  "The  Milk 
maid's  "  accepted  manuscripts. 

WE  must  start  it  with  a     fc^ffgjfjf 
jounce,"    said  Vivette.          Jy       LA 
"  We  must  show  them  how  !  Oh,     t         '™,        j: 
my  dear,  I   haven't  half  finished  , 

with    this    town    yet  —  they're     J ^ M j 

only  partly  awake.  Now,  how  shall  we  introduce 
the  « Revue  Jeune  '  ?  Shall  we  try  the  square  bal 
loons  ?"  Vivette  was  an  advertiser  for  blood. 
Her  idea  was  to  anchor  to  roof-tops,  all  over  the 
city,  huge  cubical  balloons  painted  with  appropri 
ate  mottoes  and  legends.  She  had  written  many 
nonsense  verses  calling  attention  to  the  paper,  in  an 
amusing,  if  not  an  especially  dignified  way. 

"  /  never  read  the  'Revue  Jeune ^ 

I  never  care  to  read  it ; 
But  if  I  live  its  wit  to  learn, 

Then,  Lord,  bow  I  shall  need  it!  " 

"Well,"  said  Vivette,  "if  that  is  too  raw, 
suppose  we  try  the  college-yell  system. ' '  She  had 
often  wanted  to  try  this  pet  scheme.  But  I  had 
been  a  college  man  myself,  and  the  idea  of  paying 
long-haired  youths  to  yell, 
85 


LES   JEUNES 


Going.  Going.  Gone  ! 

"  Re-v ue  Jeune! —  Re-vue  Jeune  ! 

Try  it !  —  Buy  it !  —  Wit  to  burn  !  ' ' 

on  every  street  corner,  set  my  teeth  on  edge. 

So  at  last  we  compromised  on  what  was  not 
only  a  more  radical  but  a  more  artistic  and  dra 
matic  method,  and,  the  details  and  accessories 
arranged,  we  adventured  jocundly  into  town. 

There  was  not  the  least  doubt  in  my  mind  that 
Vivette's  scheme  would  succeed  if  she  essayed  it, 
though  I  knew  she  needed  my  incredulity  to  goad 
her  into  the  verve  necessary  to  carry  it  off  —  for 
I  knew  my  Millamours,  loved  it  and  feared  it. 

We  got  to  Swain  street  corner  early  in  the  after 
noon,  and  by  Vivette's  own  luck  there  was  a 
knot  of  newsboys  by  the  church  steps,  all  ready 
for  what  sport  fate  or  the  Old  Boy  himself  should 
offer.  There  was  a  Marrion  avenue  car  there, 
hanging  fire,  awaiting  the  starter's  whistle,  with 
the  conductor  astern,  nursing  his  watch.  I  held 
the  valise  ready,  and  just  as  the  two-bells  rang  we 
boarded  clumsily,  delaying  the  car  as  much  as  pos 
sible  to  get  a  clear  track  ahead  for  the  race. 

"  Now!"  whispered  Vivette  excitedly,  and  she 
flung  a  handful  of  coppers  fair  and  straight  at  the 
boys  on  the  curb.  There  was  a  jolly  jingle  of 
falling  coins  on  the  bricks,  a  shrill  echo  of  ecstatic 
voices,  and  a  vicious  scramble  of  intermingled  limbs. 
As  the  car  pulled  away  with  a  jerk,  Vivette,  cling 
ing  to  the  rail,  aimed  a  bunch  of  nickels  at  the 
86 


LES   JEUNES 


Dime  flies.  After  me,  the  Deluge! 

group  waiting  for  the  depot  cars,  and  the  crowd 
closed  around  the  largess.  A  few  on  the  outside 
caught  view  of  the  mad  pair  of  us  on  the  rear 
platform ;  there  was  a  yell  from  some  of  the 
men-folk,  and  a  few  started  after  us,  but  wavered, 
fearful  of  a  hoax. 

"Quick!"  cried  Vivette ;  "the  silver,  or  I 
can't  hold  them  !  "  I  passed  out  the  small  rolls, 
and  she  sent  dimes  and  quarters  wide-cast  into 
the  passers-by.  Then  the  crowd  broke  and  ran ; 
men's  pride  fell  off  them  with  their  hats ;  the 
hunt  was  up.  I  conjured  the  conductor  and  trol 
ley-man  with  seductive  silver,  while  Vivette  hung 
there  reeling  by  the  brake-crank,  her  cheeks  aglow 
and  her  hat  tilted,  baiting  the  mob  that  closed  in 
after  the  car,  streaming  from  the  sidewalk  and  the 
mall  in  a  long  V  :  men,  women,  children,  boys, 
girls,  and  yellow  dogs.  There  arose  a  murmur 
among  the  throng  of  wayfarers,  the  outside  strug- 
glers  took  up  the  note,  and  the  riotous  in-fighters, 
crawling,  sprawling,  mob-tossed  and  abandoned, 
swelled  the  babel  to  a  yelping  falsetto. 

Conspicuous  amongst  the  agonists  there  was  one 
maniac  that  was  hurtled  forth  and  back,  frenzied  and 
yelping  mad  in  that  human  deluge.  His  red  face 
was  cast  like  a  spark  to  and  fro  in  the  ruck  of  the 
charge,  and  at  last,  swung  up  against  the  dash 
board  of  the  car,  we  saw  his  goggling  eyes  and  writh 
ing  mouth  expostulating  with  an  infinite  hopeless 
ness  against  the  riot.  It  was  the  director!  If  you 
87 


LES   JEUNES 


The  Hysterical  Hegira  of  a  Maiden  Mirth-inspirer. 

have  ever  sat  on  the  rocks  by  the  seashore  and 
watched  the  breakers  romp  in  upon  the  beach,  the 
foaming  lines  piling  over  each  other's  heads  like 
wolf  packs,  swept  back,  swirling,  by  the  undertow, 
charging,  tumbling,  roaring  in  and  in  again,  you 
may,  perhaps,  imagine  the  fury  and  insane  excite 
ment  of  that  mob.  If  at  the  same  shore  you  have 
seen  a  bottle,  harried  and  chivied  by  the  white- 
capped  rollers,  surge-twirled,  shot  along  the  crests 
and  floundering  in  the  trough  of  the  waves,  you 
may  be  able  to  imagine  the  man -handling  the  poor 
ex-director  received.  And  as  he  was  expressed 
up  from  the  horde  to  an  hearable  propinquity,  his 
voice  hovered  like  a  raucous  bark  over  the  spume  of 
the  chaos.  "  It's  a  fake  /  "  he  yelled.  "  It's  a 
fake!  "  and  he  grabbed  wildly  for  the  sailing  coins 
that  still  spattered  the  air  behind  us  like  a  silvern 
wake. 

By  this  time  we  were  well  down  by  the  turn, 
and  the  side  streets  poured  armies  of  jumping  vol 
unteers  into  the  rout  in  our  wake.  There  was  a 
bobbling  river  of  heads  as  far  as  the  eye  could 
stretch  ;  the  park  was  swept  with  a  lively  flank 
movement  of  battalions  trying  to  cut  around  ahead 
of  the  flying  car  ;  staid  citizens  were  leaping  from 
second-story  windows  ;  Millamours  was  emptying 
her  population  into  Old  Runway  road  like  an  ebb 
tide  in  a  racing  channel.  It  was  silver-dollar  time 
by  Vivette's  clock,  and  she  flew  them  right  and  left, 
and  up  into  the  air. 


LES   JEUNES 


The  Mania  of  a  Multitude  is  swallowed  up  in  Stultitude. 

As  we  swung  into  Lark  street,  we  saw  the 
hordes  of  gallopers  swarming  through  the  deer- 
park  and  burying-ground  to  head  us  off,  and  so  at 
last  we  were  fairly  hemmed  in  at  the  depot,  and 
became  the  still  centre  of  a  circling  human  cyclone. 
And  then  we  attacked  them  with  the  "  Revue 
Jeune  ' '  greenbacks,  and  fed  that  mob  with  decadent 
advertising  matter  till  the  edition  was  exhausted  ; 
an  hundred  thousand  notes  were  pocketed  in  that 
silly  city  before  the  crowd  smelled  our  game. 
But  before  the  fire-bells  had  ceased  ringing,  and  by 
the  time  the  patrol  wagons,  engines,  and  ladder 
companies  defiled  into  Marrion  avenue,  the  four 
hundred  thousand  beggars  had  faded  away  like  an 
August  snow,  yet  not  one  of  them  but  had  discov 
ered  that  a  new  journal  had  been  started  in  Milla- 
mours. 

The  coast  thus  cleared,  "  La  Revue  Jeune  "  gath 
ered  itself  together  for  a  leap  into  popularity.  It 
was  a  cunning  sheet,  coffee-dyed  with  age,  adorned 
with  Bewick  cuts.  Such  causer ie  !  —  such  reviews  ! 
lithe  and  sinewy  comment  —  gossipy  chatter ; 
there  was  meat  on  the  bones  of  "  La  Revue  Jeune." 
It  was  ushered  into  the  company  of  the  select,  too, 
by  many  new-made  friends  —  stars  of  the  first 
magnitude  they,  who  had  praised  "  The  Milk 
maid,"  and  vouched  for  the  new  essay  with  the 
pride  of  the  discoverers  of  youthful  genius. 

With  Vivette  as  hostess  of  the  salon  we  held  at 
the  editorial  rooms  in  after  weeks,  we  held  our- 
89 


LES   JEUNES 


A  Makeless  Sweven  that  Miswent. 


selves  well  balanced  on  the  perch  of  prominence, 
and  a  card  to  a  "Jeune  Sunday  "  has  made  many 
a  minor  poet.  Now,  what  ill  wind  blew  Vivette 
away  from  these  giddy  successes  I  can't  remember, 
but  the  Association  claimed  her  services  impera 
tively  soon  after  the  "Revue"  was  well  under 
way,  and  she  disappeared  for  a  month.  The  intelli 
gent  office-boy  took  her  place.  He  was  a  demon 
on  circulation,  and  rushed  the  "Revue"  into  the 
trades-world,  damning  it  in  an  afternoon. 

"  One  really  didn't  enjoy  seeing  one's  (  Revue  ' 
in  one's  kitchen,"  said  a  contributor  to  me.  "  If 
one's  cook  could  enjoy  one's  articles,  and  that  sort 
of  thing,  —  one  really  —  you  know  !  ' ' 

Interest  in  the  "Revue"  had  dropped  out  of 
sight  when  Vivette  returned,  and  she  was  indignant 
at  the  management.  "  To  think  we  should  fail 
like  that,  after  'The  Milkmaid,'"  she  said. 
"  There  is  but  one  thing  to  do  to  retrieve  our 
reputation.  Robin  —  I  have  the  very  idea." 

"  A  new  paper  ?  "  said  I,  growing  old. 

"  What  else  ? ' '  she  replied.  "  <  The  Milkmaid  ' 
and  the  «  Revue  Jeune  '  were  mere  toys  to  this. 
Listen  to  the  announcement  :  The  firm  of  Vivette 
&  Company  will  shortly  bring  out  a  new  periodical 
that  will  be  to  the  flood  of  banal  imitations  of  their 
famous  '  MILKMAID  '  as  chess  is  to  tit-tat-toe.  This 
new  venture — «  THE  ANTHROPOPHAGIAN  ' — will  be 
printed  on  real  sheepskin  rolls  set  from  types  cut  to  the 
faces  of  the  eighth  century  Irish  minis cules  " — 
90 


LES   JEUNES 


The  Power  behind  the  Thrown. 


Here  we  were  interrupted  by  the  entrance  of  the 
office-boy.  *'  I  am  sorry  to  say  we  are  short 
six  hundred  and  seventy-two  dollars,  sir,  and  the 
force  must  be  paid  off  to-night  ;  the  adventuresses 
are  quite  impatient." 

"  Is  the  Association  insolvent,"  I  asked 
fiercely,  "  that  you  come  to  me  for  a  paltry 
six  hundred  and  seventy-two  dollars  ?  " 

"  We  cleared  more  than  that  in  '  The  Milk 
maid,'  "  interposed  Vivette  kindly. 

"  And  sank  it  in  the  '  Young  Review  '  !  "  said  I. 

The  office-boy  drew  himself  up  with  a  touch  of 
pride.  "It  is  precisely  the  amount  I  spent  buying 
up  first  copies  of  '  The  Milkmaid, '  while  I  was 
acting  manager  of  the  Romance  Association.  For 
give  me,  sir ;  in  that  capacity  I  felt  justified  in 
furthering  your  game  at  trade  rates,  but  now  I 
have  the  honour  of  informing  you  that  I  have  by 
the  investment,  owing  to  the  advance  in  price  of 
'  Milkmaids'  No.  I,  made  a  profit  of  four  hun 
dred  per  cent,  for  the  Association." 

Vivette  burst  into  tears  of  laughter  :  "  You  shall 
be  made  2jth  Assistant  Deputy  Sub-Manager," 
she  said,  "  but  you  have  killed  *  The  Anthropo- 
phagian'!  " 

BEYOND     the  Plaza,   on     a 
little      thoroughfare       that, 
crossing     Echo    street,    traverses     T 
the  Latin  Quarter  and  climbs  the  ^ 

hill,  stands  the  Apollo  Theatre,  a 


LES   JEUNES 


A  little  Experiment  in  Sociology. 


queer  little  hall,  where  we  went  often  in  search  of 
amusement  ;  and  here,  one  night,  Vivette  satisfied  a 
stage-stroke  that  had  long  affected  her  spirits. 

We  happened  in,  this  time,  to  learn  of  the 
ticket  man  at  the  door  that  the  house  was  im 
patiently  awaiting  the  arrival  of  a  troupe  that  had 
been  delayed  on  the  road  ;  he  was,  in  fact,  almost 
ready  to  announce  the  fact,  and  to  refund  the 
entrance  fees.  Vivette,  who  had  taken  a  hasty 
look  at  the  audience,  came  back,  with  her  two 
eyes  dancing. 

"Get  around  behind,  Robin,"  she  said 
swiftly,  "for  I  am  going  to  make  my  first  ap 
pearance  !  "  In  thirty  seconds  she  had  collogued 
the  manager,  and  within  the  minute  she  had  met 
me  on  the  stage,  and  while  the  change  of  pro 
gramme  was  being  announced,  reconnoitred  the 
house  through  the  curtain  peep-hole.  She  dragged 
me  to  the  green-room,  where  the  properties  and 
costumes  had  already  arrived,  and  began  a  ravish 
ing  toilet,  as  she  explained  the  plot  and  wheedled 
me  out  of  my  last  objection. 

"  Listen  here, "  she  said,  with  her  mouth  full 
of  pins;  "it  is  a  perfectly  lovely  audience  to  try 
the  game  on  !  —  the  cream  of  the  upper  lower 
classes,  ready  for  anything  we  can  give  them.  If 
they  were  a  grade  higher,  it  wouldn't  do  at  all, 
but  they're  a  very  human  sort,  and  good  work 
won't  be  lost  on  them,  either.  Now  you  can  tell 
a  be-autiful  story,  Robin,  such  as  you  used  to  tell 
92 


LES   JEUNES 


Idyl  of  Alice  Rainbird.  Dramatic  Unities. 

me,  and  you  must  go  on  first,  and  make  them 
laugh  till  I  finish  dressing,  and  then  —  well,  I'll 
tell  you  about  that  later.  Hurry  up,  now,  for  the 
orchestra  has  stopped  playing  !  ' ' 

Well,  I  went  on,  in  an  outrageous  rig,  the  only 
suit  that  fitted  me.  It  was  not  for  nothing  that  I 
was  director  of  the  Romance  Association,  and  I  did 
my  prettiest  for  Vivette's  sake  first,  and  then  for 
the  hungry  folk  in  front  of  me,  for  I  soon  realized 
that  there's  not  much  difference  between  children 
and  grown-ups,  when  it  comes  to  telling  a  story. 
I  had  often  wondered  why  this  amusement  couldn't 
be  done  here  as  well  as  in  the  East,  where  pro 
fessional  story-tellers  go  from  town  to  town  and 
divert  the  street-farers,  and  I  worked  in  somewhat 
that  way,  quite  naturally,  and  with  so  little  manner 
that  I  wondered  at  their  interest.  It  was  the 
"Holiday  Romance  "  that  I  told  them  ;  their  big 
eyes  followed  me  like  dogs,  and  they  shouted  like 
infants  when  the  drop  fell. 

Vivette  met  me  at  the  wings,  and  hugged  me. 
"It  was  blessed!  "  she  sighed;  "but  wait  till  I 
bedevil  them  !  "  She  had  got  herself  up  in  a 
bewilderingly  fetching  costume,  but  it  was  impossi 
ble  to  say  just  what  she  had  on,  for  over  her  was 
laid  a  charm  and  a  starry  beauty  that  was  so  strange 
as  almost  to  trouble  one,  yet  it  drew  one,  too,  like 
a  loadstone.  Her  presence  filled  that  dingy  stage 
as  might  a  goddess.  "  It  was  the  people  that  did 
it,  they  made  me  give  the  best  of  myself,  that  was 
93 


LES   JEUNES 


Impromptu  Mime  of  "  la  Jeune  Fille  a  marier." 

all,"  she  said  afterward.  I  held  my  breath,  and 
wondered  what  was  coming.  There  were  so 
many  things  she  might  have  done,  yet  who  but 
Vivette  would  have  dared  to  be  so  simple  —  who 
else  could  have  trusted  and  touched  an  audience 
like  this  ?  Yet  I  believe  that  not  until  she  had 
come  down  the  stage,  and  kissed  her  hands  to  the 
house,  had  she  decided  what  was  to  happen. 
There  was  a  hush  like  a  prayer  when  they  saw 
her,  and,  after  the  first  rustle,  not  a  sound  for 
fifteen  minutes.  You  would  not  believe  me  if  I 
told  you  all  the  magic  of  that  pantomime.  The 
tears  came  to  my  eyes  as  I  wondered  if  I  had  ever 
half  known  her  before.  It  was  the  simple  story, 
told  in  the  most  delicious  gesture,  of  a  young  girl  in 
love,  alone  in  her  boudoir.  Her  entrancing  raptures 
over  the  love-letter  hidden  in  her  frock,  the  ecstasy 
of  her  reply,  and  the  affection  with  which  she 
sealed  her  note  —  her  reverie  with  the  photograph 
beside  the  fire  —  the  little  dances  of  joy  with  which 
she  hailed  the  hurrying  hands  of  the  clock  —  the 
very  way  her  hair  came  down  and  went  up  again 
—  her  coquetries  with  the  mirror  and  the  rose  ;  with 
such  trifles  as  these  she  wove  a  bewitching  drama 
without  words.  And  then  she  rehearsed  the  ex 
pected  interview  with  a  serious  grace,  and  pre 
tended  to  disguise  her  regard  :  she  became  shy  and 
reserved,  —  he  might  kiss  her  hand,  but  that  was 
all,  —  and  then,  when  the  bell  sounded,  she  gave 
herself  up  to  her  emotion,  and  flew  to  the  door 
94 


LES   JEUNES 


What  one  can  do  with  a  good  Rehearsal. 

and  out,  with  a  happy  little  laugh  that  promised 
much  for  the  loved  one  outside.  Ah,  I  know  how 
much  !  for  that  young  man  was  I,  waiting  for  her 
there  in  the  shadow. 

There  was  not  a  man  silent,  no,  nor  a  woman 
either,  when  she  left  the  stage  ;  and  after  the  encore, 
while  the  orchestra  tried  to  drown  the  tumult,  she 
came  down  to  me  like  an  angel  out  of  heaven. 
"  How  is  this  for  a  first  night  ?  "  she  sang  ;  "are 
you  ready  for  the  finale  ?  "  "  Ah,  I'm  ready  for 
you,"  I  said,  trembling.  <*  Then  do  you  really 
love  me,  Robin  ? ' '  she  whispered  —  so  softly.  "I'll 
show  you,"  I  cried  wildly.  But  she  held  me  at 
arm's  length.  "No,  you  must  show  them"  she 
said.  "  Don't  be  shocked,  Robin;  don't  think  I 
don' t  honour  it  and  you,  dear ;  but  we  must  show 
them  what  love  is.  Authors  write  themselves  into 
their  books,  why  shouldn't  we  act  it  for  these  poor 
souls  ?  They  will  feel  it.  But  no  one  will  know 
it  is  real,  and  we  will  be  safe.  You  must  propose 
to  me,  Robin  ;  indeed,  you  must  do  it  all  over 
again  !  Have  you  forgotten  ?  "  And  she  smiled 
the  heart  out  of  me,  as  I  hesitated.  "  Not  a 
word  !  "  I  cried,  for  all  the  madness  of  my  first 
love  for  her  swept  back  to  me.  She  gave  me  the 
cue,  and,  while  we  were  still  burning,  she  rang  up 
the  drop. 

If  it  had  been  before  any  other  audience  I  could 
never  have  done  it.  If  we  had  been  alone,  I  never 
would  have  been  keyed  up  to  the  pitch  to  which 
95 


LES   JEUNES 


Art  for  Heart's  sake. 


those  hundreds  of  hungry  eyes  inspired  me  ;  but 
then  and  there  we  went  over  that  day  of  days, 
from  the  moment  I  found  her  at  the  window,  to 
the  end.  Every  word  came  back  to  me  as  I  looked 
into  her  eyes.  We  did  not  act,  we  lived  it  again  ; 
the  encore  set  my  soul  afloat,  I  soared  into  dream 

and  the  heart  of  me  grew  young 

"Robin,"  said  Vivette,  after  it  was  all  over 
and  we  had  left  the  darkened  hall,  "  forgive  me 
if  it  was  not  right,  and  if  it  has  hurt  the  memory 
of  that  first  time,  but  now  I  know  how  much  you 
love  me  —  and  I'd  like  to  do  it  all  over  again  !  " 


96 


BOOK   IV 
THE   BANQUET 


THE    BANQUET 


Six  Months  are  supposed  to  have  Elapsed. 


H 


OW  little  we  know  about 


j       Tprp 

Vivette,  after  a  hot  half-hour  over  I-yp-vr  PTXTC  I 
the  map.  "  Only  two  pins  T  __  M  __  M  __  £ 
east  of  Echo  street,  and  as  for  the  Fellside,  and 
out  that  way,  we  just  don't  know  anybody  !  " 
She  had  been  sticking  pins  into  the  map,  as  I 
finally  discovered,  to  locate  her  acquaintances  — 
black  pins  for  the  men  and  white  ones  for  the 
women. 

"Robin,"  she  said,  "if  we  are  to  succeed  in 
our  enterprise  we  must  widen  our  acquaintance. 
Here  are  blocks  and  blocks  of  arable,  pinless  land  ; 
we  need  these  streets,  Robin.  I  tell  you  we  must 
plant  pins  !  " 

"  But  how  widen  our  acquaintance  ?  "  said  I. 
"  How  use  these  streets  ?  How  plant  pins  ?  " 

"And  you  the  director  of  the  Romance  Asso 
ciation  !  "  she  said  sadly  ;  and  then,  taking  a  piece 
of  chalk,  she  ruled  the  map  into  half-mile  squares, 
and  stuck  a  pin  into  the  centre  of  each. 

"I  suppose  you  will  admit  that  some  one  lives 
at  each  pin,"  she  said. 

"For  the  sake  of  the  argument,  and  barring 
vacant  houses,  —  yes,"  said  I. 

"  The  argument  is  that  we  must  know  these 
pin-people.  Here  are  —  let  me  see  —  ten  :  five 
99 


THE    BANQUET 


A  little  Journey  in  search  of  a  Sensation. 

for  you  and  five  for  me.  Think  of  the  possibili 
ties,  Robin  ;  the  chance  of  new  and  picturesque 
adventures  with  untried  types,  each  one  the  hero 
of  a  fresh  romance  !  Really,  I  grudge  you  your 
five  pins,  Robin." 

"  Shall  you  call  ?  "  I  interrupted. 

"We  must  prospect,"  she  said  seriously, 
puckering  her  brow  as  she  struggled  with  the  plot. 
"  This  is  no  mere  detectiving  ;  no,  I  shall  give  a 
dinner  !" 

Now  at  this  time  the  Association  was  in  funds, 
and,  as  Vivette  persuaded  me  of  the  importance  ojf 
the  investment,  I  fell  in  with  the  project  and  gave 
her  carte  blanche,  which,  with  Vivette,  was  taken 
literally,  as  I  afterwards  saw  by  the  stubs  in  her 
cheque  book.  Yet  it  pays  to  make  Vivette  happy. 
We  were  keeping  up  several  establishments  at  that 
time  in  several  different  parts  of  the  city  ;  but 
Vivette  would  have  none  of  them,  and  she  insisted, 
besides,  on  my  not  knowing  any  of  the  details  she 
had  arranged  for  the  banquet,  so  that  until  the 
evening  I  did  not  even  know  the  rendezvous. 
My  part  was  to  provide  five  guests  to  represent 
the  five  squares  she  had  blocked  out  for  me,  and  to 
see  them  safely  to  the  dinner. 

We  parted  gayly  on  Echo  street,  she  going 
north  and  I  south.  My  territory  lay  in  the 
meaner  parts  of  the  city,  among  the  tenements  and 
factories,  not  an  unlikely  ground  for  interesting 
plots  —  Romance,  despite  the  claims  of  the  family 
100 


THE    BAN-QUET 


Some  Travellers  take  Carreras,  .stnae  tuke  F_ye$£°j^  *  ^ 

story  papers,  usually  shunning  your  upper  middle 
classes. 

On  my  first  visit  I  ran  point-blank  into  a 
mystery  that  put  me  into  a  good  humour  for  the  rest 
of  the  day.  It  was  in  a  ruffianly  little  barber  shop 
that  I  found  the  phenomenon,  for  if  it  is  not  strange 
to  be  shaved  south  of  Echo  street  for  seven  cents 
with  a  gold-handled  razor,  then  I  haven't  mastered 
my  trade.  The  owner  of  the  incongruous  tool  was 
amenable  to  my  advances,  and  indeed,  we  became 
so  intimate  before  I  was  dried  that  I  barely  saved 
the  story  hot  for  the  dinner.  He  was  little  enough 
loath  to  decline  my  invitation,  and  I  left  him,  early 
in  the  forenoon,  putting  up  his  shutters,  already 
beginning  his  preparations  for  the  fete. 

I  achieved  all  degrees  of  success  in  the  other 
explorations,  from  being  warmly  invited  to  mind 
my  own  proper  affairs,  to  being  proposed  to,  out  of 
hand,  by  female  tenants,  but  no  subsequent  advent 
ure  was  patently  melodramatic,  and  I  spare  you  the 
recital.  But  I  plunged  into  one  affair  after  another, 
picking  and  stealing  my  picturesque  guests  and 
leading  them  captive  to  the  feast.  Amongst  the 
freaks  of  Fortuity  was  the  event  that  discovered 
Solomon  Hopp  to  be  the  human  symbol  of  Pin  No. 
9  j  he  was  entranced  at  the  rencontre,  and  accom 
panied  me  on  my  rounds  with  a  school-boy  zeal 
for  the  mission. 

Vivette's  experiences,  also,  must  be  left  untold 
for  the  present,  since  I  shall  fill  my  hundred  and 


THE- BANQUET 


^civilization  v  ^  ^>-  "c  »t  t~  Hors  d'  (Euvre. 

•fifty-two  pages  without.  Marry,  she  brewed  a 
gay  turmoil  in  Millamours,  and  from  the  storm  it 
fairly  rained  Romance  on  her  that  day  !  She  came 
and  went  through  the  quarter,  and  gathered  her 
company,  as  did  the  Caliph  Haroun-al-Raschid  in 
Bagdad. 

It  was  in  the  Latin  Quarter  of  the  town  that 
Vivette's  address  finally  led  me,  with  my  retinue 
following  in  five  cabs,  charged  with  five  hilarious 
drivers  in  no  funeral  humour,  ready  for  any  emer 
gency.  And  behold,  as  we  turned  into  Antarctic 
place,  here  was  another  procession  making  a  clatter 
ing  headway  up  the  street,  in  as  gay  a  mood  as  ours. 
We  met  fair  and  square  in  the  middle  of  the  block, 
to  the  giant  interest  of  the  small  fry  of  the  place, 
not  to  speak  of  half  an  hundred  goggling  heads  out 
of  window.  I  jumped  out  and  found  Vivette  in  a 
state  of  acute  hysterium  in  the  Cab  No.  I  of  the 
opposing  force.  Together  we  engineered  an  ar 
mistice,  to  the  great  disappointment  of  the  drivers  ; 
the  cabs  vomited  forth  our  victims,  and  we  pro 
ceeded,  two  and  two,  up  a  little  court.  If  there  had 
been  a  brass  band  it  would  then  have  struck  up  a 
stirring  air.  Very  happily  for  us,  we  encountered 
a  force  of  police  at  the  end  of  the  alley,  for  we 
were  becoming  sadly  popular  in  that  neighborhood, 
and  there  was  a  lively  jostle  in  our  rear,  encouraged, 
no  doubt,  by  the  discharged  cabmen. 

Once  within  the  cordon,  we  found  ourselves 
•before  a  large  frame  structure,  blazing  with  lights, 

102 


THE    BANQUET 


Life  in  a  Geode.  Satinalia. 

not  only  from  the  doors  and  windows,  but  from 
many  extraordinary  apertures,  for  it  was  a  ram 
shackle  edifice,  in  a  very  interesting  state  of  decrep- 
ity.  This  building  we  entered,  agog  with  appre 
hension, —  Gerrish,  Hopp,  the  burglar's  wife, 
and  the  two  corner-grocerymen  in  my  tow,  and 
Vivette,  with  her  contingent,  treading  on  our 
heels. 

We  were  ambuscaded  in  the  antechamber  by 
two  dense  black  slaves,  who  fell  upon  us  and 
blindfolded  the  whole  company  with  great  despatch, 
and  we  were  led  prisoners  to  the  interior,  through 
a  darkness  alive  with  strange  sounds  and  odours. 
But  when  we  at  last  opened  our  eyes  and  stared  at 
the  apparition  of  that  house,  its  whole  inside 
scooped  out  like  a  Halloween  pumpkin,  —  at  the 
groves  of  blooming  orange  trees,  the  darting  hum 
ming  birds  and  riband-betrimmed  paroquets  rustling 
through  the  enchanted  half-light,  the  plashing  cas 
cades,  the  parading  monkeys,  costumed  with  fan 
tastic  conceit,  rattling  their  silver  chains,  and,  under 
a  huge  silk  umbrella,  the  round  table,  piled  with  a 
heaving  sea  of  violets  navigated  by  fleets  of  fruit- 
laden  galleys,  the  crawling  glow-worms  that  span 
gled  the  leaves  ;  when  we  heard  the  sounds  of 
soft-voiced  viols  and  the  plaints  of  nightingales  in 
the  shrubbery,  and  breathed  the  perfume  of  the 
censers  swinging  from  the  rafters  —  as  these  impres 
sions  came  one  after  another,  shocking  us  into  a 
hushed  surprise,  we  sat  there  for  a  while  like  mutes 
103 


THE   BANQUET 


Circumstances  alter  Cases.  Verisimilitudinarianism. 

bewitched.  And  Vivette,  so  gay  before,  so  spark 
ling  and  so  kind,  seeing  our  emotion,  cast  down 
her  eyes,  and  I  saw  them  glisten  in  the  candle 
light. 

And  lo  !  though  we  had  brought  in  the  rag  ends 
of  humanity  as  our  guests,  sordid,  hopeless  men 
and  women,  the  exhilaration  of  this  extravagance 
worked  a  miracle  before  our  eyes.  Our  company 
rose  to  the  occasion  as  souls  emerge  from  dead 
bodies,  and,  as  the  play  went  on,  they  assumed 
the  parts  consistent  with  the  feast ;  the  wines  un 
tied  reserve  —  the  table  responded  to  the  bound 
ing  spirits  of  Vivette,  and  we  dined  that  night  like 
princes  and  princesses  of  the  blood  royal  of  Ro 
mance.  It  was  an  apotheosis  that  not  even  our 
hostess  had  expected. 

Of  the  thousand  diversions  of  that  dinner,  I 
have  no  time  now  to  tell,  even  were  you  sufficiently 
credulous ;  not  at  any  rate  of  the  shower  that  fell 
softly  around  us,  and  the  hoarse  fluting  of  frogs  as 
the  entr&e  was  served  —  not  of  the  huntsmen's 
chorus  that  brought  in  the  game  —  not  of  the  snow 
storm  that  fluttered  from  the  roof,  and  changed  to 
a  rattling  downfall  of  rice-hail  as  the  ices  were 
handed  around  —  not  certainly  of  the  sudden  dark 
ness,  the  thunder,  the  red  fire,  and  the  terrifying 
entrance  through  the  floor  of  the  devil  with  cognac- 
flaming  coffee ;  for  these  were  mere  insignificant 
details  of  Vivette 's  plan.  The  talk  was  the  main 
thing,  and  when  the  candles  flared  and  the  drift  - 
104 


THE    BANQUET 


A  Tale  told  by  an  Idiot,  signifying  Nothing. 

wood  fire  glowed  iridescent,  she  plied  the  company 
with  her  craft,  and  set  them  chattering  like  a 
family  reunited  at  Thanksgiving-time. 

It  was  to  Gerrish  the  barber  that  Vivette  first 
turned,  after  the  talk  stagnated  and  the  time  had 
come  for  a  more  definite  topic.  "  I  must  con 
fess,"  said  she,  "  that  of  all  the  stories  that  are  to 
be  told  at  this  table  to-night,  I  am  most  anxious  to 
hear  the  one  that  shall  explain  how  it  came  to  pass 
that  you  have  to-day  shaved  my  husband  with  a 
gold  razor.  It  was  assuredly  solid  gold  ? ' '  she  asked 
tentatively. 

The  barber  snorted.  "Sixteen  carrots  fine  !  " 
said  Gerrish. 

And  he  continued  with  the  following  incredible 
story  ;  or,  at  least,  I  never  believed  it  : 


" 


T  K  M'  M  yo"kn°w'  a  bar-    fcHAPTERf 
L  ber  at  No.  86;  Bow  street.         TT      r^TTT, 
i  i  4-  -IJ-- 


I  am  too  poor  to  keep  more  than     *      pQLD 
one   chair,    at     which    I   operate          R A7OR 

myself.  5 M M £ 

"  One  day  last  December,  a  lady,  heavily  veiled, 
entered  my  shop,  and  requested  me  to  shave  a 
straight  stripe  down  the  back  of  a  tortoise-shell 
kitkin  which  she  had  fetched  in  a  basket.  I  was, 
of  course,  somewhat  astonished  at  so  strange  a 
request,  but  as  she  paid  me  well  I  did  what  she 
asked.  Every  week  after  that  she  appeared  early 
Monday  morning  for  the  same  purpose,  until  a 
week  before  last,  when,  saying  she  had  no  money 
105 


THE    BANQUET 


An  Arabian  Nichts  Entertainment. 


to  pay  for  the  work,  she  left  me  the  gold-handled 
razor  you  saw,  sir,  and  felt,  as  security  for  the  pay 
ment.  I  have  not  seen  her  since.  I  think  she 
was  a  dodecaroon. 

"And,"  concluded  the  barber  whose  name  was 
Gerrish,  with  a  touch  of  sensitiveness  at  sight  of 
the  faces  that  fell  before  him,  "if  I  cannot  explain 
the  meaning  of  this  mysterious  occurrence,  and 
have  not  the  wit  to  fabricate  a  reasonable  sequel,  I 
trust  I  shall  not  be  held  responsible  for  your  mani 
fest  disappointment." 

"And  yet,"  said  Vivette,  " 'tis  a  poor  story 
that  has  no  ending  !  " 

"Or  a  long  one,"    said  I. 

The  barber  blushed.  "In  real  life  stories  do 
not  end,"  he  asserted,  "and  (outside  the  exigencies 
of  my  profession)  I  am  in  no  mood  to  attempt  to 
improve  on  Nature.  I  regret,  indeed,  that  I  am 
forced  into  this  book  at  all,"  he  added,  raising  his 
voice  disagreeably,  "  for  my  tale  is  not  of  a 
quality  to  be  tolerated  by  the  ordinary,  or  gentle, 
reader,  acclimated  to  or  with  an  acquired  taste  for 
or  by  the  grotesque  improbability  hight  *  Dramatic 
Quality.'  I  am  sorry  to  shock  you  by  closing  with 
a  rising  inflection,  yet  I  have  the  satisfaction  of 
being  loyal  to  the  Higher  Realism." 

Gerrish  sat  down,  and  the  company  murmured 

a  little  uneasily.      Vivette,   anxious  to  relieve  the 

tension     of    the    barber's    extravagant    sophistries, 

turned  to  the  first  corner-grocery  man,  a  dour  and 

1 06 


THE   BANQUET 


Butter  wouldn't  help  the  Works." 


sombre  man,  who  had  retreated  into  a  melancholic 
demeanour  after  the  flush  of  the  conversation  had 
died  out  in  him. 

"And  you,  sir,"  she  said,  "what  do  you  know 
of  the  Great  Adventure  ? ' ' 

"Nothing/'  said  the  man.  "I  am  a  corner- 
groceryman." 

"  But  does  nothing  ever  happen  in  your  store  ?  " 
she  asked. 

"Oh,  yes,"  replied  he,  "the  same  thing  hap 
pens  every  day,  except  Sundays." 

"  How  peaceful  a  life  is  yours  !  "  mused  Vivette. 
"  And  yet  not  a  pickle  keg  in  your  shop  but  is  a  po 
tential  romance.  Not  a  biscuit  behind  the  counter 
but  may  assist  at  a  tragedy,  and  the  adventures 
possible  to  the  meanest  bar  of  soap  in  your  estab 
lishment  will,  perhaps,  furnish  forth  an  epode." 

"  Hunh  ?  "  said  the  grocer. 

"  Excuse  me,"  suddenly  interrupted  a  wild-eyed 
stripling  at  Vivette's  right  hand  ;  "  if  there  are  tales 
to  be  told,  I  pray  hear  mine,  for  I  have  kept  still 
till  I  can  no  longer  stand  it,  and  these  theories  give 
me  little  chance  for  an  interpolation  apropos.  Yet 
stories  have  been  told  before  at  dinner  parties  more 
inapt  than  mine,  and  often  enough  with  success." 

"  Do  not  apologize,  I  beg  of  you,  for  the  sympo 
sium  is  certainly  going  slowly  enough,"  said 
Vivette.  "  Pray  burst  the  bonds  of  your  discre 
tion,  for  if  we  get  nowhere  after  this  start,  I  shall 
faint  away ! ' ' 

107 


THE    BANQUET 


No  Matter  how  stupid  a  Caption  I  write, 

So,  in  a.  forte  voice,  and  with  a  terrible,  terrible 
earnestness,  the  young  man  began  : 
iCHAPT^R^     T  ^ r ^  boisterous  and  turbulent 
T  JJT      TUT?   !      A  as  a  youth  —  a  loud-mouthed, 
iYELLSTER  I     ^mPoss^le    sort    of    a  boy ;    one 

5 M M £     to  be  kept  out  of  doors  as  long 

as  possible,  and  to  be  suppressed  at  night  by  every 
means  in  a  mother's  power.  I  was  sent  to 
boarding-school,  but  was  speedily  expelled  for  my 
noise.  I  managed  to  get  into  college  at  last,  and 
there  I  was  perfectly  happy,  rooting  on  the  campus 
and  on  the  foot-ball  field  at  all  hours  with  the  more 
enthusiastic  of  my  mates.  Where  there  was  a  yell, 
there  was  I,  the  king-pin  of  the  hullabaloo ;  a 
shouting  mania  possessed  me,  and  I  was  the  leader 
in  all  the  celebrations  of  the  University.  I  invented 
new  cries  and  captained  that  vocal  patriotism  by 
which  classes  triumph,  and  battles  are  supposed  to 
be  won  upon  the  gridiron.  I  had  a  large  chest- 
expansion,  and  was  known  far  and  wide  as  a  man 
of  mighty  lungs. 

—  After  I  was  graduated,  I  obtained  a  clerkship  in 
a  wholesale  house,  and  attempted  to  gain  a  mastery 
over  my  madness,  but  the  effort  was  terrible.  After 
every  day  of  silence,  I  sought  the  unfrequented 
suburban  districts,  and  screamed  to  the  moon  and 
all  the  planets,  to  relieve  the  tension  of  my  desire. 
How  I  envied  the  retail-counter  clerks,  who  were 
privileged  to  vociferate  "  Cash  !  "  till  the  windows 
rattled  !  I  often  woke  myself  and  all  the  neighbours 
1 08 


THE    BANQUET 


Someone  will  think  that  it's  awfully  Bright  ! 

by  my  midnight  shrieks,  breaking  through  dreams, 
happy  dreams,  where  I  trumpeted  at  fires  or  on 
ship-board,  whooped  with  wild  Apaches,  or  bawled 
with  frenzied  negroid  Voodoos. 
—  So  things  went  from  bad  to  worse.  I  dared  not 
trust  myself  in  society,  lest  I  should  explode  with 
my  pent-up  feelings  and  breed  a  scandal  amongst  my 
respectable  friends.  But  at  last  the  climax  came, 
on  a  Sunday  when  I  made  a  final  attempt  to  calm 
myself  in  the  odour  of  sanctity  at  a  neighbouring 
church.  The  dim  light  of  the  edifice  and  the 
peaceful  serenity  of  the  congregation  sobered  me 
when  I  entered,  and  I  thanked  God  that  I  was,  for 
once,  like  other  men.  When  I  had  begun  to  tire 
of  the  stillness,  the  harsh  blare  of  the  organ  and  the 
raucous  notes  of  the  tenor  soothed  me  again  ;  I  de 
lighted  in  the  cacophony,  for  it  was  an  ill-paid  choir, 
and  I  settled  myself  in  content.  But  alas,  I  had 
not  calculated  upon  the  agony  of  that  rector's 
voice  !  His  first  low  and  solemn  words  began  the 
torture,  and  at  each  succeeding  droning  sentence 
the  barb  of  annoyance  sunk  deeper  into  my  spirit. 
I  itched  all  over  with  the  monotony  of  his  whining 
modulations.  I  held  up  first  one  foot  and  then  the 
other,  to  distract  my  mind  from  the  drawling  moan 
of  the  voice  ;  I  counted  the  windows  and  the  nod 
ding  heads  of  the  worshippers ;  I  began  to  wonder 
what  would  happen  if  I  should  give  way  under  the 
strain,  and  the  temptation  grew  suddenly  like  a 
cyclone,  blowing  down  every  barrier  of  decency.  I 
109 


THE    BANQUET 


One  Touch  of  Nature  makes  the  whole  World  grin. 

held  my  breath  in  terror  of  the  demon  that  possessed 
me,  while  the  congregation  swayed  before  my  eyes 
in  a  dull  blur.  Still  the  rector's  voice  squirmed 
unceasingly,  and  like  an  ear-ache  that  grows  more 
and  more  intense,  at  last  my  desire  boiled  up  and 
overflowed  my  soul.  I  rose  to  my  feet  and  yelled 
aloud  !  —  one  mad,  hoarse  shriek,  that  echoed  back 
from  the  chancel,  raced  up  and  down  the  aisles, 
leaped  to  the  vaulted  roof,  and  swept  down  upon 
the  drowsy  audience.  An  hundred  heads  swung 
round  to  me  ;  an  hundred  white  faces  confronted  me 
with  staring  eyes.  The  preacher  stopped  suddenly  ; 
there  was  a  crescendo  of  astonished  exclamations  ;  a 
woman  screamed  ;  two  grey,  shaved  deacons  hurried 
toward  me ;  and  I  reeled  into  the  arms  of  a  verger. 

%  %.  ^  ^.  ^  %.  %• 

—  I  am  happy  now,  thanks  to  the  wise  services  of 
the  physician  that  attended  me  ;  and  all  day  long  I 
have  the  blessed  right  to  yell,  "  Fresh  mack- 
er-el!"  upon  the  highways  and  byways  of  the 
town.  No  one  stares  at  me  as  I  pass,  scream 
loudly  as  I  may  ;  and  at  night,  after  a  day  of  inde 
scribable  ecstasy,  I  retire  to  my  little  garden  and 
practise  upon  my  trombone.  And  when  I  go  to 
sleep,  my  dreams  are  full  of  peace.  .  .  . 

ff  Bravo  !  "  cried  the  company,  and  "Bravo!  " 
cried  Vivette,  for  he  had  galloped  through  his 
narrative  with  verve,  and  had  awakened  us  from 
the  depression  the  grocer  had  produced,  as  a 
tempest  clears  a  sultry  afternoon. 
no 


THE    BANQUET 


Cupid  and  the  Stop-watch. 


"  It  lacks  only  the  Grand  Passion  to  make  it  a 
romance,' '  I  said. 

"  It  is  perfect  without,"  said  Vivette.  "  Who 
ever  heard  of  a  short  love-story  ?  ' ' 

"  Indeed,  you've  cut  many  an  one  short,"  said  I. 

"  But  seriously,  what  is  the  shortest  possible 
time  in  which  an  amour  may  begin  and  be  fin 
ished  ?  "  she  asked  gravely. 

"Two  minutes  !  "  said  one  of  Vivette's  own 
guests  at  her  left  hand,  beside  the  deaf  and  dumb 
tag-stringer.  He  also  was  young,  ardent,  impetu 
ous,  foolhardy,  gallant,  —  all  this  I  knew,  for  this 
much  his  face  confessed.  "Ah,  I  have  loved  — 
and  lost  !  "  he  cried. 

"The  story  !  The  story  !  "  mercilessly  urged 
the  company. 

"  It  happened  but  yesterday,"  began  the  lover. 

"  Had  it  ever  happened  before  ?  "  I  inquired. 

"Silence  !  "  Vivette  commanded,  and  to  him 
she  said,  "  Begin  at  the  commencement  of  the  two 
minutes  now:  we'll  have  the  sentiment  neat."  .  . 

WITH   my  wonted    impet-    fc-Jftpffcj[f 
uosity,   I  had  barely  time         jy      ^ 
to  dash,    breathless,  into  the  ele-    frp^rj?   ELE-t 
vator  cage  as  the  door   snapped.          VATOR 

I  am  ready  enough  for  an  advent-    5 M M £ 

ure  at  any  time,  but  Romance  had  me  by  the  ear, 
that  day,  and  pitched  me  flat  into  the  very  climax 
of  my  life  ;  for,  as  I  brushed  in,  my  sleeve-link 
caught  in  some  one's  gown,  and  tied  us  together, 
in 


THE    BANQUET 


Oh,  now  we  go  Up,  Up,  Up-py  ! 


Turning  to  apologize  and  release  myself,  I  looked 
up  and  caught  her  fair  in  the  eye.  She  was  smil 
ing,  but  when  she  saw  me  she  trembled  visibly. 
— The  car  sprang  up  the  shaft,  and  our  eyes  clung 
together  like  drowning  men.  We  seemed  as  if 
alone  in  the  world.  As  the  car  rose  and  stopped 
and  soared  again,  my  soul  flickered  like  a  dying 
candle,  and  then  seemed  lifted  to  indescribable 
altitudes.  My  brain  reeled  with  the  exhilaration 
of  her  presence  like  a  drunken  giant.  The  glory 
of  her  unknown,  well-known  face,  the  absolute 
satisfaction  of  her  being,  the  surety  that  her  heart 
understood  and  answered  mine,  kept  me  trepid 
with  excitement. 

—  As  we  ascended,  seconds  had  revealed  us  to  each 
other  ;  in    the   minute   we    were  lovers  ;  a  whole 
existence  was  being  lived.      Years  could  have  done 
no  more. 

—  When  the  glow  died  out  of  her  face,  leaving  it 
rose-white,  my  mind  cleared,  and  I  felt  the  strange 
self-control    of  one  who  flies   in   dream,    and,  still 
gazing  in  her  eyes,  I  saw  her  the  woman  of  ten  thou 
sand,  the   goddess   of  my  destiny.      Yet,   with  the 
thought,    the    fear   of  losing   the  hope  of  my   life 
arose  in  me  like  a  phantom.      Could  it  all  end  — 
a  love  that  seemed  immortal  ? 

—  The    car    stopped  at  the  eleventh  story.      The 
boy,  wondering  at  our  delay,  called  out  the  floor  ; 
then,    grinning,    stepped  outside   to   pick    a   paper 
from  the  corridor. 

112 


THE  BANQUET 


And  now  we  go  Down,  Down,  Down-y  ! 

—  While  we  were  still  chained  by  each  other's  gaze, 
a   swift  resolve  knifed  me.      I  leaned  to  her  and 
shot  the  question — and  her  whispered    "  Yes!  " 
flew  back  like  an  echo 

—  The  boy  stepped  back,   slammed  the  gate,  and 
started  the  car  downward  with  an  oath.    Passengers 
hailed  us  and  crowded  in,  a  jostling  company,  yet 
remote    as    the    horizon.      So    the   car    sank,    and 
stopped,  and  fell  again,  and  we  stood  motionless, 
as  one  might  stand  in  the  centre  of  the  universe, 
while    creation  swung  around  him.      At  last,   the 
cage  swept  down  to  the  ground  floor  and  stopped 
with  a  sickening  lurch  that  threw  her  to  her  knees. 

—  As  I  stooped  to  raise  her,  I  heard  an  inarticulate 
moan,  and  glancing  down  on  the  instant,  I  saw  at 
my  feet  what  sent  the  blackness  of  hell  into  my 
soul.      God  knows  my    mind    never    faltered,   no 
more  than  my  great,  glorying  love  did,  —  though  I 
dared  not  look  her  in  the  face.      The   only  noble 
course  lay  plain  and  straight  before  me.      Yet  love 
against  honour  battled  within  me  —  the  one,  like  a 
beast  tearing  at   my  heart,   dragging  me    back    to 
the  heaven  at  her  side,  the  other  counselling  me  to 
spare  her  from  disgrace  in  this  horrid  hour,  even  at 
the  sacrifice  of  all  that  I  had  miraculously  won.      I 
have    the    quicksilver    temperament,    and    all     the 
chivalry  of  my  nature  bade  me  gallantly  refrain  to 
notice  what  had  happened.      I  would  have  died  for 
her  sake  ;   could  I  not  do  even  this,   and  toss  the 
jewel  of  my  hopes  aside  to  spare  her  shame  ? 


THE    BANQUET 


A  topsy-turvy  Sky-climber  that  could  not  Talk. 

—  Haggard  and  icy  cold,  J  stepped  over  the  sixteen 
ivory  relics  of  her  smile,  and  flung  myself  out  into 
the  street  —  alone  ! 

Vivette  told  me  afterward,  in  confidence,  that 
she  didn't  care  very  much  for  the  story,  and  she 
thought  the  point  of  view  was  as  false  as — well, 
the  teeth,  perhaps ;  but  she  clapped  her  hands  and 
applauded  as  a  hostess  should.  For  my  part,  I 
saw  much  to  be  admired  in  the  young  man's  spirit, 
and  I  branded  him,  mentally,  as  one  on  whom  the 
Association  should  keep  an  eye. 

Between  Gerrish  and  the  yellster  sat  a  Human 
Fly  whom  Vivette  had  caught  in  the  web  of  the 
quarter.  We  had  set  great  hopes  on  her  tales  of 
strange  head-downward  travels  across  the  ceil 
ings  of  mighty  circus-tents,  preposterous  prome 
nades,  and  scant  skirts  ribbed  with  steel  like  um 
brellas,  to  unflinchingly  envelop  her  form,  while  her 
hair  hung  down  like  a  paint-brush.  But  whether 
from  a  habit  of  looking  down  on  the  company  or 
not,  she  had  no  marvel  for  us  and  we  had  to  pass  her 
and  class  her  with  the  second  corner-grocery  man. 

"There  are  too  many  blanks  in  this  lottery," 
cried  Vivette.  "Believe  me,  my  friends,  it  isn't 
so  much  the  tale  one  tells,  as  the  teller's  way  of 
telling!" 

"  If  I  could  believe  that,"  began  a  wry  and 
withered  widowette  at  my  left. 

"Mrs.  Silk  !  Mrs.  Silk  !  "  whooped  a  neuvain 
of  diners,  shrilly. 

114 


THE   BANQUET 


Mrs.  Silk  asserts  her  Rights. 


She  coughed  a  little  imitation  cough  into  her 
hand  and  bridled  coyly  —  shy  old  girl  !  "  Yes, 
mim,"  she  mimbled,  "my  history  is  very  awful  ! 
Speaking  of  them  vacuum  shoes  that  the  Human  Fly 
wore  has  brought  back  to  me  the  horrible  curst 
that  is  onto  me." 

And  Mrs.    Silk  with  many  gasps  and  gurglings 
thrilled  us  with  the  story  of  her  Nemeses  : 
f    ™Y   ^d  but  one  leg    ^p^ 
1  >when   1    married   him.       It     !  «      THF 
was  a  left  leg,  mim.      I    didn't    j    uNIPED     '' 
realize  what  this  meant  until  he     i  TJTTOTD  A  >jr>Q 

died.      It   meant   forty-one  new    5 HH HH £ 

right-foot  shoes  in  his  dressing  closet,  mim,  for  he 
was  a  extravagant  man  and  I  was  a  economical 
wife.  It  did  seem  to  me  that  he  bought  a  pair  of 
new  shoes  each  week.  How  to  get  rid  of  them 
forty-one  I  didn't  know.  I  couldn't  bear  to 
throw  'em  away.  I  tried  to  return  'em  to  the 
shoe  shops  and  get  a  rabate,  but  the  clerks  asserted 
me  that  almost  all  one-legged  men  was  left-legged, 
and  all  their  right-legged  customers  wore  large 
sizes.  Likkery  wore  number  fours.  It  was  just 
like  his  unaccommodativeness.  I  began  to  rake 
and  scrape  to  get  invitations  to  weddings,  so  I 
might  throw  them  shoes  after  the  bride's  carriage. 
They  do  say  it  needs  an  old  shoe,  but  what  did  I 
care  so  long  as  the  shoes  was  used  up  ?  But  Lord  ! 
there  wasn't  half  weddings  enough,  and  heaven 
knows  I  ain't  no  matchmaker.  It  was  a  horrid 


THE    BANQUET 


The  Soles  of  the  Unfortunates. 


legacy  I  was  left  with,  mim,  forty-one  new  shoes. 
They  grew  and  grew  on  me  till  finally  it  seemed  to 
me  some  nights  that  there  must  be  a  hundred  in 
that  closet,  and  I'd  get  up  and  light  a  candle  and 
get  down  on  my  knees  and  count  'em  all  over  to 
make  sure  they  wa'n't  no  more. 

—  My  second  marriage  promised  to  be  very  happy, 
but  a  week  after  the  ceremony  Mr.  Box  (I  used  to 
have  my  mail  come  "  Mrs.  J.  J.  d'Likkery-Box  "  ) 
he  met  with  a  most  distressing  accident  of  a  bicycle. 
When  they  brought  him  home  on  a  door  I  grew 
that  white  they  threw  a  washpan  of  water  at  me. 
"  Don't  tell  me  Box  has  broke  his  leg  ?  "  I  says. 
But  sure  enough  he  had.      "Not  his    right  leg  ?  " 
says  I,  but  I  knew  it  was,  for  it  was  just  my  luck. 
It   was   his   right   leg,  too,  and  off  it  come  before 
night,   and    them  shoes   just    seemed   to   me   they 
grinned  and  stuck  out   their  tongues  at  me.      And 
so  that  collection  grew  and  grew. 

—  In   spite  of  all  I  could  do,    Mr.   Box's   shoes 
would  sometimes  be  left  pointing  towards  the  bed. 
You  know  how  that  gives  you  bad  dreams,  mim. 
But   oftener   Likkery's  would,   too.      Imagine  !  — 
fifty-odd  bad  dreams  all  at  the   onct.      Often  and 
often  I  woke  up  at  the  dead  hours  of  the  night  and 
see   them    shoes   a-pointing    at    me,  like  I    was  a 
female  shoe  charmer,  or  like  that.      I  tried  to  keep 
'em  in  a  trunk  all  together,  but  like  as  not  I'd  get 
in  a  few  left-foot  boots,  and  Box  would  swear  he'd 
have  'em  around  where  he  could  find  'em  or  he'd 

116 


THE    BANQUET 


The  Mobilization.  Gules,  a  Pedal  Dexter. 

know  why,  and  he  all  the  time  buying  new  pairs 
of  shoes,  because  he  couldn't  get  single  lefts  at  the 
store.  I  asked  him  for  heaven's  sake  get  'em  made 
to  order,  but  you  might  just  as  well  talk  to  a  goat. 

—  At  last  Mr.  Box  died,  and  the  thought  seemed 
to  console   me  that  at  least  there  wouldn't  be  no 
more  single  shoes  in  the  closet.      The  day  after  the 
funeral  I  made    a    procession    of  all   the  shoes  — 
patent-leathers,    brogans,    bluchers    small  and  blu 
chers   big,   tans,   congresses,   pumps,   slippers,   and 
rubber-boots.      Sixty-six    right-foot    shoes,    toe    to 
heel,  they  reached  from  my  back  bedroom   bay  to 
the  head  of  the  stairs. 

—  I  was  in    despair  at  the  idea  of  living  with  all 
this   foot-gear,    as    if  I  was  the    relic  of  a  half  a 
centipede,    when   a   small-footed  man   named  Silk 
proposed    to   me.      I    looked     at    his    feet    and    I 
accepted  him.     I  was  sure  the  shoes  should  fit  him, 
and  I  was  determined   that   them  shoes  should   be 
wore    out.       I    suppose    I'm    a     wicked     widow 
woman,  but  I  just  couldn't  stand  it.      But  wait  till 
I  tell  you  ! 

—  As  soon  as  he    was  asleep,    I    approached  his 
prostate  form.      My  axe  was  sharp  —  I  had  ground 
it  myself.       My    mind    was    set.      Sixty-six  soles 
inspired  me. 

—  I   struck   the   blow.      Then   the   horror  of  the 
deed  seized  me. 

—  The  rest  is  too  awful  ! 

—  I  had  cut  off  the  wrong  foot  !   .    .    .    . 

117 


THE    BANQUET 


Morgan  le  Fay,  the  Manner  of  her  Craft. 

"There  is  something  very  Greek  about  the 
tragedy,"  said  Vivette,  at  a  loss  for  a  more  enthu 
siastic  comment. 

"Yes,  mim,"  said  Mrs.  Silk. 

Now  at  my  right  sat  the  burglar's  bride,  whom 
I  had  discovered  in  one  of  the  most  aristocratic 
residences  on  the  Fell  way.  I  had  signalled  Vivette 
to  keep  her  tale  for  the  last,  feeling  sure  that  it 
would  be  the  best  of  them  all.  I  had  found  her 
disconsolate  upon  the  floor  of  what  had  evidently 
been  a  magnificently  furnished  parlour  in  a  house 
on  the  Fen  side  of  the  Fellway,  in  tears  and 
alone.  It  had  needed,  however,  but  my  expres 
sion  of  surprise  at  her  situation  to  re-arouse  her 
own  merriment  at  the  incongruity  of  the  attitude, 
for  she  had  a  keen  sense  of  humour  and  a  very 
nimble  wit ;  a  woman,  withal,  one  could  suspect  of 
having  been  at  one  time  some  sort  of  great-grand- 
niece  to  all  the  Muses  —  a  black-eyed  jade,  and  a 
sad  flirt,  too  ;  she  had  an  acute  way  with  her  that 
quite  vanquished  my  appetite  :  she  whispered  things 
at  me,  and  she  smiled  when  there  was  no  joke  at 
all,  out  of  pure  mad-headedness.  Indeed,  she  was 
very  much  alive,  I  assure  you,  and  she  could  model 
enchanting  little  angels  out  of  bread. 

So  now,  as  we  had  been  around  the  table,  with 
the  exception  of  Solomon  Hopp's  tale,  which  you 
have  heard,  and  the  second  corner-groceryman, 
twelve  degrees  more  obtuse  than  the  first,  and  the 
female  tag-stringer,  who  was  dumb  and  deaf,  and 
118 


THE    BANQUET 


The  Definition  of  a  Thoroughbred. 


the  Human  Fly,  who  wouldn't  talk,  —  I  turned 
to  the  fascinating  creature  on  my  right,  and,  dis 
entangling  with  difficulty  my  glance  from  her 
dimples,  I  entreated  of  her  the  story  of  her  life, 
and  especially  the  secret  of  a  misfortune  that  in 
stalled  her  as  mistress  of  an  absolutely  unfurnished 
house. 

The  recollection  of  her  reverses  reduced  the 
altitude  of  her  spirits  for  a  moment,  and  with  a 
small  sigh  she  began  : 

I  WAS  once  rich,  and  was  bred  ^pjjTp'pgRf 
to  a  taste  few  acquire  in  after       yj-     '-TJJF 
life,   having  that  perfect  sense  of  7     grjR G-     t 
the    relative  importance  of  trifles          LAR'S 
that    birthmarks    the   lady.       But  T       WIFE       t 

my  father's    fortune  was    ambus-  \ M M ,. 

caded  on  the  Exchange,  and  before  he  could  rein 
force  we  were  cut  off  without  quarter.  There 
was  nothing  for  it  but  to  earn  my  own  living  ;  and 
at  an  art  store,  where  T  had  spent  appalling  sums, 
I  drew  a  slight  interest  on  my  past  generosity  in 
the  degrading  position  of  bookkeeper. 
—  It  is  a  harsh  fall  from  possession  to  poverty,  and 
I,  who  had  been  keenly  swayed  by  the  tension  of 
things  that  were  my  own,  felt  a  continuous  tide  of 
envy  scour  my  veins  in  sight  and  touch  of  the 
treasures  at  my  hand.  There  was  little  enjoyment 
for  me  in  their  presence.  I  regarded  them  as  a 
Kimberly  slave  might  a  new-found  diamond  — 
they  were  not  mine ;  and  their  beauties  but 
119 


THE    BANQUET 


God  helps  those  that  help  Themselves. 

vexed  my  spirit.  The  pictures  were  for  the 
greater  part  bought  by  the  newly  rich,  and  as  I 
charged  them  up,  I  could  imagine  the  environment 
to  which  they  were  doomed.  Those  which  I 
approved  I  relinquished  with  a  cynical  farewell, 
and  the  others  (and  there  were  many,  for  we 
catered  to  all  castes)  I  slapped  unconscionably 
upon  their  faces,  and  bade  them  good-riddance. 
My  employer  stood  in  some  fear  of  my  discrim 
ination,  and  I  was  at  times  unwillingly  forced  into 
the  shop  to  advise  some  favoured  customer ;  and 
occasionally  I  made  dignified  visits  to  their  homes, 
and  assisted  at  the  hanging. 

—  Such    delicate    nerves    as  mine  could   not  long 
endure  such  a  life  ;  the  situation  chafed  me,  and  I 
determined  to  free  myself  at  any  cost.      I  had  at 
first  some  obscure  thought  of  forging  signatures  to 
etchings,    and  by  buying  them  naked,    and  selling 
so  adorned,  to  eke  my  wages ;  but  I  was  unsatisfied 
with   the    temporary  respites  such    hazards  would 
afford,  and  I  set  my  mind  to  work.      At  about  this 
time  I  happened  upon  an  invitation  to  the  Burglars' 
Ball,  and  in  a  wink  I  caught  sight  of  the  avenue 
of  escape  ;  so  casting  aside  my  pride,  I  resolved  to 
attend  the  function,  and  prepared  myself  to  appear 
as  charming  as  I  might. 

—  It  was  a  fortunate  enterprise,  and  I  have  never 
regretted  my  part  in  it  ;  yet  the  story  of  my  woo 
ing  must   go  without   the   telling,    since  my   heart 
followed  my  wits  ;  for  I  am  too  much  the  gentle- 

120 


THE    BANQUET 


Poverty  makes  strange  Bed-fellows. 


woman  to  discuss  my  own  love  affairs  with  the 
shameless  verisimilitude  shown  by  some  of  my  sex. 
My  lover  was  bold  and  accomplished,  the  soul  of 
honour  among  his  profession,  and  handsome  as  the 
Man  with  the  Glove.  He  had  the  feeling  of  the 
artist  with  the  skill  of  the  craftsman,  and  took  a 
degree  of  pride  in  his  calling  that  made  him  exceed 
ingly  popular  among  his  patients. 

—  In  bearing  and  conversation  Leopold  was  nicely 
fitted    to   deserve  my  favours.      He   was  strict  in 
regard  to  dress  for  evening  visits  on  his  clients,  and 
always  left  his  card  in  the  hall  on  departing,  no 
matter  what  pressing  urgency  might  excuse  a  neglect 
of  the  formality.      In  all  respects,  he  seemed  au 

fait ;  yet  I  must  confess  upon  the  first  night  of  his 
operations  after  our  honeymoon  I  was  somewhat 
nervous.  I  sat  in  bed,  pretending  to  read,  but 
anxiously  eying  the  clock,  and  wondering  what 
he  would  bring  as  the  first  offering  to  his  little 
wife.  I  tried  to  imagine  him  pausing  to  decide, 
electing  at  last  some  elegant  bijou,  and  hastening 
back  to  gayly  present  the  token,  with  some  auda 
cious  compliment  studied  beneath  the  stars. 

—  But  alas  !  though  I  was  not  deceived  in  his  kind 
heart,    his  taste   was   of  a   meaner   sort,   and  as  I 
kissed  him  affectionately  on  his  return,  I  saw  that 
I  must  begin  at  the  beginning  with  him  and  teach 
him  all.      They     were     Lakeside    spoons,    of    the 
crane-and-pagoda   pattern,   and   I   silently   brought 
out  the  melting-pot  and  set  it  on  the  fire.      He  was 

121 


THE    BANQUET 


"  The  Best  is  none  too  Good  for  me,  Dear  !  " 

brave  —  he  took  it  beautifully  ;  and  we  had  a  little 
quiet  talk,  in  which  I  laid  the  foundations  of  his 
education. 

—  Queerly  enough  I  had  that  day  overheard  a  very 
amusing  conversation  at  a  jeweller's  that  Leopold's 
unfortunate  selection   brought  humourously  to  my 
mind.      It  was  between  a  violent  old  lady  with  a 
purple  veil,  who  wished  to  return  some  lovely  old 
Queen     Anne     spoons,    because     they     were     not 
marked   ''STERLING,"   and  a  salesman  who  finally 
induced  her  to  keep  them.      Now  I   had  known 
her  of  old,    in    my   picture-hanging    days,    and  I 
drew  a  little  plan  of  her  house,  on  the  back  of  an 
envelope,   for  Leopold.      "Why,  if  you  care  for 
such  things,  you  shall  have  them,  my  dear  !  "   he 
replied  gallantly,  and  he  kept  his  word  before  sun 
rise. 

—  Well,  time  passed,  and  under  such  tutelage  my 
husband  became  a  connoisseur.      One  of  my  hobbies 
was    old  china ;  and    knowing    pretty  well    what 
families  would  be  likely  to  possess  the  desired  speci 
mens  I  would  drive  around  their  way  of  a  Sunday 
afternoon  with  Leopold,  and  point  out  the  houses, 
whose  gems  he  would  next  day  bring  back  in  a  little 
padded  portmanteau  of  my  own  manufacture.      Our 
rooms  became  gradually  furnished  in  the  most  re 
fined  taste,  with  rare  odd  pieces  of  antique  furniture, 
exquisite    laces,    bibelots,    and   paintings    of  every 
description. 

—  Having  so  much,  I  must  needs  long  for  the  moon 

122 


THE   BANQUET 


The  Studio.  Modern  Art.  The  House  Beautiful. 

at  last,  and  having  heard  of  a  Corot  that  had  been 
purchased  abroad  by  one  of  my  whilom  patrons,  I 
was  out  of  my  head  to  get  it  for  my  collection. 
For  the  first  time,  however,  my  husband  refused  my 
wish.  The  undertaking,  he  said,  was  too  hazardous 
for  the  whim ;  the  picture  was  well  known  and 
heavily  insured,  and,  at  the  news  of  its  loss,  the 
town  would  get  too  hot  for  us.  I  cajoled  him  with 
every  wile  I  could  bring  to  bear,  but  he  was  firm. 
—  I  burst  into  tears  at  this  brutality,  at  which  he 
softened,  and,  after  a  bit,  agreed  to  compromise  the 
matter  by  permitting  me  to  visit  the  house  and  at  least 
see  the  masterpiece.  With  what  trepidation  I  set 
out,  I  leave  you  to  imagine.  I  became  conscious 
of  an  alarm  for  my  own  safety  that  it  had  never 
crossed  my  mind  to  feel  for  Leopold.  My  husband 
smiled  at  my  fears,  and,  with  a  little  more  bragga 
docio  than  I  thought  necessary,  opened  the  house 
for  my  inspection.  We  made  our  way  to  the 
library  (so-called),  and  Leopold  turned  the  rays  of 
his  lantern  (a  gift  of  mine,  made  from  a  Louis  XIV. 
chiselled  silver  sword-hilt)  upon  the  Corot.  I  gave 
a  little  gasp  of  contentment,  and  sat  down  to  enjoy 
its  beauties,  while  my  husband  proceeded  with  his 
work.  The  room  was  filled  with  a  marvellous  selec 
tion  of  ornaments  ;  there  was  scarce  space  to  turn 
about  in,  and,  surrounding  the  Corot  in  its  impos 
sible  frame,  were  Cupids  and  Psyches,  Spring 
times  of  Love,  Grandfather's  Darlings,  painted 
photographs,  and  the  full  regalia  of  the  Artistic 
123 


THE    BANQUET 


A  Burglar  of  Arts  from  Robbers'  University. 

Home.  The  Shearaton  chair  in  which  I  sat  was 
richly  upholstered  in  little  triangular  wads,  and  orna 
mented  with  a  heavy  woollen  fringe  ;  there  were 
wonderful  Cloisonne'  mustache  cups  in  glass  cases, 
and  the  apartment,  in  the  fantastic  light,  was  an 
equine  dream. 

—  With  a  languid  delight  I  watched  my  husband  as 
he  flitted  to  and  fro  among  the  shadows.      How 
beautifully  he  burgled  !      How  subtile  the  play  of 
his  slim  fingers,  and  the  absolute  precision  of  his 
movement  !     I  saw  that  I  had  never  before  seen 
him  at  his  best,  and  all  the  resentment  I  had  felt  at 
our  difference  fled  from  me,  and  love  resumed  full 
sway. 

—  That  night  was    the  beginning   of  a   series   of 
nocturnal  excursions   that  filled  my  life  with  new 
interests.      My  husband's  genius,  coupled  with  my 
tact  and  adaptability,  carried  us  through  the  most 
remarkable  adventures.      I  chaperoned  his  visits  to 
ladies'    apartments,  and  calmed  the  fears  of  those 
who  awakened,  by  polite  compliments.      We  were 
received  everywhere,  but  in  our  own  especial  set 
were  acknowledged  leaders.      We  entertained  gay, 
though  silent  companies   at    select  lunches   in   the 
most  aristocratic  homes,  and  our  fame  bulged  in  the 
quarter. 

—  There  were  in  town  few  residences,   however, 
which  I  could   approve,    and   the  knowledge  that 
priceless  works  of  art  should  be  cast  into  such  jun 
gles  of  poor  taste  was  a  continual   reproach  to  my 

124 


THE   BANQUET 


Honour  among  Thieves.  The  Fairyland  of  Science. 

susceptibilities.  I  began  again  to  think  meanly  of 
Leopold's  originality  at  hesitating  to  attempt  the 
conquest  of  the  gems  I  valued,  and  began,  little  by 
little,  to  supplement  his  work  by  careful  study. 

—  The  first  fruit  of  my  endeavours  was  the  acquisi 
tion  of  a  copy  of  Koster' s  "Speculum,"  one  of  the 
ten,   as    I    thought,    in    existence.      I    removed   it 
from  its  binding,   and  substituted  a  block  of  wood 
between  the  covers,  where  it  remained  dusty  and 
undisturbed  in  its  glass  case,  until  I  discovered  my 
find  was  but  an  imitation,  after  all,   when  I  con 
scientiously  returned  it  to  its  ignorant  owner. 

—  This  experience  indicated  a  wider  field  of  opera 
tion,   and   my  thoughts   dwelt   continually  on   the 
Corot,  till  at  last  I  broached  my  scheme  to  Leo 
pold.      Together  we  revisited  the  house,   and,   as 
good   fortune  would  have   it,  found   the   place  de 
serted,  and  the  furniture  and  picture  covered  with 
overalls  of  blue  denim.      The  painting  was  removed, 
and  we  made  off  in  haste,  stopping  in  ecstasy  under 
alternate  lamp-posts,  to  gloat  over  the  chef  d'ceuv re. 
The  family,  we   found,  were  away  for  a  month, 
and,  in  that  time,  I  set  myself  to  copy  the  picture. 
My  husband  suggested  photography,  but  I  scorned 
such  methods,   and  traced  as  well  as  I  could  the 
outlines,  and  had  it  drawn  in,  in  a  single  evening. 
The  colouring  was  more  difficult ;  but  I  was  bold 
and  energetic,  and  though  we  were  much  amused 
at  the  result,  I  could  not  help  feeling  there  was  a 
certain  spirit  in  the  thing  that  would  be  much  more 

125 


THE   BANQUET 


The  Biter  bit.  Assorted  Cynicisms. 

satisfactory  to  its  owner  than  the  original.  We 
were  both  a  little  nervous  until  the  household  had 
returned  ;  but  as  the  days  passed,  and  nothing 
appeared  in  the  papers,  our  confidence  increased. 

—  So  the  town  lay  before  us,  ripe  for  the  harvest, 
and  we  went   through   it  with   the   confidence  of 
children   picking    berries.       My    facility    increased 
with  practice,  and  I  found  a  welcome  remedy  for 
the   tedium    of  my   idle    days.      With   my  poorer 
efforts  I  made  bold  to  call  upon  their  rich  possessors 
in  the  guise  of  a  rejuvenator  of  pictures,  and  by  lime- 
juice,  varnish,  and  a  hint  that  genuine  Millets  were 
always  signed  in  the  left-hand  corner,  I  laid  a  con 
fusion  that  would  baulk  any  future  investigations. 

—  Yet  the  burglar's  life  is  not  a  happy  one,  after 
all ;  and  one  evening  we  returned  hilariously,  hand 
in  hand,  Leopold  with  a  new  Mura  and  I  with  a 
wonderful  Moffat-Lindner,  to  find  our  rooms  gutted 
to  the  last  frame.      To  the  infamy  of  a  handsome 
young  second-story  man,  of  whom  Leopold  asserts 
I   have   been    over-fond,   I   lay  the   wreck   of  my 
lovely  home,  and  whether  I  shall  murder  or  marry 
him  I  must  decide  before  the  next  chapter  of  this 
autobiography  is  written  ! 

"Truly,  it  is  only  the  luxuries  that  are  neces 
sary,"  mused  Vivette. 

"And   necessity  knows  no  law,"     replied   the 
burglar's  bride.      "  'Tis  strange." 

"  The    gods   give   nuts    to   those   that   have  no 
teeth,"  said  I. 

126 


THE   BANQUET 


Dianeme's  Tale  brings  down  the  House. 

"  Then  they  should  get  false  ones  !  "  said  the 
burglar's  wife  defiantly. 

At  this  the  gallant  elevator  boy  looked  up  with 
an  excited  face.  We  feared  a  conflagration,  for 
these  two  were  as  flint  and  steel,  and  the  sparks 
were  flying. 

So  at  last,  by  a  secret  signal,  Vivette  warned  me 
that  the  end  had  come  —  we  rose,  and,  walking 
on  air,  retreated  to  the  vestibule.  There  was  a 
sound  of  mallet-strokes  as  we  reached  the  street, 
a  flight  of  birds  from  the  opened  windows,  a 
battalion  of  screaming  monkeys  galloped  by  us,  and 
then,  with  a  long  rip  and  a  crash,  the  roof  fell  in  ; 
the  walls  trembled  and  bowed,  then  threw  them 
selves,  with  a  roar,  upon  the  debris. 

"My  friends,"  said  Vivette,  "no  one  shall 
ever  give  a  dinner  just  like  this  again  !  " 


127 


BOOK    V 
AT   THE    OLD    STAND 


AT   THE    OLD    STAND 

A  Model  Monthly.  A  Beggar's  Circumstanding. 


one  morning,  amusing  ourselves  pu-  A  oy-ry 
chiefly  with  the  advertisements,  for  !  p  .  rp,.,-,^,^  ' 
the  "  Twocenter  "  catered  to  rural  .J  __  M  __  M  __  j. 
readers,  and  was  bulky  with  "  general  ad's/'  skilfully 
phrased  to  wheedle  the  yops.  Its  advertising 
pages  were  far  more  interesting  than  its  legitimate 
attempts  at  literature.  We  were  grinning  at  the 
catch-penny  seductions  of  some  cheap-John  haber 
dasher  or  other,  when  the  intelligent  office-boy 
entered  with  a  wide  smile. 

"  There's  a  beggar  outside,  sir,"  said  he. 

"A  beggar?  "  cried  Vivette.  "What  does  he 
want,  pray  ?  a  half-portion  of  Romance  free  r  '  ' 

"That's  just  exactly  what  he  does  want,"  said 
the  boy.  "I  tried  to  get  rid  of  him  with  a  half- 
dollar,  for  I  didn't  want  him  to  bother  you,  but 
he  insisted  on  seeing  you,  and  said  he  was  a  charity 
patient  by  every  right  of  circumstance." 

"What  in  the  world  did  he  mean  by  that  ?" 
I  exclaimed. 

"  Perhaps  if  you  should  see  him,  sir,  you'd  under 
stand,"  said  the  boy,  with  a  certain  expression. 

"  Then  let  him  in  by  all  means,"  said  I. 

It  was,  indeed,  easy  enough  to  understand  when 
the  poor  tramp  was  admitted.  He  had  not  fooled 


AT   THE    OLD    STAND 


Romance  :  what  it  is.  What  it  is  what  ? 

our  boy  for  an  eighth  of  a  minute,  and  how  he 
had  ever  seriously  expected  to  deceive  us,  who 
knew  his  every  way  and  gesture  by  heart,  I  cannot 
imagine.  He  was  pitifully  tricked  out  in  a  red 
wig  and  the  grotesque  habiliments  of  a  mongrel, 
mouse-eaten  hurdy-gurdy  man.  His  most  coat- 
like  garment  was  silly  with  a  broidery  of  last  sum 
mer's  rags  ;  he  was  tied  together  with  strings  like 
a  gunny  sack  —  a  very  caricature  ;  but  altogether 
and  patently  disguised  with  a  malice  prepense. 
But  it  was  the  ex-director  ;  any  fly  that  had  ever 
lit  on  him  would  have  recognized  him. 

I  think  now  that  madness  had  already  laid  a  little 
finger  on  him,  he  was  so  satisfied  and  cock-sure 
of  his  masquerade.  We  said  nothing,  however, 
of  our  incredulity,  and  let  him  alone  to  see  what 
was  his  mission,  for  he  was  a  pitiful  spectacle  of 
disgrace  and  degeneration,  and  I  saw  Vivette's 
mouth  mutiny  at  the  sight. 

"My  dear  sir,"  he  began,  with  a  dignity 
that  consorted  incongruously  with  the  decay  of  his 
aspect,  —  though  he  always  loved  to  verbalize,  — 
"  Mr.  Redforth,  you  see  before  you  one  who  has 
been  the  hero  of  adventures  impossible  for  a  sane 
man  to  credit.  I  do  not,  in  point  of  fact,  expect 
you  to  be  credent  of  my  marvels,  for,  as  you  will 
no  doubt  admit,  there  is  a  subjective  province  of 
Romance  far  wider  reaching  than  the  objective  or 
literal  assemblage  of  mere  extraordinary  circum 
stance  in  which  it  is  your  business  to  deal ;  and  of 
132 


AT   THE    OLD    STAND 


An  Apologist  of  the  Decadence. 


this  habit  or  pose  of  the  imagination,  I  rely  upon 
my  word  alone  to  convince  you  that  I  am  possess 
ive." 

"  This  proposition  has  frequently  been  demon 
strated,  and  your  presentation  of  it  certainly  brands 
you  of  the  illuminati,"  I  answered  with  interest, 
"  but  I  fail  to  see  how  one  so  subtile  — too  subtile 
for  our  enterprise,  in  fact  —  can  solicit  as  alms  the 
grosser  and  more  material  episodes  we  peddle  as 
romance." 

"I  confess  I  am  somewhat  apostate  from  the 
faith, ' '  the  old  man  said,  attitudinizing  with  a  semi- 
maudlin  majesty.  "I  have  backslidden.  I  know 
there  is  a  romantic  aspect  to  the  most  common 
place  realities  if  one  has  the  eye  to  see ;  that  a 
charm  and  glamour  may  be  made  to  surround 
drudgery  and  squalour ;  that  one  may  go  through 
life  guarded  from  vulgarity  by  the  mailed  coat  of 
idealism  ;  but  I  have  fallen,  I  have  become  sensual, 
I  crave  the  spur  of  the  stinging,  brutal  fact.  I 
grow  myopic,  and  the  delicate  half-tone  is  lost  on 
me  —  I  thirst  for  the  revelry  of  the  strong  primary 
colours." 

"Your  life  must,  indeed,  have  been  highly 
flavoured,"  I  ventured. 

"Listen!"  the  ancient  rascal  continued,  hur 
rying  at  the  bait.  "In  my  youth  I  was  rich 
beyond  the  wildest  modern  improbability  ;  I  fell 
insanely  enamoured  of  a  girl  of  humble  birth  ;  I 
was  entrapped  by  my  guardian  and  imprisoned  on 
133 


AT   THE    OLD   STAND 


We  give  an  Eleemosynary  Aid. 


the  steam  yacht  *  Wraith  ;  '  we  were  captured  by 
pirates  in  the  bay  of  Lemark  ;  there  was  murder 
galore  before  I  escaped  ;  there  were  subterranean 
passages,  slaves  with  their  tongues  cut  out,  ghosts, 
and  dire,  blood-curdling  vendettas,  rapine  and 
witchery  ;  the  girl,  meanwhile,  had  married  an 
earl ;  a  stroke  of  lightning  freed  her ;  we  met  at 
midnight  to  plight  our  troth  ;  conspirators  em 
broiled  me  in  their  treasons ;  I  languished  for 
months  under  false  suspicion ;  the  time  was  set  for 
my  execution  ;  remorse  and  suicide  exonerated 
me  ;  I  married,  my  sainted  wife  died,  I  married 
again,  and  again,  and  again,  and  again,"  — 

I  had  to  stop  him  here,  for  fear  of  the  prolixity 
of  his  verisimilitude.  "  But  what  can  we  do  for 
one  who  has  been  such  a  prodigal  ?  "  I  said. 

"  Can  you  imagine  my  degradation  —  can  you 
picture  to  yourself  what  it  means  to  be  a  hurdy- 
gurdy  man  ?  I  have  been  fairly  boiled  in  excite 
ment  from  my  youth  up,  I  have  been  pickled  in 
mysteries  ;  for  the  love  of  her  there,  for  I  see  you 
beatified," — and  he  posed  at  Vivette,  —  "  grant 
me  a  cold  handful  of  sensation  !  " 

"Enough  of  this  !  "  I  cried,  for  his  person 
alities  shocked  me,  and  I  began  to  suspect  his 
motives.  "Leave  the  room,  if  you  please,  for  we 
can  do  nothing  for  your  sort." 

Vivette  had  been  a  curious  listener  at  the  collo 
quy,  nodding  and  patronizing  his  periods.  Her 
heart  winced  at  his  suffering  and  at  the  memory 
134 


AT   THE    OLD    STAND 


And  start  him  in  a  fascinating  Trade. 


of  his  past  establishment,  his  very  quondam  stater 
that  is,  not  this  furious  fib- work. 

"Oh,  Robin,"  she  pleaded,  "  don't  refuse  him 
alms  !  —  let  me  offer  a  dole  to  test  his  sincerity. 
Here,  old  man,  I  give  you  an  acorn  from  which  a 
giant  bole  shall  emerge!"  and  she  handed  him 
the  copy  of  the  "  Twocenter." 

"Madam,"  replied  the  ex-director,  saluting 
her  with  an  elaborate  salaam,  "  be  my  thanks  of 
the  immensity  of  that  oak,  which  you  shall  teach 
me  to  cultivate."  Indeed,  he  was  not  so  dense, 
after  all,  — he  who  had  been  a  director  ! 

I  had  seen  many  a  game  of  blarney  played  in 
that  office,  mot,  but  I  ran  aground  on  this  half- 
tide  of  nonsense,  and  gaped  at  her. 

"  Look  at  the  advertising  pages,"  said  Vivette  -r 
"  there's  more  fun  there  than  in  a  county  fair  ! 
Listen  here  —  I'll  present  you  with  a  capital  of  one 
dollar,  that  you  are  to  invest  as  the  '  Twocenter  * 
bids  you.  Do  you  see  the  free  samples  that  are  to 
be  had  for  the  asking  ?  Do  you  see  the  illustrated 
catalogues  ?  Do  you  see  the  agency  offers  ? 
Here's  work  to  keep  your  mail-carrier  running  for 
a  year  !  Now  this  is  what  you  are  to  do  :  you're 
to  answer  every  blessed  one  of  those  advertisements 
and  you'll  have  amusement  enough." 

She  knew  what  she  was  talking  about  when  she 

mentioned  the  mail  that  he  would  receive,  for  it 

had  been  his  chief  function  in  the  old  days  to  open 

the  letters,  and  he  was  as  pleased  as  a  child  at  the 

135 


AT    THE    OLD    STAND 


A  Word  to  the  Wise.  A  Sport  for  the  Silly  Season. 

prospect  of  being  favoured  by  the  postman.  He 
thanked  her  with  tears  in  his  eyes,  and  hobbled  out. 

ft  Well,  we  got  rid  of  him  cheaply  enough,"  I 
said,  after  he  had  left. 

"  Don't  you  believe  it,  the  fun  has  only  begun," 
said  Vivette  with  a  wise  look.  "I  gave  him  a 
bargain-sale  bonanza. ' ' 

We  heard  no  more  of  him  for  several  months, 
when  the  office-boy  told  us  he  had  seen  the  old 
man  driving  a  pedlar's  cart  in  the  suburbs  of 
Millamours.  "  What  does  this  mean  ?  "  I  asked 
Vivette. 

"He's  realizing  on  his  samples,"   she  replied. 

"  But  you  gave  him  only  a  dollar,"  I  said. 

"Did  you  never  enliven  the  tedium  of  a  sum 
mer  vacation,  when  every  one  except  you  was 
getting  letters,  by  answering  advertisements  ? ' ' 

"  Why,  no  !  "   said  I ;  "  have  you  ?  ' ' 

"  Didn't  you  ever  write  to  the  men  who 
promise  'Eighteen  Dollars  a  Week,  Easy/  by  taking 
the  agency  or  canvassing  for  hitching-posts  ?  You 
know  when  you  once  get  started  you  can't  leave 
off  if  you  want  to  ;  you  get  put  into  advertisers' 
directories,  and  you  don't  have  to  write  any  more, 
but  they  just  send  and  send  and  send  you  things,  — 
all  sorts  of  things,  all  sorts  of  people  do,  — and 
you  get  samples  of  cologne  and  soap  and  rubber- 
stamp  outfits  and  pins  and  coffee,  in  fact  «  every 
thing  that  begins  with  R,'  as  the  March  hare 
would  say.  And  you  can  have  the  exclusive 
136 


AT   THE    OLD   STAND 


Cf.  the  Fable  of  the  Peasant  and  the  Viper. 

territorial  agency  for  as  many  things  as  you  want. 
Indeed,  it's  very  exciting  !  " 

"  Then  the  ex-director  is  selling  his  samples  !  " 

"Undoubtedly,"  said  Vivette  ;  "and  I  have  no 
doubt  he's  getting  rich." 

I  was  a  little  sorry  for  this,  for  I  had  considered 
him  dangerous  ever  since  his  attempt  to  steal  the 
Memoirs,  and  I  feared  his  money  would  enable 
him  to  plot  more  successfully.  But  Vivette  did  not 
share  my  fears,  for  she  said  he  would  never  dare, 
and  that  she  knew  things  about  him  that  put  him 
in  her  power.  What  they  were  she  would  never 
tell  very  definitely,  but  I  could  not  help  feeling 
that  they  had  to  do  with  the  volumes  of  the  Asso 
ciation's  Memoirs  that  she  had  kept  in  cipher, 
before  I  knew  her. 

It  was  not  long  after  this  that  the  old  director 
had  the  confidence  to  call  again,  ostensibly  to  thank 
Vivette  for  her  kind  offices.  He  had,  as  she  had 
anticipated,  made  large  use  of  the  hint  she  had 
given  him,  and  had  progressed  through  the  various 
stages  of  peddling  and  huckstering,  with  basket, 
barrow,  and  van,  till,  as  his  mail  was  still  bulky 
with  samples,  he  had  taken  a  little  shop  in  Maldi- 
vers,  where  he  was  agent  for  as  many  as  sixty  - 
four  several  novelties. 

It  was  Vivette  told  me  this,  for  I  had  been 
away  and  she  had  seen  him.  Had  she  left  him 
alone  at  all  ?  Only  once,  for  a  few  minutes. 

I  went  up  to  the  cabinet  over  the  desk,  and  my 
137 


AT   THE    OLD    STAND 


Rape  of  the  File.  The  Beatitude  of  the  Boy. 

heart  sank  as  I  saw  the  vacant  space  on  the  second 
shelf.      Three  volumes  of  the   Memoirs  were  miss 
ing  !      Vivette  was  strangely  disturbed. 
tCHAPTEk!    '-pHE    office-boy  was   to   be 

II      THE  married.      He    offered    me 

|       '    Qpp      T     a  shy  half-confidence    anent  the 

MENT  k*gh  power  of  his  happiness,  but 

5 n M t     to  Vivette  he  gave  freely,  and  she 

was  pleased  and  touched  to  a  very  grateful  degree 
by  his  trust  and  his  manliness.  She  was  never 
tired  of  listening  to  the  story  of  his  passion,  and  he 
was  never  wearied  of  discussing  the  wonders  of 
the  Girl.  But  while  he  favoured  her  so  partially 
with  his  sentiment,  it  was  to  me  he  came  at  last 
for  advice.  I  had  seen  for  some  time  that  there 
was  something  on  his  mind  that  he  wished  to 
launch,  and  I  was  not  surprised,  though  I  own  I 
was  somewhat  curious,  when  one  day  he  came  to 
me  and  asked  for  a  private  interview. 

"Mr.  Redforth,"  he  began,  "you  know,  of 
course,  that  I  am  betrothed  to  the  Dearest  Girl  in 
the  World,''  and  he  looked  up  with  a  little  bra 
vado,  as  if  he  had  expected  me  to  deny  it.  I 
nodded  gravely.  ft  I  am  a  poor  boy,  you  know, 
also,  Mr.  Redforth  ;  I  have  only  my  salary  from 
the  Association." 

"Rest  easy  on  that  score,  Leander,"  I  said; 
"your  salary  is  to  be  doubled  after  the  wedding, 
and  if  you  would  like  an  advance  "  — 

"  Oh,  Mr.  Redforth!  "  he  protested,  with  tears 
138 


AT   THE    OLD   STAND 


An  Illustrated  Catalogue  of  Charms  and  Tokens. 

in  his  eyes,  "  it  isn't  that ;  surely  you  don't  think 
so  badly  of  me  !  There  is  nothing  I  could  buy, 
if  I  had  money  to  buy  it  with,  that's  good  enough 
for  the  Girl,  and  I  am  not  fool  enough  to  give  her 
a  bought-and-paid-for  present.  I  know  how  it 
would  make  her  feel  ;  there  are  so  many  things  so 
much  more  precious,  sir,  —  why,  all  she  has  to 
wear  for  our  troth-plight  is  a  little  carnelian  ring  I 
had  when  I  was  a  boy,  and  it  made  her  cry  when 
I  gave  it  to  her,  Mr.  Redforth  !  But  it  was  not 
because  it  was  cheap  and  poor!  " 

"She  is  a  noble-hearted  girl,  Leander,"  I  said, 
and  I  meant  it  with  all  my  heart,  I  am  sure. 
"  Pure  and  simple  and  true,  besides  all  the  rest  she 
is  that  one  can  tell  at  a  glance." 

"  Thank  you,  sir,"  the  boy  said,  and  he 
choked  a  little  as  he  spoke;  "there's  another 
woman  that's  all  of  that,  too,  and  I  hope  you  are 
sure  of  how  much  I  feel  it,  and  know  it,  for  it's 
partly  because  of  her  that  I  want  to  ask  you  the 
favour.  You  see,  sir,  the  Girl  has  never  had  much 
fun  in  her  life  ;  she's  had  a  rather  dreary  time  of 
it,  staying  at  home  with  her  mother,  and  all  like 
that.  I  don't  think  she  really  understands  what 
real  romance  is,  hardly,  sir." 

"Ah,  yes,  she  does,  my  boy,  if  I  can  read  her 
eyes  ;  she  has  the  very  highest  in  her  life  now, 
and  she  knows  it,  too!  " 

"  Of  course,  that  way,"  the  boy  admitted,  "but 
she  hasn't  been  excited  in  the  way  some  people 
139 


AT   THE    OLD    STAND 


A  Wedding-  Present  taken  out  in  Trade. 

have  been  ;  she  has  always  known  pretty  well 
what  was  going  to  happen  to-morrow,  and  all  like 
that.  Now  it  seems  to  me  that  if  a  man  and  a 
girl  are  ever  going  to  have  a  romantic  time  it 
ought  to  be  when  they're  getting  married  ;  but 
it's  all  going  so  smooth  and  easy  now  that  we're 
not  having  half  the  fun  out  of  it  that  we  should. 
It  isn't  for  myself  I'm  speaking,  for  I  couldn't  be 
happier  ;  but  don't  you  think  it  would  be  fine  if  it 
could  be  so  dramatic  that  she'd  always  look  back 
at  it  with  a  thrill,  and  tell  about  how  it  happened, 
and  all  like  that  ?" 

"What  in  the  world  are  you  driving  at?"  I 
asked  him. 

"I  want  to  elope  with  her,"  said  the  boy,  a 
little  bashfully. 

"  Then  why  not  do  it  ?  "  I  queried. 

"Why,  any  way  I  could  propose  it  would  be 
absurd,  for  she's  an  orphan  and  there's  no  one  in 
the  world  to  object  so  as  to  make  any  reason  for 
running  away." 

"  Well,  what  do  you  want  me  to  do  about  it  ?  " 

"I  really  don't  care,  as  long  as  we  have  a 
romantic  marriage,"  he  said  ;  and  then,  being  a  boy 
with  a  great  deal  of  tact,  he  left  the  room. 

It  was  assuredly  a  tale  for  Vivette,  and  to  her  I 
took  it  and  told  it,  to  her  great  interest.  "  The  poor 
younket  !  "  she  said,  laughing.  "  He  shall  have  his 
kitten's  eyes  opened,  so  he  shall.  Indeed,  she's  a 
nice  Girl,  and  I'm  glad  he  asked  us,  for  we  can 
140 


AT   THE    OLD    STAND 


Prospiracy.  A  Sheep  in  Wolf's  Clothing. 

give  her  the  time  of  her  life  !  It  will  all  come  out 
of  my  pocket,  though,  for  she'll  hate  me  for  it  for 
a  good  while." 

f '  And  how  shall  we  manage  it,  then  ?  "    said  I. 

"  Listen  here,"  said  Vivette  ;  "  you  know  she's 
an  orphan,  and  I  believe  that  there  has  been  no 
guardian  appointed  since  her  mother  died,  last  year  ; 
there's  been  no  one  closely  enough  interested  to  see 
that  it  has  been  done.  Now  there's  the  only 
chance.  Have  me  appointed  guardian  for  the  few 
months  left  of  her  minority,  and  then  I  will  refuse 
my  consent  to  the  marriage,  and  they'll  be  the 
happiest  couple  alive.  I'll  do  the  hard-hearted 
parent  till  she  consents  to  elope  with  him,  for  she's 
a  nice  girl,  and  it  will  take  a  great  deal  to  persuade 
her.  But  Robin  !  won't  it  be  fun  ?  " 

The  thing  was  easily  managed,  as  Vivette  had 
proposed,  with  the  connivance  of  the  boy,  who 
was  overjoyed  at  the  prospect.  The  Girl  had, 
indeed,  long  been  a  favourite  of  Vivette,  and  the  new 
role  of  protegee  was  not  a  strange  one.  Vivette  was 
endeared  to  her  ward,  besides,  by  many  a  little 
kindness  and  confidence,  so  that  the  new  associa 
tion  was  a  delight  to  both,  and  the  Girl  fell  into 
the  life  at  our  Sister-street  house  as  if  she  had 
always  been  with  us  as  an  adopted  daughter.  All 
this  made  it  rather  hard  for  Vivette  to  break  the 
thread  of  the  harmony  that  bound  us  all  together  ;  it 
seemed,  sometimes,  a  cruel  thing  to  do,  and  yet  we 
both  knew,  as  the  boy  knew,  that  it  was  far  better 
141 


AT   THE    OLD    STAND 


I  love.  You  love.  He  loves. 

for  the  Girl  to  be  aroused  from  the  peaceful  leth 
argy  of  her  content,  that  she  might  feel  the  quick 
ening  spirit  of  rapture  that  was  her  right. 

The  Girl  had  grown  to  love  Vivette  as  an  elder 
sister.  It  was  now  to  be  seen  whether  her  love  for 
the  boy  would  stand  the  test  of  a  rupture  with  her 
guardian.  So  Vivette  at  last  summoned  her  resolu 
tion,  for  she  felt  as  if  she  were  about  to  perform  an 
operation  ;  and  as  gently  as  possible,  yet  firmly,  as 
was  necessary,  she  told  the  Girl  that  the  boy  was 
no  fit  husband  for  her,  that  she  thought  the  match 
ill-advised,  and  that  it  would  be  far  better  were  the 
wedding  indefinitely  postponed.  The  Girl  listened 
with  big  eyes  and  choking  breath,  and  at  the  end 
she  broke  into  sobs.  "But  I've  promised  to 
marry  him  !  "  she  said.  Vivette  shut  her  eyes  and 
drove  the  stroke  home.  "  Then  you  must  break 
off  the  engagement,"  she  said,  without  daring  to 
look  at  the  Girl,  "for  I  shall  never  give  my 
consent." 

"  Oh,  Vivette  !  "  gasped  the  Girl,  in  an  agony  of 
consternation  and  despair,  f< think  of  what  you're 
saying,  and  what  it  means  to  me  !  Oh,  I  should 
think  you'd  do  as  you'd  want  to  be  done  by  !  " 

"Indeed,  that's  just  what  I  am  doing  !"  said 
Vivette,  looking  away.  Then  when  she  had  com 
posed  herself,  she  said,  ''It's  for  your  own  good, 
dear;  you  don't  know  when  you're  well  off." 

"  But    we    were    to    have    had    such    a    happy 
marriage,"   sobbed  the  Girl. 
142 


AT    THE    OLD    STAND 


We  love.  You  love.  They  love. 

"  Indeed,  I  intend  that  you  shall  have  a  happier 
one  ! ' '  Vivette  said,  smiling. 

"  I  shall  never  marry  any  one  else  !  "  cried  the 
Girl,  with  a  fine  action. 

"  Shall  you  marry  without  my  consent  ?  "  asked 
Vivette,  anxious  as  to  what  she  would  answer. 

''Indeed  I  shall,  if  Leander  will  marry  me  !  " 
said  the  Girl  proudly. 

The  strain  was  too  much  for  Vivette,  and  she 
ran  away  upstairs  and  came  to  me  weeping  a  little 
hysterically.  "Oh,  it  was  awful!"  she  cried. 
"I  wouldn't  do  it  for  any  one  else  in  the  world 
again,  not  even  for  you,  Robin,  —  my  heart  is 
almost  broken  !  But  she  stood  up  to  me,  though, 
and  I'm  proud  of  my  ward,  and  you  and  Leander 
will  have  to  do  the  rest." 

Leander  was  tremendously  set  up  when  he 
heard  of  the  Girl's  challenge,  and  he  set  about  the 
arrangements  for  the  escapade  with  a  pride  and 
confidence  in  the  lady  of  his  choice  lovely  to  see. 
I  had  joined  my  protest  to  Vivette' s  remonstrance, 
but  the  Girl  had  refused  to  discuss  the  subject  with 
us.  Her  one  fear  was  that  the  boy  would  lose  his 
situation  in  the  Association  if  he  defied  us,  but 
the  boy  swore  bravely  that  he  could  bring  us 
around,  or,  failing  that,  that  he  could  succeed  as 
well  elsewhere. 

He  had  a  great  to-do  with  her,  however,  when 
it  came  to  the  pinch  of  an  actual  runaway.  She 
blew  hot  and  blew  cold,  and  her  devotion  to  us 
143 


AT   THE    OLD    STAND 


Uncertainties  in  the  Use  of  damp  Fireworks. 

for  our  past  friendship  fought  with  her  love  for  the 
boy  and  his  intense  desire  to  carry  her  away  in 
spite  of  our  refusal.  We  had  begun  to  be  more 
and  more  strict  with  her,  and  to  finish  it,  for  it 
wore  on  Vivette  harshly,  we  had  refused  to  allow 
the  Girl  to  receive  letters  from  her  lover.  If  she 
hadn't  been  the  Dearest  Girl  in  the  World,  she  would 
have  suspected  such  an  absurd  interference,  but  she 
had  at  last  begun  to  taste  the  delight  of  a  true  love 
that  did  not  run  smooth,  and  I  fancy  her  first  dip 
into  clandestine  correspondence  went  to  her  head. 
Love  had  taught  cunning  even  to  Innocence,  and 
after  that  Innocence  took  the  game  into  her  own 
hands. 

We  were  now  ready  for  the  consummation. 
The  boy  was  in  the  eighth  heaven  of  delight,  and 
the  Girl  was  demure,  but  constrained.  It  was 
arranged  between  them,  we  found,  that  they  were 
to  meet  at  the  Moonlight  inn  on  Tuesday  morn 
ing  ;  the  boy  was  to  be  there  with  horses  waiting, 
and  they  were  to  gallop  across  country  to  Joyeuse. 
All  that  evening  she  kept  her  room,  writing,  but 
she  came  down  at  ten  to  bid  us  good-night.  She 
had  more  than  forgiven  us  by  this  time,  though  she 
didn't  know  it,  for  she  was  up  to  her  ears  in 
mystery,  and  her  eyes  were  well  lighted.  She 
gave  us  a  sweet  good-night  ;  but  a  blind  man 
could  have  told  by  her  manner  there  was  some 
thing  burning,  and  we  could  scarce  forbear  smiling. 
Nor  could  we  help  sniffling  a  little  at  the  note  she 
144 


AT   THE    OLD    STAND 


The  Anise- hunt.  The  Bushment. 

left  for  us  in  the  morning,  for  at  nine  we  found 
the  bird  had  flown,  and  a  note,  confessing  every 
thing,  on  her  table. 

Up  and  abroad  were  the  boy  and  Girl,  and  up 
and  abroad  were  we.  We  tracked  her  first  to  the 
general  delivery  window  at  the  post-office,  where 
she  was  getting  her  last  word,  and  we  had  hard 
work  to  keep  from  colliding  her,  so  deep  she  was 
in  the  boy's  letter.  (He  could  write,  for  Vivette 
and  I  had  taught  him  !)  When  she  did  see  us, 
she  was  off  like  a  mad  kite  —  the  hunt  was  up. 
She  ran  down  and  hailed  a  cab,  and  we  chartered 
a  four-wheeler  and  steamed  off  to  hold  her  in 
sight.  There  was  a  white  face  at  the  window  of 
her  carriage  as  she  skived  the  first  corner  ;  her  heart 
was  at  work  !  What  would  we  not  have  given  to 
taste  her  suspense  !  We  trailed  her  at  a  sharp  trot 
to  the  Moonlight  inn,  and  lay  in  wait  behind  the 
transept  of  Fellside  chapel  to  give  her  tune.  I  had 
my  own  horses  ready  for  the  last  dash,  and  before 
long  she  came  cantering  out  of  the  yard,  with  a  led 
horse,  much  to  our  surprise.  We  found  afterwards 
that  the  boy  had  had  a  breakdown,  and  he  joined 
the  game,  as  it  was,  only  by  a  hard  cross-cut 
through  the  Fells.  As  her  bad  (or  was  it  good  ?) 
luck  would  have  it,  some  dolt  of  a  stable-boy  had 
put  men's  saddles  on  both  horses,  and  in  terror  lest 
we  should  overtake  her  she  had  climbed  up  and 
was  off  with  the  boy's  horse  in  tow  to  head  him 
off.  She  was  about  a  block  away  when  she  dis- 
145 


AT   THE    OLD    STAND 


A  Foursome.  A  Play  for  the  Gallery. 

covered  the  ambuscade,  sitting  her  strawberry  roan 
like  an  Amazon,  astride  of  course,  but  with  her 
skirts  beautifully  managed.  As  she  whirled  around 
with  her  mounts  I  swung  Vivette  up  to  the  top  of 
her  chestnut  and  vaulted  aboard  myself.  And 
then,  at  this  crisis,  as  if  it  had  been  rehearsed  like 
a  church  wedding,  the  boy  appeared  in  a  glade 
of  the  Fells,  and  gave  a  shout  at  her. 

He  was  at  the  apex  of  a  triangle,  of  which  the 
Girl  and  we  marked  the  ends  of  the  base.  She 
had  a  clean  race  at  him,  but  Vivette  and  I  had  a 
stiff  wall  to  take,  which  was  just  what  was  wanted 
to  handicap  us  prettily.  So  the  three  of  us 
started,  pell-mell,  the  Girl  thrashing  at  the  roan  and 
kicking  the  boy's  horse  like  a  circus  rider.  She 
charged  up  to  him  and  was  piled  up  on  her  horse's 
neck  with  the  impetus,  but  before  she  reached  him 
I  had  pulled  a  revolver  and  banged,  I  won't  say  at 
him,  but  forbye.  The  Girl  screamed  and  Vivette 
screamed,  for  she  always  balked  at  firearms  ;  but 
the  boy  had  insisted  upon  this  point. 

By  this  time  he  had  mounted,  and  he  shook  his 
fist  at  me,  full  of  a  fine  impudence,  and  we  a-dying 
with  laughter. 

"  Come  back,  you  young  ruffian  !  "  I  yelled  at 
him.  "  Come  back  with  my  ward,  you  kidnapper, 
or  I'll  shoot  straighter  !  " 

He  threw  a  kiss  at  Vivette,  a  little  out  of  his 
head  with  the  whirl  of  the  drama,  and  they  pelted 
down  the  bridlepath  at  a  hard  run,  singing  together 
146 


AT   THE    OLD    STAND 


The  Hare  chases  the  Hounds.  Reveille. 

like  blackbirds  ;  hatless,  both  of  them,  before  this. 
We  closed  in  after  them,  galloping  hand  in  hand 
as  we  had  practised  many  a  time  in  Maldivers, 
velping  like  puppies  on  an  afternoon  chase. 

Now  we  had  the  misfortune  to  have  the  best 
horses  of  the  party,  and  we  began  to  overhaul  them 
hand  over  hand.  "Faith,  we'll  ride  them  down 
in  another  minute,"  said  Vivette  ;  "I'm  going  to 
accomplish  an  accident  !  "  and  she  gave  a  scream, 
and,  I  don't  know  how,  fell  on  the  off  side  of  her 
roan.  It  was  a  little  too  candid  for  me,  and  I 
dropped  off  in  a  lump  to  pick  her  up.  "They're 
safe  now,  and  we've  done  our  share,"  she  said, 
as  I  brushed  her  off.  But  then  she  cried,  "Did 
you  ever !  The  dear,  blessed  Chinaman  !  She's 
coming  back!  " 

It  was,  indeed,  too  much  for  the  Dearest  Girl  in 
the  World.  She  had  caught  sight  of  the  fall, 
over  shoulder,  and  here  she  came  back  with  a  white 
face,  on  foot,  running  like  a  deer  to  Vivette' s  assist 
ance.  Vivette  caught  her  in  her  arms,  and  then 
whether  they  were  crying  or  laughing  together, 
I  couldn't  tell.  The  boy  looked  at  the  Girl  as 
though  he  couldn't  look  hard  enough,  and  I 
looked  at  the  boy.  I  don't  think  either  of  us  ever 
came  quite  as  near  to  tears  for  many  a  day  after. 

"Go  away,  bad  boys,  and  leave  us  ;  I  want 
to  talk  to  the  Dearest  Girl  in  the  World  !  "  said 
Vivette,  with  a  radiant  look  at  her  ward. 

So,  in  a  half  an  hour,  four  rollicking  riders  swung 
147 


AT   THE    OLD    STAND 


A  Child  of  Nature  who  takes  after  her  Mother. 

up  to  the  rectory  at  Joyeuse,  though  only  two  had 
been  expected. 

iTr^^OTl^rt  T^HE      anniversary     of     our 
T  CriAr  1  liKr  ,,.  J.       . 

Ill      EXIT  wedding  was  at  hand,   and 

I VIVETTE  1  to  renew  our  y°utn  we  resolved 

5 f-j (..] £  to  play  truant,  and  brew  a  little 

June  gladness  together. 

How  strange  it  seemed  to  be  back  in  Maldi- 
vers  at  last  !  It  tasted  bitter-sweet,  as  revisitations 
use,  for  here  was  the  sovereignty  of  our  honeymoon 
achieved,  and  though  it  showed  now  as  beautiful, 
it  was  subtly  changed  in  colour  as  by  the  turn  of  a 
season. 

We  pattered  down  the  old  lane,  gay  as  larks, 
with  the  same  old-time  delight  of  existence  in  us, 
—  ah,  Vivette  still  had  fuel  to  feed  my  fire,  and  will 
have,  please  God,  forever  !  I  was  a  very  story 
book  hero  that  day  for  the  steady  glow  of  love  that 
warmed  me  ;  the  spring  wind  captured  my  mood, 
and  she  had  but  to  catch  my  hand  as  we  walked 
and  it  set  me  a-crowing  like  a  game-cock.  She 
walked  bareheaded,  smelling  at  the  pine-breeze, 
and  I  did  not  notice  that  she  was  quieter  than 
usual,  or,  if  I  did,  I  set  it  down  to  the  open  air 
and  the  voices  of  mother  earth  that  often  domi 
nated  her  as  nothing  in  town  ever  could. 

We  found  the  tavern,  and  after  we  had  heard  the 

gossip  of  the  village   we  made  a  long  evening  of  it 

before  the  fire,  she  browning  her  bare  toes  at  the 

andirons,    and    I    watching    the    flames    over    her 

148 


AT   THE    OLD    STAND 


Law  of  Compensation.  Fete  or  Fate? 

shoulder.  She  was  very  still.  The  past  year 
flickered  like  a  spectre  in  the  fire,  and  our  thoughts 
crossed  and  recrossed  each  other,  as  a  chance  word 
tied  them  together  with  a  common  recollection, 
whence  they  diverged  again,  in  chase  of  our  erring 
fancies. 

Suddenly  I  felt  Vivette  clasp  my  hands.  "It 
will  storm,"  she  said,  trembling  ;  st  I  can't  bear 
it  to-night  !  " 

She  was  not  mistaken,  for,  as  it  is  often  enough 
the  case,  she  felt  the  approach  of  a  thunder-storm, 
and  suffered  pitifully  while  it  lasted.  She  was  a 
foundling,  you  remember,  and  it  was  her  belief 
that  she  had  been  born  on  such  a  night.  She  was 
troubled  by  the  vague  imagining  as  to  her  unknown 
parents  that  came  over  her  at  these  times,  and  she 
seemed  so  far  away  from  me  that  I  could  not  com 
fort  her.  There  was  an  hour  of  torture  for  us 
both,  but  she  met  it  bravely. 

The  next  day  was  pure  June  —  clear  and  mild, 
with  a  promise  of  summer  to  be  joyously  fulfilled, 
and  we  were  out  at  daybreak  and  romped  till  the 
dew  dried.  It  was  at  breakfast  that  we  first  heard 
of  the  fair  that  was  on,  and  Vivette  was  in  a  high 
tension  of  excitement  at  the  merry-making,  for  it 
was  to  be  the  event  of  the  season  in  Maldivers,  and 
not  to  be  missed.  So  there  we  went  straightway 
to  renew  our  youth  with  the  country-folk  —  to  pat 
prize  babies,  and  to  see  the  side  shows. 

Vivette  played  fast  and  loose  with  one  revel  after 
149 


AT   THE    OLD    STAND 


Pink  Lemonade.  Aspirations.        Tricks  in  all  Trades. 

another,  tasting  one  primitive  bliss,  then  passing  on 
to  the  next,  and  returning  to  the  most  satisfactory. 
She  was  a  master-hand  at  the  ring-tossing,  despoil 
ing  the  proprietor  of  a  full  dozen  Japanese  parasols, 
with  which  booty  she  laded  me.  We  interviewed 
the  monstrosities,  and  ate  all  those  things  that  one 
ought  to  eat  at  a  county  fair.  Where  went  her 
pink  sun-bonnet,  there  was  a  bunch  of  ladkins  to 
chorus  her  laughter  —  had  there  been  a  Maypole 
I  would  have  been  a  king,  no  doubt,  for  the  sun 
shone  that  day  and  she  bloomed  like  a  rose.  And 
so  by  degrees  we  rollicked  on  with  the  rest  of 
the  innocents  till  we  came  to  the  balloon  enclosure, 
for  there  was  to  be  an  ascension  at  four  o'clock, 
and  behind  the  canvas  screen  the  big  globe  was 
rocking  like  a  fat  pippin  in  a  tub  of  soft  water. 

Needs  must  but  she  should  go  inside  and  specu 
late  upon  the  air-ship,  and  we  found  the  bird  tied  in 
its  cage  moaning  for  its  freedom.  "  Oh,  for  a  sail 
in  that  chariot!"  sighed  Vivette  ;  "it  would  be 
like  dreaming,  sure  !  "  She  climbed  into  the  basket 
with  her  parasols,  and  then  looked  up.  "  We 
might  climb  up  just  to  that  first  cloud,"  she  said, 
with  a  far-away  look,  and  very  seriously. 

ft  I've  a  mind  to  try  it  with  you,"  said  I. 

"Oh,  no,  Robin  !  "  she  cried,  a  little  wildly, 
I  thought.  But  I  had  begun  loosing  the  ropes. 

* «  Do  you  see  that  toe  ?  ' '  she  said,  forcing  her 
foot  through  a  hole  in  the  wicker.  I  kissed  the 
point  of  it  obediently.  She  had  a  way  of  putting 
150 


AT   THE    OLD    STAND 


A  Problem  with  Two  unknown  Quantities. 

a  little  shoe  between  the  balusters  as  I  went  down 
stairs  of  a  morning  ;  and  "  Come  here,  while  I 
whisper,"  she  said.  I  held  my  head  very  close. 
"  Do  you  love  me?"  she  whispered,  very  small 
indeed.  I  didn't  say  no.  "Always?"  she 
insisted,  with  a  demisemiqiiaver.  I  looked  at  her 
fearfully,  for  she  was  sobered.  tf  Forever, 

Vivette  !  "  I  said,  with  a  little  gulp.  She  had 
grown  pale.  "I  wonder  who  was  my  mother  ?  " 
she  said  to  herself,  but  half  aloud.  "  Forever, 
then,  Robin,  —  'tis  a  long  time!" 

I  forced  a  smile,  and  ran  back  to  the  gate  and 
up  the  lane  a  way,  to  see  that  the  watchman  had 
not  returned.  As  I  turned,  I  saw  a  figure  drop 
from  the  platform  of  the  tent  opposite  the  entrance, 
and  hurriedly  cross  the  street.  There  was  some 
thing  queerly  familiar  about  his  appearance,  and  I 
hesitated,  dazed  by  the  uncertainty  of  the  resem 
blance.  Who  was  it  ?  In  a  flash  it  came  back  to 
me.  It  was  the  old  ex-director  of  the  Romance 
Association  !  A  fearful  presentiment  came  over  me, 
and  I  jumped  forward  in  a  run.  But  it  was  too  late. 
There  was  a  yell  from  the  crowd  around  me  that 
sung  in  my  ears  like  a  tempest.  Even  then  I  was 
too  bewildered  to  think.  A  man  pointed  upward. 
There,  in  mid-air,  was  the  balloon,  climbing  towrard 
the  nearest  cloud,  and  over  the  ledge  of  the  basket 
a  small  face,  and  an  arm  outstretched.  It  rose 
higher  and  higher,  and  when  it  was  a  marble's  size 
there  fluttered  out  a  shower  of  tiny  parachutes.  A 


AT   THE    OLD    STAND 


A  Case  of  suspended  Animation. 


westerly  wind  bore  the  balloon  up  into  the  blue  ;  it 
became  a  dot  —  then  disappeared.  I  had  broken 
into  the  enclosure,  but  no  one  was  there. 

A  Japanese  parasol  fell  at  my  feet  —  upon  it  was 
scrawled  in  a  wild  hand  the  word  "  Forever!  " 


And  so  O  Tamaitai  ends  the  sprightly  History  of 

the  gay  Vivette  her  merry  Adventures  with  the 

Romance  Association  which  was  in  the  very 

pleasant    City    of    Millamours    done    into 

five  Books  by  the  Lupe  chaptered  and 

imprinted  for  Copeland  and  Day 

in  Boston  Massachusetts  by 

Rockwell  and  Churchill 

finished  this  First  Day 

of  November  A.D. 

M.o.ccc.xc.vij. 

Talofa  ! 


152 


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